Jade Helm begins today. If you don’t remember Jade Helm, here’s a reminder. The government is about to steal Texas’ guns, as they’ve planned to do every year since 1992. They’re going to lock them up in train cars (just like Hitler did in Glacier National Park!), and trap them in Wal-Marts. My God, Texans will rot in a terrifying big box prison, forced to rely on whatever they can find there to survive. Could you handle that? Would you be willing to kill a man over the last can of Minions Spaghetti-O’s? You have kids to feed (damn those cheap Minions condoms!) and THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE. COULD YOU HANDLE IT?
Here’s how this is gonna go down, Texas: no one will take your guns. No one will force you into shackles and sentence you to life in the Duck Dynasty aisle. Glenn Beck will write a book about this and you will buy it. You will also buy gold. A month later, when Jade Helm is over and everyone’s guns lie unpryed in their warm, living hands, everyone will forget this ever happened, or pat themselves on the back for defeating the massive government conspiracy by Tweeting about it, and then they will rush on to the next imaginary government plot.
It’s akin to a church that gathers on the top of a mountain to witness the end of days, only to see nothing; “ah”, says the pastor, “I made a mathematical error. The world ends this time next year”. The government’s always going to stamp down our rights come tomorrow, if the sheeple don’t wake up. There will always be a Jade Helm just around the corner.