Month: October 2014

And now, an Infowars-approved music video about how Barack Obama’s giving everyone ebola

Today Alex Jones’ Infowars promoted a music video for a song about ebola. Why? Infowars says:

“Thanks to Obama’s importation of Ebola into our country, it has now become his legacy…Like George Dubya and his two wars, Obama has launched a war of disease on the American people. With the open borders and lax customs, every disease from the third world will be allowed to enter. Thanks Obola!”

Here are some ways to describe this…thing:

  • Incoherent
  • Moronic
  • Embarrassing
  • Inexplicable
  • Fuck
  • Fuck no
  • Fuck why
  • What the fuck
  • Fuck this I’m out

The Assassination of Coherence By The Weirdo David J

Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.

The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.

After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.

Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.

Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)

Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.

1. That you click on it.

You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.

Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!

Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????

2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)

The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.

The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…

Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.

“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”

Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.

3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”

A cop talks.

And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!

Dave J’s other videos include:

  • “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
  • “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
  • “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
  • “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
  • “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
  • “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”

Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?

Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.

Endorsements

fans

 

I don’t even need to look for weird shit anymore; it comes to me.

I have no idea if this blog is serious, but it did attack Miley Cyrus and then link to random blogs on every line of a song. I’m the “From Disney she was sold”, and the link is to the poorly-lit bald guy REPTILIAN post from earlier. Every other link seems to be to a real conspiracy blog. My guess: Googling “conspiracy theory” without actually checking what appeared.

This blog’s most used tags include “erotica” and seems to mostly be fiction and whatever the fuck this is. I’m just…what is this, and what does it have to do with me?

Has the Secret Service been infiltrated by shapeshifting alien Voldemorts?

Reptilians are maybe the best conspiracy theory there is. Sounding like something conceived of during a stoned marathon of V, and created by a soccer commentator who now gives six-hour long speeches to packed houses in Wembley (…Arena), it claims that the course of the world is decided by evil reptilian aliens posing as influential people. So it’s sad to see this delightfully absurd idea fade away in a time where conspiracy theorists mostly just deny things.

But a Youtuber named Reptilian Resistance has discovered a shocking secret in a video of “Barrick” Obama, and it’s perfect, just perfect.

“The cameras spotted a very odd individual who may be with the US Secret Service or Israel’s…and could be strong evidence of a shapeshifter alien humanoid working for the Powers that Be, caught in a high definition video during an event of the Zionist cabal.”

See, a poorly lit bald man is seen in the crowd. So he must be a reptilian! Who’s shapeshifting in front of a crowd of thousands, on live television! Those sneaky reptilians. And he doesn’t have a nose! Why, he looks a lot like Voldemort. Good thing Joe Biden’s here to put on his robe and wizard hat and defeat this dastardly dark wizard – what, you didn’t know that Joe Biden’s a wizard? Well, can you prove he isn’t?

Awesomely, the video zooms in extremely close on the anonymous bald guy; the video’s computer voiced maker apologizes for the distortion, but thinks their case remains clear.

“Did his shapeshifting device fail during Obama’s speech? …Is he an actual reptilian humanoid, is he one of the Annunaki? Is he a tall grey bio-android, or what?”

I mean, let’s keep our options open here. You don’t want to rush to conclusions when you’re saying

The Anunnaki are Mesopotamian deities and the technical term for reptilians. Because of course ancient aliens would work their way into here somehow.

“Is that video evidence that the Illuminati elite is in bed with at least one ancient extraterrestrial race, hidden in plain sight and pulling the strings of mankind?”

Saying that you’re “just asking questions” is a neat way to say the most batshit things and still seem reasonable. CNN anchors who think the missing airplanes might’ve flown into a black hole are just asking questions. Every special about ancient aliens on the History Channel ends by saying they’re just asking questions. “Just asking questions” turns you from a raving lunatic to a ill-informed but curious person.

This tactic does not work here.

This is an older video and, hilariously, the White House was asked to comment on this video alleging that they have reptilian Secret Service agents. Please go read the answer they gave.

“Only Ideological Feminists…”: #GamerGate reaches new lows

Feminist media critic Anita Sarkeesian, who no one noticed until she started criticizing video games for being sexist sometimes, faced another challenge as an anonymous person threatened a massacre if she made a speech. Again, this is over moderate criticism of video games.

Also: Depression Quest is free.

Also: Depression Quest is free. (source: r/gamerghazi)

The ongoing campaign of harassment against women in gaming has, oddly enough, been better reported by non-gaming sources than gaming news sites. Dubbed #GamerGate, it’s technically a campaign for ethics in journalism – and so, obviously, they’ve allied themselves with Breitbart.com to fight the New York Times. But actually the movement began with long, pointless Youtube videos attacking a developer called Zoe Quinn for sleeping with men. Including a man who gave a good review to her game Depression Quest, except he never once reviewed Depression Quest, meaning the whole justification for the movement is bullshit.

Now, the threat doesn’t mention #GamerGate. But that doesn’t stop Gaters from engaging in the time-honored tradition of conspiracy theorists everywhere: shouting false flag! False flag! everywhere like total assholes.

This isn’t the first time this has happened with Anita Sarkeesian. Back in August, loathsome MRA site Return of the Kings reported that Anita Sarkeesian must have invented threats she showed off: after all, she’s logged out (no one has multiple accounts on Twitter or browses offline, obviously) and the account’s recently made (no one’s ever made a new burner account to get around a ban in the history of the internet)! Plus, isn’t the guy’s grammar too good to be real? And the search bar’s empty – which always happens after going to a account’s page from search results, as I just verified now. It takes 5 seconds to confirm this.

But people ranting about false flags are like cicadas: you can’t seem ’em now, but you know they’ll be back soon and they’re going to be fucking loud when that happens.

anita

I’m pretty sure that politicians get death threats all the time. In fact, quite a few of them have been outright murdered by people. Stephen Sondheim has a musical on the topic if you’re interested.

J61ml88

And here we see someone “proving” the threat was fake by grading it like a damn middle school essay. It must be fake because this manifesto by someone who wanted to shoot people over feminism is too focused on women. Only feminists would know of the Montreal massacre (a major event that spurred gun control in Canada), and you can’t say it’d be an attack like it because there was only one attack (huh?), And this death threat by someone willing to kill people to protect video games from feminism has some weird writing in it, Ergo, false flag. Elsewhere, someone uses a website to prove that a woman wrote this.

There are valid arguments on both sides. For instance, one side thinks saying something about ethics lets you harass women and the other side is full of rational adults who see #GamerGate as the horde of petulant children they are. One side allies with conservative news sites, conservative websites and conservative celebrities and the other side somehow thinks this means they’re a conservative movement. One side angrily reacts to headlines, and the other actually bothers to read things before judging them. One side talks about ethical concerns honestly, and the other only started caring about corruption in the game industry when it let them yell at women. There are truly two sides to this issue, as you can see.

“A few bad apples” is a funny phrase. Now it’s a defense – it’s just a few bad apples, the rest of our group is fine! But the full expression says the opposite: a few bad apples spoil everything. There may be apples in the #GamerGate bunch that aren’t rotten to the core, but they all spring from the same, poison tree.

PS: I apologize to cicadas for comparing you to #GamerGate. Cicadas are great. Bugs are great. Please go look at cool bugs instead of reading anything about #GamerGate.

“Al Roker Mind Control Trance “Live” Trigger Word = Holy Ghost?”

Just another day on the Today Show. Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie are discussing personal space. Then she says that it’s like in Catholic school: you have to leave room for the Holy Ghost.

But wait. Look at Al Roker. Why is he staring at us? Why? Please stop Al, you’re scaring the children. Al why. AL.

Some might write it off. Maybe it was a wry “haha, look at these clowns” glare gone terribly awry. Maybe someone was telling him what to say next. Maybe he had nothing to do and was just staring at the camera for…some…reason?

But the conspiracy theorist who uploaded this video knows better. He knows that Al Roker is under mind control and the “Holy Ghost” is his trigger word. Which must make church difficult. “In the name of the Father, the Son and…someone wake up Al again! Oh god stop staring at me, no wait…”

The recommended videos at the end are a door down the rabbit hole into the world of MK Ultra. See, some people believe that all celebrities are brainwashed by…someone. THEM, presumably. And every time a celebrity has a breakdown, it isn’t mental illness. No, it’s just their brainwashing breaking down!

As always, this theory tries to write off any bad things ever happening. Non-famous people may have mental problems, but when a star goes off the rails they’re just heroically fighting off the mind control they’ve suffered through since childhood.

And no, Al Roker never explained what happened here. But I can say that he probably wasn’t brainwashed by the government into…being a weatherman, until someone mentions a key figure in the country’s dominant religion, in which case he’ll publicly break down? What?

Conspiracy theorists trying to rename themselves because everyone knows how terrible they are

These days, conspiracy theorists get a bit of a bad rap. I mean, they deserve to be looked down on, but not too long ago conspiracy theorists were thought of as harmless kooks rambling about aliens or the JFK assassination (which is kind of odd, given how the big conspiracy theory of the 90s was the Clinton murder list). We’ve gone from Art Bell to Alex Jones, and the popular perception of conspiracy theorists has changed from “might tell you about Area 51” to “will yell at grieving family members because they believe shootings aren’t real”. Also, the anti-Semitism.

But one brave soul on Reddit has a solution: rebrand conspiracy theorists!

“Just saw this suggestion, Since the term “conspiracy theorist” is getting tarnished by the media…”

For good reasons!

“…a good alternative would be “Event Skeptics”. Thoughts?”

Oh god.

Hang around any conspiracy theorists for a while and you’ll learn how much they prize skepticism. And to be a free critical thinker, you must agree with them completely. And not only are conspiracy theorists the true skeptics for questioning the “official story”, anyone who isn’t one is just a sheeple who does as they are told! And now an attempt to rebrand people who think bombings never happened as “Event Skeptics”. God.

“Really, we need to drop “conspiracy theorist”. It paints a huge bulls-eye on our backs. Also, CT’s are soon to be considered domestic terrorists or extremists…”

[citation needed]

We need something else.”

You could try not being a conspiracy theorist. That is very much an option here. An option you should try.

critical

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CT

“They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

holmes

I’m starting to think there’s a reason people hate conspiracy theorists, but I can’t quite figure it out. Hmmmm…..

Orwell

“Renaming something to sound nicer? What the fuck is this, 1984!?”

The powers that be will take down conspiracy theorists. And so they’ll fight back with…ONLINE PETITIONS! YEAH! Just like in 1984!

Should conspiracy theorists rename themselves? Well, I’d suggest they give their cause a more accurate name, like “Shitheads who won’t shut up about how no one died in that terrorist attack because of their persecution complexes and arrogance” but that might be a bit long. So conspiracy theorist should stay for now.

The Week in Conspiracy Theorists

NOBODY DIED, NO ONE GOT HURT

I’ve missed a lot in the conspiracy theory world since mocking #GamerGate back in September. Here is a recap of everything you missed:

  • ISIS DON’T REAL
  • EBOLA: DOES REAL, BUT WHO MADE IT DO REAL???
  • Some assholes putting up a Building 7 collapse billboard in New York

So, ISIS. Is it real? Yes. It’s one thing to say “American policy in the region is responsible for the rise of ISIS” and another to say “AMERICA MADE ISIS”.

Sadly, author and political consultant Naomi Wolf is among those who have hitched a ride on the ISIS-Don’t-Real train, and in the process exposed something rather odd. Not only did the US create ISIS, but they staged those beheadings!

Ah yes, Nobody Died-ism, my old friend. The idea that the government will do something unspeakably horrific, but back off at some odd point: they’ll create ISIS, but they wouldn’t actually behead any journalists! It’s another paradox in conspiracy theorist’s beliefs, much like the classic, “the conspiracy will bring down the twin towers, but refuse to go ahead and kill one crazy person ranting on the internet”.

AND NOW, HITLER.

rconspiracy is a cesspool

R/Conspiracy celebrated Rosh Hashanah by making a six-hour long work of Hitler apologism their featured documentary. Thanks to this, their sidebar was – and for the first time ever, I can say this sincerely – literally Hitler. Happy 5775?

Note: I think I have two-thirds of r/conspiracy tagged as “antisemitic” by now.

___________________________

NEWTOWN

I just noticed that one of the links in that screencap is someone pointing out that the FBI’s crime statistics include zero deaths in Newtown, PROVING no one died at Sandy Hook. Yes! Of course! They’ll fake the murders, then…refuse to lie on the crime statistics? What? As always, conspiracy theorists believe two things:

  1. There’s a conspiracy of unparalleled evil that’ll stop at nothing, and controls everything.
  2. They leave obvious clues to their wrongdoing and do nothing to stop random people on the internet from unraveling their plan.

A simultaneous persecution complex and power fantasy. Incredible.

The claim’s been debunked by Snopes; since the state police handled Sandy Hook, the deaths are counted under state statistics.

________________________________________

THE NEW ENEMY

ByohrpbIYAAShphOne of r/conspiracy’s top posts was this joke about how their favorite holiday was “the annual unveiling of the new enemy”. The comments are a bunch of people who haven’t read 1984 making cracks about how we’ve always been at war with Eurasia.

________________________________________

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

 

The great thing about being a political musician is that you don’t actually have to make a good song, since only people who agree with you will be listening and they’ll be too busy nodding in agreement to notice that you’re fucking terrible. And why write a song about one thing when you can write a song about all the things? Proposed alternate title for this song: “We Didn’t Start the Fire…Because THEY Started The Fire And Fire Can’t Melt Steel Anyway (ft. Skylar Grey)”.

_____________________________________

MEDIOCRE AND CANCELLED

polls_911_simpsons_5630_727607_answer_1_xlargeThe X-Files spinoff The Lone Gunmen is famous for exactly one thing: freaking 9/11 truthers out. See, the pilot features a plot to hijack a plane and fly it into the World Trade Center. I know this because I watched it, live, as it aired. This fact occasionally gets brought up on Reddit and freaks everyone the fuck out.

I’ve always wondered, though, what truthers are saying by pointing this out? There’s a massive conspiracy and they planted clues to it happening in popular media because…? Supposedly, to “prepare” people for 9/11. Because…?

_______________________________________

ACTUALLY CREEPY SHIT

Despite what some may say, gaming is not under assault by vicious feminist succubi out to take away your games. Gaming has nice allies, like the military it glorifies in endless militaristic first person shooters. Hell, there’s even a game made as a recruitment tool for the army.

Call of Duty director David Anthony believes there should be plainclothes soldiers in schools to prevent attacks. “The public won’t like it, they’ll think it’s a police state”, he says, “when we have a new product that has elements that we’re not sure how people will respond to, what do we do as a corporation? We market it, and we market it as much as we can–so that whether people like it or not, we do all the things we can to essentially brainwash people into liking it before it actually comes out”.

Holy shit. Some guy literally said there should be armed soldiers in classrooms and the public needs to be brainwashed into liking it, least they think they’re in a “police state”. So what are the TOP MINDS saying about this?

“My high school already has security, including an armed police officer. Having a soldier in our school wouldn’t be much different”

“Implying kids actually play CoD for the story. Pretty much everyone I know who buys the yearly CoD release plays the campaign mode once then only plays multiplayer after that.”

Keep fucking that chicken, r/conspiracy!

Note: the lengths people will go to in order to not discuss gun control are incredible. “How do we protect kids in the case of a school shooting? Maybe we should implement gun-” “YES, WE SHOULD ARM EVERY TEACHER. IT’S THE ONLY WAY.” Keep fucking that chicken, society???