Alt-Right or WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE AND SKULLS

Donald Trump-loving Redditor Places Their Faith in Martin Shkreli

Pictured: horror

Here’s a dispatch from r/The_Donald, a subreddit perhaps better known under its alternative name, “literal Hell”. A Redditor who loves Donald Trump is a potent combination of douchebaggery, and yet to form a proper Asshole Vortex you need something more potent yet.

Ah, there we go!

Martin Shkreli, most universally hated man in America, a smug little Rumpelstilskin-esque goblin whose sins include jacking up the price of medication by thousands and disrespecting the Wu-Tang Clan, has secrets. Secrets about Hillary Clinton, who he tweeted about. Of course, he tweeted that he’d pay $5,000 for a lock of her hair because who even knows. Who even fucking knows, Jesus Christ. Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ, everything. God damn. Fucking shit. Jesus Christ. What the fuck. God FUCKING damn everythinANYWAY back to discussing r/The_Donald, a subreddit devoted to the President, Donald TruJESUS CHRIST, GODFUCKINGARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

 

Would be top kek if his over zealous jailing triggered 10k hill emails to drop

I think the theory here goes that Shkreli is hiding Hillary’s secrets, and if anything happened to him (like going to jail for his many and varied crimes), he’d release them. Which really raises the question: why do these people care about Hillary anymore? The candidate they supported won. He’s been President for almost a full year JESUS FUCKING CHRIST and they’re expecting…what, exactly? Proof Hillary tried to rig the election she lost? Secrets she’s hiding about the person she didn’t beat? What’s end game here for Trump supporters?

I think if everyone began trying to get all the crooked politicians DNA themselves or at least trollin the fuckers with it, the smokescreen will do crazy shit.

they would be freaked to lose a hair. fuckin top kek.

that would scare the shit outta tons of crooks. but normies dgaf. nice.

What does that mean. What does that even mean oh god I’m having a stroke goodbye friends

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Odds and Ends: Authenticated by Verrit Edition!

MEDIA FOR THE UH, WHO, EXACTLY?

Peter Daou, formerly of the Clinton campaign – and currently living through the 2016 election in a strange, ceaseless fugue – has founded a new media site for “the 65.8 million”. Called Verrit, it’s one of the more confounding political sites online, less a fact checking site than a fact site – a never-ending wall of contextless facts and quotes, each slapped with an authentication number.

Verrit’s existence is less interesting than the bizarre assumptions behind its existence. Verrit exists so that those poor souls still living out the 2016 election can win internet debates; because all you need to win a debate is to show someone a quote as succinct as it is utterly meaningless. Need proof? Why, plug in the authentication number to see that it’s right there on Verrit. Verrit comes from a vein of politics that prizes facts above all, that thinks solid facts are all a person needs to be swayed over to your side, just like on The West Wing. You may know this school of politics from it losing horrifically in the face of fact-free, emotional populism last election. Oh well, at least we can always blame the Russians instead of facing our problems.

LOUISE MENSCH NEWS

Louise Mensch, the British politician turned conspiracy monger and failed media mogul, fired her own lawyer via Tweet for having the audacity to suggest the United States may interfere in democracies abroad occasionally, at some point in its history.

IAN MILES CHEONG WATCH

Noted ant enthusiast Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy, is angry. Why is he angry? Because a gender non-conforming kid exists and it’s stopping us from going to space, like we promised in 1977. Like all Americans, I’ll always fondly remember Jimmy Carter’s inspiring promise to “one day, perhaps in 2017, send an American to space for the first ever time, just like in the new motion picture Stars War”. That there are people in space right now, as we speak, must elude Ian Miles Cheong, who’s busy fretting about society’s decline whilst yelling incoherently at literal children.

And if you’re a fan of childish screeching, Ian Miles Cheong has also spent the last several days tweeting angrily about how he didn’t like how a gaming journalist played a video game but fuck me if I’m ever gonna dive into Gamergate again.

ENTER THE NOTCH ZONE

Minecraft designer Notch blinks unsteadily as the California sun creeps through his mansion’s shuttered, dusty blinds. Getting to his feet, he stumbles, falling to the floor, the heavy thud echoing through the desolate halls, heard by no one. Taking one step after another, trepedatiously he walks through cavernous halls to his one source of joy: his candy room. Reaching out with his gnarled, dirt-caked hand, he unwraps a moldy Tootsie roll, struggling, tearing the paper and dropping the glorious nugget to the floor. He picks it up and eats it anyway.

Taking his phone out, he types out a few words of wisdom:

And returns to his solitary kingdom, his empire of dust and candy, content in the knowledge that he really triggered the Sajews with that one.

BIZARRE CONSPIRACY IMAGE OF THE DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Burn in Hell, Heat Street!

We created our own website to talk about how much we hate safe spaces.

Heat Street was not a good website. It was a very bad website, in fact, which you may be able to discern from its motto being “no safe spaces”. A failed experiment in creating a libertarian Huffington Post crafted by Louise Mensch, a former Tory who aimed for Arianna Huffington and instead briefly became a cult figure among the type of Twitter user who unironically follows Al Giordano.

Heat Street tried vainly to appeal to the young, Reddit-y conservatives of today by posting incessantly in favor of Gamergate, and defending noted racist frog meme Pepe (more on that later). But what did it in was, ironically, maybe the only decent thing the site ever did: Mensch’s opposition to Trump, which inspired backlash from such sources as Breitbart. But before you praise a conservative for doing the bare minimum possible to oppose Trump (ah, the McCain), know that Heat Street somehow fucked up attacking Donald Trump, basing their resistance on paranoid conspiracy theories about how Russians infected, not just the election, but every quadrant of society that doesn’t agree with them.

I’m sure this site is into GamerGate for pure motives & not as a vain grab for clicks.

Mensch’s ignominious farewell from the site she founded allowed for the ascent of Heat Street’s other luminary, Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy alive. Ian Miles Cheong used to be well-known as a woke, anti-GamerGate voice on Twitter. All that changed when a review of The Witcher 3 shook his ideals to the core by suggesting a game set in a fantasy world with dragons and magic might be able to accommodate a character who wasn’t white. Overnight, Cheong became a strident voice in favor of GamerGate and the alt-right, ready to defend Pepe’s innocence or retweet literal creationists if they attacked Bill Nye. Cheong was a brave maverick, who feared nothing except ants, seeing slightly less nudity in video games, and also everything.

Pictured: THE SADDEST BOY

Mensch’s era at Heat Street is known for causing the site to be at war with itself: one author would publish an article defending the racist meme frog, Mensch would leap in to counter them. One author would defend some creepy anime, Mensch would replace it with a piece about how it was creepy. This sounds like a bizarre, complicated way of going about the job of editor-in-chief, compared to the typical approach of just saying “hey, don’t publish that bad article you wrote”, but then again, I’m not the head of a failed libertarian off-shoot of Fox News. Luckily, under Cheong the site would flourish as a source that would drag up a few Tweets and use them to passionately defend video game breasts – truly journalism’s highest pursuit.

Heat Street was a directionless site that tried to appeal to the alt-right, and ended up appealing to no one. After alienating everyone, this failure of a site died on Friday, merged into Marketwatch. Mensch now runs her own blog to a dwindling audience, and Cheong’s pursuit of e-fame in an extraordinarily awful demographic looks like a road to nowhere.

Heat Street is in the Hell reserved for media outlets. As it arrived, it looked up into the shining sky, where on the clouds of Media Heaven, the sites we once loved frolic in peace. The Dissolve is up there, and Comics Alliance. You can almost hear the heavenly voice of The Toast regaling them with the tales of Narnia, as written by Ayn Rand, and with jokes about Sufjan Stevens song titles as described by medieval monks. Beneath is Media Purgatory, where Gawker sits under a banner reading “Yeah What Happened Was Fucked Up But So’s Leaking Sex Tapes”. Heat Street is not there. It is in Media Hell, unloved and unwanted, sitting for eternity as Grantland blathers about Boston sports and justifies outing trans people. It shall not be missed.

 

The Horrible World of Alt-Right Music

Today, as long-rumored, the Nobel Prize committee bestowed their Literature award on songwriter Bob Dylan, who wrote songs for such singers as Jimi Hendrix. So it is only fitting, on a great day for music, that I share with you the worst song of the year – the alt-right version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” is already a terrible song, but appending lyrics about Islamophobia, Donald Trump and the hotness of Marine Le Pen takes it to a horrific new level. This video is not on Youtube, or it wasn’t last time I checked. It was CENSORED by the BETA CUCKS running Youtube, or alternatively, it was automatically blocked in the US by a copyright bot. Either way, Liveleak – the internet’s top source for deleted Youtube videos and Eastern European shock videosĀ  – has preserved it for the ages. Come for the tortured, cringe-worthy lyrics, stay for the man playing saxaphone in front of the obligatory Alt-Righter Background Skull:

Click me to see the video!

Click me to see the video!

Previous conspiracy theorist forays into music: 9/11 denialism: the music video!, Infowars sings about ebola