Alt-Right or WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE AND SKULLS

Old Man Yells At Streetlight

The SJW Illuminati New World Order NPC Soy Boy Triple-Bracket Bugman Antifa Supersoldier Normie Virtue Signaler Soros-funded Cultural Marxist Cuck plot to forever plunge western civilization – that totally unified society that’s always shared values and heritage, even when at war with each other for 90% of human history – into degeneracy and an age of ceaseless hypersensitivity has unveiled its latest plan, and the only person brave enough to speak out against hypersensitivity is some dweebus screaming at a traffic light because it hurt his feelings.

Look at this disgraced ghost hunter. Look at this man fired for a racial slur after a heated minor league darts game. My god, my guy.

Meet Mark Collett. He didn’t make today’s video, but he did share it, and he looks like a failed magician desperately pushing card tricks during his night shift at Kinko’s, so.

Mark Collett starred in the infamous documentary Young, Nazi and Proud; he displayed vile, undisguised racism, which of course had no place in the British National Party. The BNP punished him for his naked bigotry by making him head of publicity, and only sacking him when he threatened the party’s leader, Nick Griffin, who looks like he has a side gig as a mayor in a monster movie trying to keep the beaches open.

Now, Collett is known as a podcast host and author of unreadable books about how people who don’t look like him having children is tantamount to the Holocaust. And now, he’s an ardent supporter of people who scream at street lights for no apparent reason:

 

An anonymous bearded Nazi with the bizarre and existentially frustrating handle “Onlinemagazin” is standing on a street corner, loudly waiting for the “green man”. The little green man in the box who helps him navigate his way home so he can spend another night trying desperately to free the little men from his television. “Who trapped you in this box?” he screams, shaking the TV. “Was it the transes? Who did this to you!?”

But our intrepid protagonist is disappointed: for there is not a green man, but a green gender symbol telling him to walk. “There you fuckin’ go!” He screams, as the light turns red again. Perhaps you should focus less on the symbol and more on the color, Mr. Onlinemagazin.

He conjures a conspiracy from a street light: to the confusion of those around him – Londoners trying to get on with their lives – he screams about how you can have a “red man” because it’s negative, but the walk symbol must be a lesbian/trans/gay/genderfluid arcane rune, designed to brainwash all of the UK into hating all men.

Of course, this is nonsense. These alternate stoplights are an temporary addition for Pride, and Piers Morgan has done more to make Britain hate men than any stop light ever could.

And so Monsieur Onlinemagazin, and his Nazi-documentary-boy supporters, walk off into the night, ranting to the air about street lights, boldly ignoring them in their righteous outrage and wandering straight into an open manhole. Hey – at least the sewers of London are more pleasant than spending time around the alt-right.

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Mike Cernovich, Gamergate Lawyer VS a Ring of Fictional Pedophiles, A Court Transcript

[CW: pedophilia/child abuse, rape mention]

 

Judge: Plaintiff may approach the bench.

Cernovich: Thank you, your honor. I may be a simple GamerGate Lawyer, but today I seek to prove two things. One, that several celebrities are secret pedophiles based off of old tweets, and two, that a man doing it for one’s self drains them of their natural vigor, their life force, their-

Judge: …could you please explain to the court what you’re talking about?

Cernovich: Mastubation, your honor.

Judge: Did you just say…mastubation?

Cernovich: I said what I mean, your honor.

Judge: Alright. Just…stick to your case and not to the…

Cernovich: Mastubation.

Judge: That. You may proceed.

Cernovich: Your honor, the director James Gunn made several problematic jokes before he found fame with Guardians of the Galaxy. These tweets proving his involvement in a secret ring of pedophiles were discovered by me-

Defense: Objection, your honor. These tweets were widely discussed at the time, and our client has apologized and moved on.

Cernovich: Impossible. If personal growth and change was possible, why don’t I know about it?

Defense: Well-

Judge: Objection sustained. Gamergate lawyer Mike Cernovich, you did not discover the tweets in question. They were widely discussed by people with an actual stake in them years ago. Move on.

Cernovich: Very well. Now, most men don’t know how their super serum is diluted by jerking it-

Judge: The court commands the plaintiff to never use the phrase ‘jerking it’ again. Please, your next target. I mean the next defendant.

Cernovich: Ah, this is a truly terrible case. Dan Harmon made a video parodying Dexter in 2009.

Judge: …yes?

Cernovich: He publicly released it, and then deleted it when he had second thoughts. But I don’t what that phrase means, so let’s say I discovered this.

Judge: A parody of Dexter proves he’s part of a pedophile ring.

Cernovich: Isn’t it stupid of this wide-reaching, powerful conspiracy to place all their evidence in joke tweets and videos a simple Gamergate lawyer can find years later? But I’ve caught ’em.

Judge: Do you have any proof beyond this Dexter parody?

Cernovich: No. But does it matter? I took an anti-Roman Polanski joke from Sam Seder and used it to smear him as a rapist. MSNBC crumbled and fired him without a second thought. He came back, but the alt-right’s gamed outrage so successfully they can get anyone fired in the space of day. Everyone folds so quickly, not knowing the difference between good-faith outrage and cynical campaigns against political rivals like our’s. That’s why James Gunn is fired for jokes he apologized for, but people will keep throwing money at a man who led a hate campaign, invented a conspiracy theory, and is even an admitted rapist. You know, like Mike Cerno-uh….

Judge: Finish the sentence.

Cernovich: Who best to defend John Connor from a Terminator than a Terminator? It’s like that – who best to catch a sex criminal than a sex criminal? Established part of legal practice.

Judge: No, it’s not! Where did you get your law degree? Gamergate University?

Cernovich: I, uh…I…I would like to reassure the jury that I will never jerk off.

Judge: Please remove the plantiff from the court.

Cernovich: I will never jerk off! I will never jerk off! I will never-

In Which Conspiracy Theorists Face Their Greatest Fear – a bean

Paul Joseph Watson, a vlogger in Alex Jones’ sprawling paranoid media empire-slash-supplement lifestyle brand InfoWars, is a major figure in modern paranoid internet dude conservatism, or – as he’d describe it – the new punk rock.

Yeah man, you’re really annoying the leftists by saying something dumb and getting called dumb before everyone moves on with their life.

Paul Joseph Watson is a tough rebel, an iconoclast who fears nothing – except for soybeans.

“Soy boy” is the latest term to spread like wildfire through the alt-right/InfoWars/terrible internet dude scene. Like all of their terminology – from “cuck” to “virtual signaler” – it’s treated as a devastating insult by those who use it, and is heard by everyone else as meaningless horseshit. Just like Watson’s own personal catchphrase, “imagine my shock”. Wow, buddy…I’m starting to think you aren’t really shocked, or something.

Soy feminizes men, Watson says. “You’ve probably seen the Buzzfeed Try Guy video where they measure their testosterone”, he goes on, apparently not knowing what “probably” means. I don’t think I’ve ever googled “testosterone levels of the staff of a website I dislike”, but then again I haven’t shilled even one dubious brain pill.

Watson thankfully includes a two-minutes-hate of feminist men who made a Tweet he dislikes, who also once tweeted about eating soy. Frantically searching for signs your enemies ate a food is a perfectly normal activity. Who hasn’t done such a thing? As you’d expect, this montage ranges from political celebrities to just random nobodies who made a bad Tweet once. Also, he takes a chance to be xenophobic about refugees, because of course.

You’d also expect random cuts to things we’re just instinctively meant to understand as bad. For example, Watson cuts to a woman – unnamed, and never mentioned in the video – saying “I’m triggered”. You sure showed…uh, whoever that was. He also cuts to Jeb Bush. Hasn’t JEB! suffered enough?

The crux of Watson’s theory is that soy contains estrogen. Babies are being fed a soy milk formula, and thus there’s a grand theory about how there’s a plot to raise a generation of Soy Boys. A terrifying world where boys are, uh, feminine a bit, maybe? The implications are truly not that troubling, honestly.

Soy boy outrage ran through the alt-right like a wildfire. Perhaps its finest result was leading 4Chan users to drink onion juice to offset the “effects” of soy and regain their manliness. Stefan “once posed as a woman online to agree with himself” Molyneux compared the consumption of soy to the fall of Rome.

But by and large, “soy boy” has become just another insult thrown about by the alt-right, a sign of cutting wit to them and a sign of meaningless, braying jackassery to everyone else. There’ll be a new one a week from now, and it’ll be just as confounding. But at least we can take pleasure in the fact that this one hurt 4Chan literally.

Donald Trump-loving Redditor Places Their Faith in Martin Shkreli

Pictured: horror

Here’s a dispatch from r/The_Donald, a subreddit perhaps better known under its alternative name, “literal Hell”. A Redditor who loves Donald Trump is a potent combination of douchebaggery, and yet to form a proper Asshole Vortex you need something more potent yet.

Ah, there we go!

Martin Shkreli, most universally hated man in America, a smug little Rumpelstilskin-esque goblin whose sins include jacking up the price of medication by thousands and disrespecting the Wu-Tang Clan, has secrets. Secrets about Hillary Clinton, who he tweeted about. Of course, he tweeted that he’d pay $5,000 for a lock of her hair because who even knows. Who even fucking knows, Jesus Christ. Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ, everything. God damn. Fucking shit. Jesus Christ. What the fuck. God FUCKING damn everythinANYWAY back to discussing r/The_Donald, a subreddit devoted to the President, Donald TruJESUS CHRIST, GODFUCKINGARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

 

Would be top kek if his over zealous jailing triggered 10k hill emails to drop

I think the theory here goes that Shkreli is hiding Hillary’s secrets, and if anything happened to him (like going to jail for his many and varied crimes), he’d release them. Which really raises the question: why do these people care about Hillary anymore? The candidate they supported won. He’s been President for almost a full year JESUS FUCKING CHRIST and they’re expecting…what, exactly? Proof Hillary tried to rig the election she lost? Secrets she’s hiding about the person she didn’t beat? What’s end game here for Trump supporters?

I think if everyone began trying to get all the crooked politicians DNA themselves or at least trollin the fuckers with it, the smokescreen will do crazy shit.

they would be freaked to lose a hair. fuckin top kek.

that would scare the shit outta tons of crooks. but normies dgaf. nice.

What does that mean. What does that even mean oh god I’m having a stroke goodbye friends

Odds and Ends: Authenticated by Verrit Edition!

MEDIA FOR THE UH, WHO, EXACTLY?

Peter Daou, formerly of the Clinton campaign – and currently living through the 2016 election in a strange, ceaseless fugue – has founded a new media site for “the 65.8 million”. Called Verrit, it’s one of the more confounding political sites online, less a fact checking site than a fact site – a never-ending wall of contextless facts and quotes, each slapped with an authentication number.

Verrit’s existence is less interesting than the bizarre assumptions behind its existence. Verrit exists so that those poor souls still living out the 2016 election can win internet debates; because all you need to win a debate is to show someone a quote as succinct as it is utterly meaningless. Need proof? Why, plug in the authentication number to see that it’s right there on Verrit. Verrit comes from a vein of politics that prizes facts above all, that thinks solid facts are all a person needs to be swayed over to your side, just like on The West Wing. You may know this school of politics from it losing horrifically in the face of fact-free, emotional populism last election. Oh well, at least we can always blame the Russians instead of facing our problems.

LOUISE MENSCH NEWS

Louise Mensch, the British politician turned conspiracy monger and failed media mogul, fired her own lawyer via Tweet for having the audacity to suggest the United States may interfere in democracies abroad occasionally, at some point in its history.

IAN MILES CHEONG WATCH

Noted ant enthusiast Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy, is angry. Why is he angry? Because a gender non-conforming kid exists and it’s stopping us from going to space, like we promised in 1977. Like all Americans, I’ll always fondly remember Jimmy Carter’s inspiring promise to “one day, perhaps in 2017, send an American to space for the first ever time, just like in the new motion picture Stars War”. That there are people in space right now, as we speak, must elude Ian Miles Cheong, who’s busy fretting about society’s decline whilst yelling incoherently at literal children.

And if you’re a fan of childish screeching, Ian Miles Cheong has also spent the last several days tweeting angrily about how he didn’t like how a gaming journalist played a video game but fuck me if I’m ever gonna dive into Gamergate again.

ENTER THE NOTCH ZONE

Minecraft designer Notch blinks unsteadily as the California sun creeps through his mansion’s shuttered, dusty blinds. Getting to his feet, he stumbles, falling to the floor, the heavy thud echoing through the desolate halls, heard by no one. Taking one step after another, trepedatiously he walks through cavernous halls to his one source of joy: his candy room. Reaching out with his gnarled, dirt-caked hand, he unwraps a moldy Tootsie roll, struggling, tearing the paper and dropping the glorious nugget to the floor. He picks it up and eats it anyway.

Taking his phone out, he types out a few words of wisdom:

And returns to his solitary kingdom, his empire of dust and candy, content in the knowledge that he really triggered the Sajews with that one.

BIZARRE CONSPIRACY IMAGE OF THE DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Burn in Hell, Heat Street!

We created our own website to talk about how much we hate safe spaces.

Heat Street was not a good website. It was a very bad website, in fact, which you may be able to discern from its motto being “no safe spaces”. A failed experiment in creating a libertarian Huffington Post crafted by Louise Mensch, a former Tory who aimed for Arianna Huffington and instead briefly became a cult figure among the type of Twitter user who unironically follows Al Giordano.

Heat Street tried vainly to appeal to the young, Reddit-y conservatives of today by posting incessantly in favor of Gamergate, and defending noted racist frog meme Pepe (more on that later). But what did it in was, ironically, maybe the only decent thing the site ever did: Mensch’s opposition to Trump, which inspired backlash from such sources as Breitbart. But before you praise a conservative for doing the bare minimum possible to oppose Trump (ah, the McCain), know that Heat Street somehow fucked up attacking Donald Trump, basing their resistance on paranoid conspiracy theories about how Russians infected, not just the election, but every quadrant of society that doesn’t agree with them.

I’m sure this site is into GamerGate for pure motives & not as a vain grab for clicks.

Mensch’s ignominious farewell from the site she founded allowed for the ascent of Heat Street’s other luminary, Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy alive. Ian Miles Cheong used to be well-known as a woke, anti-GamerGate voice on Twitter. All that changed when a review of The Witcher 3 shook his ideals to the core by suggesting a game set in a fantasy world with dragons and magic might be able to accommodate a character who wasn’t white. Overnight, Cheong became a strident voice in favor of GamerGate and the alt-right, ready to defend Pepe’s innocence or retweet literal creationists if they attacked Bill Nye. Cheong was a brave maverick, who feared nothing except ants, seeing slightly less nudity in video games, and also everything.

Pictured: THE SADDEST BOY

Mensch’s era at Heat Street is known for causing the site to be at war with itself: one author would publish an article defending the racist meme frog, Mensch would leap in to counter them. One author would defend some creepy anime, Mensch would replace it with a piece about how it was creepy. This sounds like a bizarre, complicated way of going about the job of editor-in-chief, compared to the typical approach of just saying “hey, don’t publish that bad article you wrote”, but then again, I’m not the head of a failed libertarian off-shoot of Fox News. Luckily, under Cheong the site would flourish as a source that would drag up a few Tweets and use them to passionately defend video game breasts – truly journalism’s highest pursuit.

Heat Street was a directionless site that tried to appeal to the alt-right, and ended up appealing to no one. After alienating everyone, this failure of a site died on Friday, merged into Marketwatch. Mensch now runs her own blog to a dwindling audience, and Cheong’s pursuit of e-fame in an extraordinarily awful demographic looks like a road to nowhere.

Heat Street is in the Hell reserved for media outlets. As it arrived, it looked up into the shining sky, where on the clouds of Media Heaven, the sites we once loved frolic in peace. The Dissolve is up there, and Comics Alliance. You can almost hear the heavenly voice of The Toast regaling them with the tales of Narnia, as written by Ayn Rand, and with jokes about Sufjan Stevens song titles as described by medieval monks. Beneath is Media Purgatory, where Gawker sits under a banner reading “Yeah What Happened Was Fucked Up But So’s Leaking Sex Tapes”. Heat Street is not there. It is in Media Hell, unloved and unwanted, sitting for eternity as Grantland blathers about Boston sports and justifies outing trans people. It shall not be missed.

 

The Horrible World of Alt-Right Music

Today, as long-rumored, the Nobel Prize committee bestowed their Literature award on songwriter Bob Dylan, who wrote songs for such singers as Jimi Hendrix. So it is only fitting, on a great day for music, that I share with you the worst song of the year – the alt-right version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” is already a terrible song, but appending lyrics about Islamophobia, Donald Trump and the hotness of Marine Le Pen takes it to a horrific new level. This video is not on Youtube, or it wasn’t last time I checked. It was CENSORED by the BETA CUCKS running Youtube, or alternatively, it was automatically blocked in the US by a copyright bot. Either way, Liveleak – the internet’s top source for deleted Youtube videos and Eastern European shock videos  – has preserved it for the ages. Come for the tortured, cringe-worthy lyrics, stay for the man playing saxaphone in front of the obligatory Alt-Righter Background Skull:

Click me to see the video!

Click me to see the video!

Previous conspiracy theorist forays into music: 9/11 denialism: the music video!, Infowars sings about ebola