The Assassination of Coherence By The Weirdo David J

Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.

The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.

After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.

Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.

Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)

Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.

1. That you click on it.

You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.

Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!

Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????

2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)

The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.

The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…

Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.

“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”

Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.

3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”

A cop talks.

And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!

Dave J’s other videos include:

  • “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
  • “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
  • “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
  • “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
  • “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
  • “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”

Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?

Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.

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