Burn in Hell, Heat Street!

We created our own website to talk about how much we hate safe spaces.

Heat Street was not a good website. It was a very bad website, in fact, which you may be able to discern from its motto being “no safe spaces”. A failed experiment in creating a libertarian Huffington Post crafted by Louise Mensch, a former Tory who aimed for Arianna Huffington and instead briefly became a cult figure among the type of Twitter user who unironically follows Al Giordano.

Heat Street tried vainly to appeal to the young, Reddit-y conservatives of today by posting incessantly in favor of Gamergate, and defending noted racist frog meme Pepe (more on that later). But what did it in was, ironically, maybe the only decent thing the site ever did: Mensch’s opposition to Trump, which inspired backlash from such sources as Breitbart. But before you praise a conservative for doing the bare minimum possible to oppose Trump (ah, the McCain), know that Heat Street somehow fucked up attacking Donald Trump, basing their resistance on paranoid conspiracy theories about how Russians infected, not just the election, but every quadrant of society that doesn’t agree with them.

I’m sure this site is into GamerGate for pure motives & not as a vain grab for clicks.

Mensch’s ignominious farewell from the site she founded allowed for the ascent of Heat Street’s other luminary, Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy alive. Ian Miles Cheong used to be well-known as a woke, anti-GamerGate voice on Twitter. All that changed when a review of The Witcher 3 shook his ideals to the core by suggesting a game set in a fantasy world with dragons and magic might be able to accommodate a character who wasn’t white. Overnight, Cheong became a strident voice in favor of GamerGate and the alt-right, ready to defend Pepe’s innocence or retweet literal creationists if they attacked Bill Nye. Cheong was a brave maverick, who feared nothing except ants, seeing slightly less nudity in video games, and also everything.

Pictured: THE SADDEST BOY

Mensch’s era at Heat Street is known for causing the site to be at war with itself: one author would publish an article defending the racist meme frog, Mensch would leap in to counter them. One author would defend some creepy anime, Mensch would replace it with a piece about how it was creepy. This sounds like a bizarre, complicated way of going about the job of editor-in-chief, compared to the typical approach of just saying “hey, don’t publish that bad article you wrote”, but then again, I’m not the head of a failed libertarian off-shoot of Fox News. Luckily, under Cheong the site would flourish as a source that would drag up a few Tweets and use them to passionately defend video game breasts – truly journalism’s highest pursuit.

Heat Street was a directionless site that tried to appeal to the alt-right, and ended up appealing to no one. After alienating everyone, this failure of a site died on Friday, merged into Marketwatch. Mensch now runs her own blog to a dwindling audience, and Cheong’s pursuit of e-fame in an extraordinarily awful demographic looks like a road to nowhere.

Heat Street is in the Hell reserved for media outlets. As it arrived, it looked up into the shining sky, where on the clouds of Media Heaven, the sites we once loved frolic in peace. The Dissolve is up there, and Comics Alliance. You can almost hear the heavenly voice of The Toast regaling them with the tales of Narnia, as written by Ayn Rand, and with jokes about Sufjan Stevens song titles as described by medieval monks. Beneath is Media Purgatory, where Gawker sits under a banner reading “Yeah What Happened Was Fucked Up But So’s Leaking Sex Tapes”. Heat Street is not there. It is in Media Hell, unloved and unwanted, sitting for eternity as Grantland blathers about Boston sports and justifies outing trans people. It shall not be missed.

 

The Neo-McCarthyism of Louise Mensch

Louise Mensch is a former member of Parliament who gained attention in the United States by exposing Trump’s ties to Russia; her career since has been a conspiratorial clusterfuck, an unrelenting tide of unsupported accusations and conspiracy theories that would make any Redditor blush. In short, Mensch, a former Tory, is quickly becoming the Alex Jones of American centrists – but far more damaging.

That Russia interfered in the 2016 election, or at least covertly supported Trump, is a fact. What’s not is Mensch’s view that the Russians left their fingerprints all over, well, everything.

Andrew Breitbert, the bloated, clogged heart of the media empire of the same name, died of a heart attack. As someone who saw Breitbart speak live, this is by far the least surprising thing to ever happen. His speech consisted of screaming at the top of his voice that every last protestor (at a rally with a counter-protestor:protestor ratio of 10:1) should go to Hell. But if you ask Mensch, Breitbart was murdered by Russian agents. Shootings such as that in Istanbul become Russian false flags; so, too, are the sexts of Anthony Weiner. Believing foreign corruption is needed to make Anthony Weiner send a dick pic is truly the most unbelievable thing in American politics: I’d sooner accept that Area 51 is holding aliens than that Anthony Weiner needs any prompting at all to take a picture of his junk.

People aligned with Trump are part of the Russian plot. So are people opposed to Trump and Russia. Putin’s grand scheme includes both Trump and Bernie Sanders, liberal and conservative journalists, Putin’s critics and Putin’s supporters, statesmen and Twitter randos. You get the sense that the only people definitively not part of the conspiracy are…Mensch and her supporters.

None of Mensch’s accusations are supported with evidence, but that hasn’t stopped her from compiling a list of 200 plus people she accuses of being Russian agents. Secretive lists of Russians used to throw around accusations of treason is something that’s never gone disastrously, horribly wrong in American history.

But there are moments that go from “ridiculous fringe” to out-and-out offensive, and deeply troubling. Mensch also claimed the demonstrations in Ferguson were Russian operations, and so is voter suppression. And elsewhere a brewing xenophobia lurks: TIME Magazine representing Russian influence by showing the White House morphing into, not, say, the Kremlin, but a goddamn Orthodox cathedral; or Congressman Ted Lieu making up a story about his child asking if Trump is “part Russian”.

“The persistence of people making up stories about their children in the face of constant ridicule is truly inspiring,” said my nine-year old.

One of my favorite instances of this is this Tweet:

Cyrillic autocracy. The authoritarian regime of…a alphabet! A writing system that’s not even exclusive to the Russian language. Yes, truly Putin is trolling us all with his devious dictatorship of the weird-looking letters. First, our democracy – next, our very Latin letters!

Ivan the Terrible didn’t campaign in Wisconsin either.

Russia absolutely interfered in American politics. But so much of the Russian conspiracy theories propagated by Mensch and her comrades feel like dodges. If our election was controlled by a foreign power, then why bother looking at what went wrong? That a vile candidate won over too many of your fellow citizens is scary; it’s easier to place the blame on an outsider, a mastermind pulling the strings. It’s the same impulse behind all conspiracy theories: a kind of comforting terror, the idea that the world is not just chaos, but that there’s some reason behind it, because someone – even an evil someone – planning what happens is preferable to no one.

But whatever Russia did do to our election, Vladimir Putin didn’t make Hillary Clinton not campaign in Wisconsin or Michigan; he didn’t force the Democrats to embrace pragmatic centrism at the worst possible time; he didn’t make Americans hateful and paranoid. Nor did he ferment unrest in Ferguson, or make it difficult for African-Americans to vote: American racism did that. Every moment spent spinning outlandish conspiracy theories is a moment America’s left isn’t looking at their own mistakes – and it’s bringing us one moment closer to Trumpism’s reign continuing.

And you must always remember the difference between a government and its people. Criticizing a leader must never turn into a demonization of a culture; after all, there are far, far more Russian victims of Putin than American ones. Putin is Russian. So is Pussy Riot.

There’s more to dig into, but my borscht is getting cold…er, so dosvedanya, comrades.

Happy Loyalty Day

Today is May Day, a day commemorating the Haymarket massacre and the labor movement. It’s also Beltane, an ancient Celtic rite where celebrants usher in summer by dancing around a giant Freudian pole. And of course, outdoor fucking starts today.

Alternatively, if you’re the President of the United States, Tinyhands Mussolini, then today is Loyalty Day, a day to proclaim your enduring loyalty to the United States. Another Orwellian overreach by America’s wannabe-dictator-in-chief, a horrifying display of power by…President Harding?

Far from Loyalty Day being a modern Orwellian McCarthyist clusterfuck of a holiday, Loyalty Day is a very old Orwellian McCarthyist clusterfuck of a holiday. Designed to co-opt May Day in the name of anti-communism, every May 1st has been declared Loyalty Day ever since. The crucial difference is that, before Trump, no one gave a shit about it, President or citizen. As should be expected: much of America’s paranoid, xenophobic horseshit didn’t originate with him. It was merely elevated by him and his political style, which is pure, unfiltered id, with no need for dogwhistles and respectable smarm. Trump didn’t invent anything; he just, unlike every smarmy conservative before him, said what he actually meant, letting his hate out from under the rock and into the light. And it won him the Presidency, because we are not better than this; we are this.

Trump isn’t some new, anti-American force: Trump is every vice and illness of America given flesh. Trump is America: the true America. And that’s what he wants us to express our loyalty to. Happy loyalty day.

tHE FUCK IS THAT!?

THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT IS THIS SPINDLY ASS, HEADLESS JUNJI ITO LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER? IS IT FROM A MOVIE? TELL ME IT IS. THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS. IS IT A RUNNING NAKED PERSON AND A FUCKED PHOTO, WELL NO WAY OF THAT, BECAUSE EVEN THE PROSPECT OF A PHOTO FUCKING UP THIS MUCH IS TERRIFYING.

I hear this is the Jersey Devil but I’ve SEEN the Jersey Devil and he’s nice! He’s a goat! A flying goat whom you can pet!!

 

Look at this FRIENDLY GOAT, on his way HOME to talk with his LOVELY HUSBAND, and tell me he’s the same as the BODY HORROR above.

THIS is the Jersey Devil. He has ATTITUDE and he fights PUMPKINS and he can’t MOVE PROPERLY IN THREE DIMENSIONS. He doesn’t look like the smoking worm guys from Men in Black on METH!

Look at that SMILING, SMILING FACE. Sure, he’ll make it illegal to pump your own gas, but he won’t MINDFUCK your PERCEPTION OF SPACE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? IS IT WHAT REMAINS OF CHRIS CHRISTIE’S SOUL? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Cryptozoologists! Please explain!!! What is it, and in this one case I’ll accept “ALIENS” as an answer.

The President of the United States wants you to take his internet survey

This blog has been quiet for a while, mainly because of the void-staring and the internal screaming and the despair. But today I have some quick news for you: Donald Trump, President of the United States, most powerful man in the world, head of the world’s only superpower, the man in control of our nation’s nuclear weapons, is angry at the JOURNALISTS and is fighting back – with a internet survey.

The biased media, spreading fake news by citing things Trump said accurately and doing their jobs, will be taken to task by the President making it 2007 again. His survey includes such unbiased questions as “Do you believe that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order temporarily restricting people entering our country from nations compromised by radical Islamic terrorism?”, “Were you aware that a poll was released revealing that a majority of Americans actually supported President Trump’s temporary restriction executive order?”, and “Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?”. What unskewed results these shall bring! Nate Silver would be proud, if he hadn’t renounced the lies of numbers, those wicked motherfuckers that only ever lie and get you pissed, on November 10th 2016 and embraced a new life as a Patagonian sheepherder.

But before you’re tempted to engage in some good ol’ slacktivism by writing in “mean” (read: accurate) answers to every question, you should know that this survey is an – admittedly hilariously awful – scheme to get you on Trump’s mailing list, and your responses matter less than the ability of Trump’s staff to be able to cite the pure numbers of how many people took said survey, with your clever Drumpf jokes being lost like tears in the rain.

The Curious Case of Marilyn Monroe’s Purported Reincarnation

marilyn

Here is a vintage case: the tale of a Canadian singer who believed herself to be Marilyn Monroe reborn, and the doctor who believed her. It hails from ye olde 2005, and has been immortalized in the book Marilyn Monroe Returns: The Healing of a Soul, which has a mighty four stars on Amazon after nineteen reviews. Despite the overall positive rating, the top reviews are all distinctly negative – with even believers in reincarnation calling the book’s case a stretch.

You may regard reincarnation as primarily a spiritual matter: a process where, upon death, a person’s soul moves on to another body – which may be completely different, and may indeed – depending on the belief system – not even be human. But Dr. Adrian Finkelstein believes reincarnation to be an altogether different process. Namely, one can decode a individual’s past lives not via hypnotic regression or memories, but because they look similar to their prior self:

Dr. Finkelstein become convinced that Ms. Laird is indeed the reincarnation of Ms. Monroe, not only due to her memories, but also due to the presence of similarities in facial bone structure, hands, handwriting, voice pattern, linguistics and personality traits that exist between Marilyn Monroe and Sherrie Lea Laird.

I can understand the same soul showing the same personality across lives, but the same bone structure? The same physical appearance? Does a reincarnated soul warp their new form into its favored appearance, or does it specifically seek out fetuses that will grow up to look like their past self?

Ms. Laird, who goes by the stage name, Sherrie Lea, is a singer whose production of No Ordinary Love hit the top of the charts in Canada and Europe. It is interesting to note that in her film Bus Stop, Marilyn’s role was of a singer named Cherie.

So Marilyn Monroe is reborn, and she names herself – not Marilyn, not Norma, but to…a name that’s kind of similar to one of her characters.

Sherrie Lea Laird experienced vivid memories of her life as Marilyn Monroe, but more importantly, she looks just like her:

sherrie

MY GOD, THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY! (more…)

The Space Lizard Report Hits the Big Time

In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.

As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.

cubs1

“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”

It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.

cubs3

You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.

Specifically, r/conspiracy.

Unironically.

I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.

rconspiracy

The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

…and…

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.

 

Angry Internet Man Has Glasses-Fueled Breakdown

[cw sexual assault, discussion of pedophilia]

Today’s post takes us to the world of anti-SJ blogs, which are an endless circlejerk, a never-ending procession of screams and tired Otherkin jokes issued from a chorus of boring edgelords.

I don’t even really have to introduce this person, as you know their type if you’ve ever navigated the less employable segments of internet discourse. Their Twitter profile, of course, opens up by identifying as some kind of absurd Otherkin type, before segueing into a “if you disagree with me, you’re a bigot” message, because as we know, modern feminism is known for its pro-Otherkin agenda.

patriHave you ever seen a comedian absolutely bomb? Have you ever watched, cringing, as they tried to salvage a terrible act before a hostile crowd? Well, the only thing sadder than a failed comic is a failed troll. Our protagonist today made a post where he made all the Disney Princesses Caucasian and threw them in front of an American flag, and received a grand 21 notes, none of them even angry. His Patreon has raised $10 thanks to the efforts of eight people.

Of course, it’s not hard to see why. Edgelord trolls, by and large, are aiming their work at an audience of fellow edgelord trolls, with the big names regurgitating the same tired memes like a pelican feeding her chicks, but somehow less dignified. The audience of easily outraged feminists reading their every posts simply does not exist. These circles do not intersect, but they’re so eager to believe that they offended someone that they’ll leap on anything as evidence. Anti-SJ blogs fall for parodies more readily than any group this side of Facebook grandmas reading The Onion, but at least that looks like news, and isn’t some outrageously shitty, unsubtle “I’m a black trans disabled agender asexual dildokin xD uWu” Tumblr parody. Anything to escape the fact that they’re sharing their offensive jokes within an echo chamber of people who aren’t going to be offended.

The one exception to their target’s lack of interest is when a blog introduces us to a concept so breathtakingly, bafflingly inane that the broader internet takes notice. And today I want to introduce you to a phrase that’s simple, but endlessly hilarious: “Problem glasses”.

I considered, at first, that this was a parody. But the line between genuine and satirical in the anti-SJ world blew up thanks to four little words: “little white cuck ball”, and GamerGate’s inexplicable war on oddly colored hair showed us that the anti-SJ world does ascribe political significance to the most random shit. So on we go! Patri-Archie-Comic’s stern warning about problem glasses, in its full glory:

tumblr_nd8nflts121u0r0dgo1_1280

I’m not sure what I can even add to this. “Problem glasses” is an inherently hilarious phrase. “Problem glasses” was not created, it just is. “Problem glasses”, apparently also known as “grandma glasses” or “pedo glasses” (more on that in a bit!), appear to just be…glasses, since the examples offered don’t even look the same.

Words used by “problem glasses” wearers include basic feminist terminology, because there’s nothing anti-SJ types dislike more than incredibly basic terms they don’t understand, as well as concepts like “trans-ethnic” that only exist as anti-SJ fever dreams, and even New Age-y things like headmates and Otherkin. I don’t seem to remember when Anita Sarkeesian declared herself a dragonkin plural with a radical pro-headmate agenda, but I might’ve just missed that video.

Mocking them as “pedo glasses” is interesting, because elsewhere, they’re pretty much fine with pedophiles:

patrip

“As fun as it was to rip into this person and call her a pedo, I actually agree with her opinions, which I tore apart, because…LOGIC AND REASON?”

Let us now just dwell in the magnificence of “problem glasses”, and rue the fact that we can never create something as hilarious, even though we’re trying to be funny.

Found via 9Volt.

Destroy Science and Replace It With Magical Lightning, Says UTC Student

And here’s a baffling video from the University of Cape Town, in which someone advances that all science must be abolished and replaced with African science, because “western” science does not acknowledge African science, namely conjuring lightning via witchcraft. When someone disrespectfully shouts that it’s “not true”, they try to enforce the rules of the space – namely, respect for all ideas, including lightning witchcraft being equal to science, and Isaac Newton being a colonial force who invented gravity from whole cloth after seeing an apple fall and imposed his made-up idea on the world. It’s really, really something:

The Horrible World of Alt-Right Music

Today, as long-rumored, the Nobel Prize committee bestowed their Literature award on songwriter Bob Dylan, who wrote songs for such singers as Jimi Hendrix. So it is only fitting, on a great day for music, that I share with you the worst song of the year – the alt-right version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” is already a terrible song, but appending lyrics about Islamophobia, Donald Trump and the hotness of Marine Le Pen takes it to a horrific new level. This video is not on Youtube, or it wasn’t last time I checked. It was CENSORED by the BETA CUCKS running Youtube, or alternatively, it was automatically blocked in the US by a copyright bot. Either way, Liveleak – the internet’s top source for deleted Youtube videos and Eastern European shock videos  – has preserved it for the ages. Come for the tortured, cringe-worthy lyrics, stay for the man playing saxaphone in front of the obligatory Alt-Righter Background Skull:

Click me to see the video!

Click me to see the video!

Previous conspiracy theorist forays into music: 9/11 denialism: the music video!, Infowars sings about ebola