So this is how liberty dies: In a Wal-Mart in El Paso.

Jade Helm's sinister reach.
Jade Helm’s sinister reach.

Jade Helm begins today. If you don’t remember Jade Helm, here’s a reminder. The government is about to steal Texas’ guns, as they’ve planned to do every year since 1992. They’re going to lock them up in train cars (just like Hitler did in Glacier National Park!), and trap them in Wal-Marts. My God, Texans will rot in a terrifying big box prison, forced to rely on whatever they can find there to survive. Could you handle that? Would you be willing to kill a man over the last can of Minions Spaghetti-O’s? You have kids to feed (damn those cheap Minions condoms!) and THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE. COULD YOU HANDLE IT?

Here’s how this is gonna go down, Texas: no one will take your guns. No one will force you into shackles and sentence you to life in the Duck Dynasty aisle. Glenn Beck will write a book about this and you will buy it. You will also buy gold. A month later, when Jade Helm is over and everyone’s guns lie unpryed in their warm, living hands, everyone will forget this ever happened, or pat themselves on the back for defeating the massive government conspiracy by Tweeting about it, and then they will rush on to the next imaginary government plot.

It’s akin to a church that gathers on the top of a mountain to witness the end of days, only to see nothing; “ah”, says the pastor, “I made a mathematical error. The world ends this time next year”. The government’s always going to stamp down our rights come tomorrow, if the sheeple don’t wake up. There will always be a Jade Helm just around the corner.


“So, Dr. Smith, what do you have to report about your progress on that new cancer drug?”

“I’m here to tell you that I have developed the cure for cancer. It was easy, really, since cancer is just one disease, after all.”

“Really? That’s incredible.”

“And I think we SHOULDN’T sell the cure.”

“What? WHY?”

“Don’t we make so much money off treating it already?”

“But every company has drugs that treat it. We’re the only ones who have a cure. We’re the only ones that could sell it.”

“But if we sell a cure we can’t treat it anymore. We shouldn’t sell it.”

“Dr. Smith, this suggestion is absurd. Do you know how expensive it is to develop drugs, Doctor? It’s an expensive, long process that mostly ends in failure and rejection. We’ve spent millions developing a cure, we’ve gone through who the hell knows how many failed experiments, and you want us to just…not sell it? We have exclusive rights to the cure, but we should forgo that so we can make money from selling treatments that EVERY company makes?!?!”


“Sounds good! Someone get Dr. Smith a raise!”

Reddit Goes Dark. Again.

Reddit is a techno-libertarian paradise, a lawless domain where you can find communities full of like-minded people, no matter what your interests are. Do you like paranoid fantasies and vaguely cloaked racism? r/conspiracy is for you! Are you a grown adult who enjoys harassing teenagers? Have fun on r/tumblrinaction! Do you hate women? r/theredpill, r/kotakuinaction…the options are limitless! Do you like cool pictures? Then you could go on the innocuous subreddits that make up the vast majority of the site. Huh, you always forget that part.

Reddit’s been consumed with strife lately. The site’s new CEO enforced a harassment policy (just like Hitler!) and banned several subreddits, including r/FatPeopleHate. Redditors howled in the face of such oppression, even if it’s a bit odd that these PC, liberal, SJW admins didn’t ban r/CoonTown, r/N******, or any number of explicit hate Subreddits on their anti-free speech crusade.

Now Reddit has gone dark. Many subreddits are currently private to protest the site’s admins. But not over this. Actually, they kinda have a point.

The protests were sparked by the sudden firing of one of the site’s most beloved staff members, the AMA coordinator, who organized celebrity question-and-answer sessions. And no one knows why she was fired. Rumors say that she declined to move to San Francisco, refused to make AMAs more commercial, or was let go after a disastrous AMA with Jesse Jackson. No one actually knows, and the firing is more the casus belli used to justify a larger campaign against the site’s lack of transparency and poor treatment of the site’s many volunteer moderators.

However, after everything that’s happened, people are going to leap to conclusions and think that Reddit’s whining about a racist hate sub being banned, because that’s just what you think when you hear “Reddit” now.

Sadly, r/conspiracy is not private. Let’s all encourage its mods to join the protest, then never tell them when it ends. They’ll feel like triumphant activists, fighting the good fight, on a long Bataan death march to social networking transparency, and we’ll never have to see them again. A victory for all involved!