This blog has been quiet for a while, mainly because of the void-staring and the internal screaming and the despair. But today I have some quick news for you: Donald Trump, President of the United States, most powerful man in the world, head of the world’s only superpower, the man in control of our nation’s nuclear weapons, is angry at the JOURNALISTS and is fighting back – with a internet survey.
The biased media, spreading fake news by citing things Trump said accurately and doing their jobs, will be taken to task by the President making it 2007 again. His survey includes such unbiased questions as “Do you believe that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order temporarily restricting people entering our country from nations compromised by radical Islamic terrorism?”, “Were you aware that a poll was released revealing that a majority of Americans actually supported President Trump’s temporary restriction executive order?”, and “Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?”. What unskewed results these shall bring! Nate Silver would be proud, if he hadn’t renounced the lies of numbers, those wicked motherfuckers that only ever lie and get you pissed, on November 10th 2016 and embraced a new life as a Patagonian sheepherder.
But before you’re tempted to engage in some good ol’ slacktivism by writing in “mean” (read: accurate) answers to every question, you should know that this survey is an – admittedly hilariously awful – scheme to get you on Trump’s mailing list, and your responses matter less than the ability of Trump’s staff to be able to cite the pure numbers of how many people took said survey, with your clever Drumpf jokes being lost like tears in the rain.