Angry Rational Internet Men

Old Man Yells At Streetlight

The SJW Illuminati New World Order NPC Soy Boy Triple-Bracket Bugman Antifa Supersoldier Normie Virtue Signaler Soros-funded Cultural Marxist Cuck plot to forever plunge western civilization – that totally unified society that’s always shared values and heritage, even when at war with each other for 90% of human history – into degeneracy and an age of ceaseless hypersensitivity has unveiled its latest plan, and the only person brave enough to speak out against hypersensitivity is some dweebus screaming at a traffic light because it hurt his feelings.

Look at this disgraced ghost hunter. Look at this man fired for a racial slur after a heated minor league darts game. My god, my guy.

Meet Mark Collett. He didn’t make today’s video, but he did share it, and he looks like a failed magician desperately pushing card tricks during his night shift at Kinko’s, so.

Mark Collett starred in the infamous documentary Young, Nazi and Proud; he displayed vile, undisguised racism, which of course had no place in the British National Party. The BNP punished him for his naked bigotry by making him head of publicity, and only sacking him when he threatened the party’s leader, Nick Griffin, who looks like he has a side gig as a mayor in a monster movie trying to keep the beaches open.

Now, Collett is known as a podcast host and author of unreadable books about how people who don’t look like him having children is tantamount to the Holocaust. And now, he’s an ardent supporter of people who scream at street lights for no apparent reason:

 

An anonymous bearded Nazi with the bizarre and existentially frustrating handle “Onlinemagazin” is standing on a street corner, loudly waiting for the “green man”. The little green man in the box who helps him navigate his way home so he can spend another night trying desperately to free the little men from his television. “Who trapped you in this box?” he screams, shaking the TV. “Was it the transes? Who did this to you!?”

But our intrepid protagonist is disappointed: for there is not a green man, but a green gender symbol telling him to walk. “There you fuckin’ go!” He screams, as the light turns red again. Perhaps you should focus less on the symbol and more on the color, Mr. Onlinemagazin.

He conjures a conspiracy from a street light: to the confusion of those around him – Londoners trying to get on with their lives – he screams about how you can have a “red man” because it’s negative, but the walk symbol must be a lesbian/trans/gay/genderfluid arcane rune, designed to brainwash all of the UK into hating all men.

Of course, this is nonsense. These alternate stoplights are an temporary addition for Pride, and Piers Morgan has done more to make Britain hate men than any stop light ever could.

And so Monsieur Onlinemagazin, and his Nazi-documentary-boy supporters, walk off into the night, ranting to the air about street lights, boldly ignoring them in their righteous outrage and wandering straight into an open manhole. Hey – at least the sewers of London are more pleasant than spending time around the alt-right.

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In Which Conspiracy Theorists Uncover the “Sinister” Truth About Clickbait

The world is going to hell. In an era of government corruption, creeping power and open descent into fascism, conspiracy theorists are doing just what you’d expect they do: ignore every problem in favor of ranting about feminists and Star Wars. Because who cares about the world’s problems when they don’t impact well-off twenty-something white nerds?

There are many problems with journalism today: the rise of fake news as a phenomenon bolstered by prominent right-wing figures; editorial writers who would rather regurgitate the same tepid story bashing college students than talk about actual problems; and the growing reach of companies like Sinclair Broadcasting. Anyway, Reddit is creeped out by journalists talking about Star Wars:

“What the hell is with the way article headlines are being written these days? At first, it felt like a humorous coincidence, but now it’s seriously starting to creep me out”

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My god! You’re telling me internet clickbait often uses repetitive headline structures? Gosh, ya cracked the case!

This thread – sitting at +2764, with 91% upvotes – continues to discuss this vile conspiracy to, uh, have opinions about Star Wars.

“Many people don’t read beyond the headline. It happens even on here. With the style of writing shown in the OP you don’t just quickly inform the smartphone addict, you also immediately tell them how to feel about that information.”

Or maybe it’s teasing what the author thinks about the subject. But nope, having an opinion in a story about media is brainwashing people. And that’s why Roger Ebert is history’s greatest monster.

“Nobody has the time to read an entire article and then do all the critical thinking required to reach an opiniated conclusion.”

Nobody reads articles anymore, whines someone who complained about dozens of news stories they didn’t read because of a meme.

“Because they entire media apparatus is owned by a single middle eastern tribe.”

SHARK NOISE SHARK NOISE! It’s the Antisemitism Megalodon!

(((And that’s a good thing)))

I don’t know how to process someone implying a phrase is Jewish. When you’re so Antisemitic you think a collection of five words is in league with George Soros.

“I don’t bother reading beyond the headline on reddit because I assume the comments will contain a more researched and nuanced discussion than the actual article”

This may seem odd, but to be fair, Redditors do have high IQs due to all that Rick and Morty.

I think you don’t get it.

  • Movies / TV are cultural nuclear weapons.
  • People are influenced by what they sense – without realizing it.
  • The more you repeat a message – the more it will be accepted and embraced.

Insidious messages like “that movie you liked as a kid, but now with women in it” are truly the modern nuke.

I’ll always enjoy the internet dork dude backlash against The Force Awakens for the magical phrase “little white cuck ball”. There is so much to unpack in an 4Chan user reading psychosexual, racist meaning into BB8. BB8, the little soccer ball droid. “Little white cuck ball” is the modern “cellar door” – it is a statement too beautiful to fully take in. The human mind cannot plumb its depths.

BB8!

“The articles are shaping the perception of the masses (with variations of the message depending on the target) to accept critical and masterfully crafted, hidden and integrated ideas shown in major film such as star wars.

The goal being a continuous shift of the cultural paradigm towards a global unification, also known as new world order.

You embrace ideas that were repugnant to your grandparents and your grandsons and granddaughters will go throught the same process.

We were born in a cult and Star Wars is a tool to evangelize (replace old cultures with new ones) so the small amount of cult leaders can keep enslaving billions of humans.”

Jesus, dude. Just…Jesus. You need a hobby. Maybe collect some stamps or something. Just…do anything but this

And ah yes, I’ve always been proud of my ancestor’s motto, “we’re super mad about women being in a movie that doesn’t exist yet”. A truly noble lineage.

“Operation Mockingbird. CIA controls all aspects of MSM, and the popular narratives on “social media”. Welcome to fascism.”

*sees every Trump speech, the alt-right, and Charlottesville* True fascism is people having different opinions than me about Star Wars.

r/conspiracy could discuss many things. But oddly, this community of paranoid young men with a oppression complex who hate women, minorities and Jews somehow overlooks everything Trump does. Who could possibly know why? But by God, they’ll fight against anyone who vaguely criticize Star Wars, or praise the Star Wars movies they don’t like, or hold an opinion they disagree with even slightly, with all the fierceness anonymous internet commenters can muster.


This is my first post of the year, and naturally, I spent it on some weird, petty Reddit thing. But The Space Lizard Report will return more regularly – as soon as I can install a global conspiracy to make people like the prequels.

In Which Conspiracy Theorists Face Their Greatest Fear – a bean

Paul Joseph Watson, a vlogger in Alex Jones’ sprawling paranoid media empire-slash-supplement lifestyle brand InfoWars, is a major figure in modern paranoid internet dude conservatism, or – as he’d describe it – the new punk rock.

Yeah man, you’re really annoying the leftists by saying something dumb and getting called dumb before everyone moves on with their life.

Paul Joseph Watson is a tough rebel, an iconoclast who fears nothing – except for soybeans.

“Soy boy” is the latest term to spread like wildfire through the alt-right/InfoWars/terrible internet dude scene. Like all of their terminology – from “cuck” to “virtual signaler” – it’s treated as a devastating insult by those who use it, and is heard by everyone else as meaningless horseshit. Just like Watson’s own personal catchphrase, “imagine my shock”. Wow, buddy…I’m starting to think you aren’t really shocked, or something.

Soy feminizes men, Watson says. “You’ve probably seen the Buzzfeed Try Guy video where they measure their testosterone”, he goes on, apparently not knowing what “probably” means. I don’t think I’ve ever googled “testosterone levels of the staff of a website I dislike”, but then again I haven’t shilled even one dubious brain pill.

Watson thankfully includes a two-minutes-hate of feminist men who made a Tweet he dislikes, who also once tweeted about eating soy. Frantically searching for signs your enemies ate a food is a perfectly normal activity. Who hasn’t done such a thing? As you’d expect, this montage ranges from political celebrities to just random nobodies who made a bad Tweet once. Also, he takes a chance to be xenophobic about refugees, because of course.

You’d also expect random cuts to things we’re just instinctively meant to understand as bad. For example, Watson cuts to a woman – unnamed, and never mentioned in the video – saying “I’m triggered”. You sure showed…uh, whoever that was. He also cuts to Jeb Bush. Hasn’t JEB! suffered enough?

The crux of Watson’s theory is that soy contains estrogen. Babies are being fed a soy milk formula, and thus there’s a grand theory about how there’s a plot to raise a generation of Soy Boys. A terrifying world where boys are, uh, feminine a bit, maybe? The implications are truly not that troubling, honestly.

Soy boy outrage ran through the alt-right like a wildfire. Perhaps its finest result was leading 4Chan users to drink onion juice to offset the “effects” of soy and regain their manliness. Stefan “once posed as a woman online to agree with himself” Molyneux compared the consumption of soy to the fall of Rome.

But by and large, “soy boy” has become just another insult thrown about by the alt-right, a sign of cutting wit to them and a sign of meaningless, braying jackassery to everyone else. There’ll be a new one a week from now, and it’ll be just as confounding. But at least we can take pleasure in the fact that this one hurt 4Chan literally.

In Which Reddit Bans A Toxic Cesspool of Misogyny

[cw: rape and misogyny]

r/incels was toxic and misogynistic by Reddit standards, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more terrifying sentence. It was a place for people to congregate to yell about how much they hate women, and then wonder why women won’t sleep with them. It was every nasty, sexist tendency of toxic masculinity-fueled, entitled young men shoved – or, you may say, quarantined – into one hellish place.

Reddit banned r/incels, acting swiftly to stem the tide of such terrible behavior by waiting nearly two years to do literally anything. But let’s not be churlish: Reddit actually Did A Good for once, and we should applaud them, and also ask them to maybe be a bit faster next time.

And on a personal note, I also applaud…myself! Because even though I heard about how awful r/incels was, I never once looked at it. For once in my life, my drive to find something terrible & gaze deeply into it from afar, like a pig wallowing in mud, was defeated by my mind’s self-preservation instincts. Go me! But now I must pick over the fragments of r/incels’ fetid corpse.

Incels, short for “involuntary celibates”, are some of the worst people on the planet – again, they stood out as terrible on Reddit, a kind of zoo for disgusting male subcultures. At their best they appear to have spent time raging against literal strangers maybe having sex, asking profound questions like “why do women like men who are nice and considerate, and don’t spend all their time insulting women on the internet?”. Truly the mystery of our time. Earnest displays of joy and happiness were anathema to them, triggering bizarre and terrifying displays of revulsion.

At their worst, incels are genuinely criminal, often condoning rape – even outright discussing how to get away with it. r/Incels was a vile echo chamber where misogynistic ideas were reinforced and deepened by an insular community. Angry, entitled misogynist dudes still have places to congregate – for example, Reddit – but they have one less place that’s for them – and that’s why we should celebrate its ban.

And to incels themselves: to misquote The Social Network, let it be known that women don’t hate you because you’re a nerd. They hate you because you’re an asshole.

Odds and Ends: Authenticated by Verrit Edition!

MEDIA FOR THE UH, WHO, EXACTLY?

Peter Daou, formerly of the Clinton campaign – and currently living through the 2016 election in a strange, ceaseless fugue – has founded a new media site for “the 65.8 million”. Called Verrit, it’s one of the more confounding political sites online, less a fact checking site than a fact site – a never-ending wall of contextless facts and quotes, each slapped with an authentication number.

Verrit’s existence is less interesting than the bizarre assumptions behind its existence. Verrit exists so that those poor souls still living out the 2016 election can win internet debates; because all you need to win a debate is to show someone a quote as succinct as it is utterly meaningless. Need proof? Why, plug in the authentication number to see that it’s right there on Verrit. Verrit comes from a vein of politics that prizes facts above all, that thinks solid facts are all a person needs to be swayed over to your side, just like on The West Wing. You may know this school of politics from it losing horrifically in the face of fact-free, emotional populism last election. Oh well, at least we can always blame the Russians instead of facing our problems.

LOUISE MENSCH NEWS

Louise Mensch, the British politician turned conspiracy monger and failed media mogul, fired her own lawyer via Tweet for having the audacity to suggest the United States may interfere in democracies abroad occasionally, at some point in its history.

IAN MILES CHEONG WATCH

Noted ant enthusiast Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy, is angry. Why is he angry? Because a gender non-conforming kid exists and it’s stopping us from going to space, like we promised in 1977. Like all Americans, I’ll always fondly remember Jimmy Carter’s inspiring promise to “one day, perhaps in 2017, send an American to space for the first ever time, just like in the new motion picture Stars War”. That there are people in space right now, as we speak, must elude Ian Miles Cheong, who’s busy fretting about society’s decline whilst yelling incoherently at literal children.

And if you’re a fan of childish screeching, Ian Miles Cheong has also spent the last several days tweeting angrily about how he didn’t like how a gaming journalist played a video game but fuck me if I’m ever gonna dive into Gamergate again.

ENTER THE NOTCH ZONE

Minecraft designer Notch blinks unsteadily as the California sun creeps through his mansion’s shuttered, dusty blinds. Getting to his feet, he stumbles, falling to the floor, the heavy thud echoing through the desolate halls, heard by no one. Taking one step after another, trepedatiously he walks through cavernous halls to his one source of joy: his candy room. Reaching out with his gnarled, dirt-caked hand, he unwraps a moldy Tootsie roll, struggling, tearing the paper and dropping the glorious nugget to the floor. He picks it up and eats it anyway.

Taking his phone out, he types out a few words of wisdom:

And returns to his solitary kingdom, his empire of dust and candy, content in the knowledge that he really triggered the Sajews with that one.

BIZARRE CONSPIRACY IMAGE OF THE DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angry Internet Man Has Glasses-Fueled Breakdown

[cw sexual assault, discussion of pedophilia]

Today’s post takes us to the world of anti-SJ blogs, which are an endless circlejerk, a never-ending procession of screams and tired Otherkin jokes issued from a chorus of boring edgelords.

I don’t even really have to introduce this person, as you know their type if you’ve ever navigated the less employable segments of internet discourse. Their Twitter profile, of course, opens up by identifying as some kind of absurd Otherkin type, before segueing into a “if you disagree with me, you’re a bigot” message, because as we know, modern feminism is known for its pro-Otherkin agenda.

patriHave you ever seen a comedian absolutely bomb? Have you ever watched, cringing, as they tried to salvage a terrible act before a hostile crowd? Well, the only thing sadder than a failed comic is a failed troll. Our protagonist today made a post where he made all the Disney Princesses Caucasian and threw them in front of an American flag, and received a grand 21 notes, none of them even angry. His Patreon has raised $10 thanks to the efforts of eight people.

Of course, it’s not hard to see why. Edgelord trolls, by and large, are aiming their work at an audience of fellow edgelord trolls, with the big names regurgitating the same tired memes like a pelican feeding her chicks, but somehow less dignified. The audience of easily outraged feminists reading their every posts simply does not exist. These circles do not intersect, but they’re so eager to believe that they offended someone that they’ll leap on anything as evidence. Anti-SJ blogs fall for parodies more readily than any group this side of Facebook grandmas reading The Onion, but at least that looks like news, and isn’t some outrageously shitty, unsubtle “I’m a black trans disabled agender asexual dildokin xD uWu” Tumblr parody. Anything to escape the fact that they’re sharing their offensive jokes within an echo chamber of people who aren’t going to be offended.

The one exception to their target’s lack of interest is when a blog introduces us to a concept so breathtakingly, bafflingly inane that the broader internet takes notice. And today I want to introduce you to a phrase that’s simple, but endlessly hilarious: “Problem glasses”.

I considered, at first, that this was a parody. But the line between genuine and satirical in the anti-SJ world blew up thanks to four little words: “little white cuck ball”, and GamerGate’s inexplicable war on oddly colored hair showed us that the anti-SJ world does ascribe political significance to the most random shit. So on we go! Patri-Archie-Comic’s stern warning about problem glasses, in its full glory:

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I’m not sure what I can even add to this. “Problem glasses” is an inherently hilarious phrase. “Problem glasses” was not created, it just is. “Problem glasses”, apparently also known as “grandma glasses” or “pedo glasses” (more on that in a bit!), appear to just be…glasses, since the examples offered don’t even look the same.

Words used by “problem glasses” wearers include basic feminist terminology, because there’s nothing anti-SJ types dislike more than incredibly basic terms they don’t understand, as well as concepts like “trans-ethnic” that only exist as anti-SJ fever dreams, and even New Age-y things like headmates and Otherkin. I don’t seem to remember when Anita Sarkeesian declared herself a dragonkin plural with a radical pro-headmate agenda, but I might’ve just missed that video.

Mocking them as “pedo glasses” is interesting, because elsewhere, they’re pretty much fine with pedophiles:

patrip

“As fun as it was to rip into this person and call her a pedo, I actually agree with her opinions, which I tore apart, because…LOGIC AND REASON?”

Let us now just dwell in the magnificence of “problem glasses”, and rue the fact that we can never create something as hilarious, even though we’re trying to be funny.

Found via 9Volt.