Nibiru, the secretive Planet X speculated to exist by some people who are not astronomers, will not pass through our solar system and destroy the Earth this Saturday, goddamnit.
David Meade, an author who boldly describes himself as a “Christian numerologist” despite that not now, or ever having been a job, predicts the world’s end in a potent mix of Bible-code-eschatology and New Age Planet X fears. And he issues his prophecy via the means best accepted by the people: incredibly stupid Youtube videos.
A woman will descend from heaven, looking like something out of a Pure Moods ad.
“…but because she saw The Shape of Water, she’ll kinda be into it.”
A great red dragon will appear, looking like a Langolier rendered on a Nintendo 64.
Snatched up by God in a way akin to the magical books in Myst, yet somehow with more antiquated graphics.
Ah yes, what more Judeo-Christian symbols are there than Astraea, Hermes, Ares and Aphrodite? We later learn that her child is Jupiter – that classic figure of Christianity, Zeus, God of Thunder.
What follows is an apocalypse depicted with all the verisimilitude of a basic cable drama starring a lesser Skarsgard.
My god, look at the sky…it’s a blurry aurora, at this time of year, localized entirely in your shitty Youtube video!
People disappear worldwide from stock footage of major cities, carried away in epilepsy-inducing balls of light. On this random street, hazy filters distract us from how few people are actually there as cars crash and helicopters fall in some hollow The Leftovers-ripoff. I guess the message is less “be Christian and stuff” and more “NEXT TIME YOU INVITE FINAL PAM TO BARBECUE”.
Pants fall from the sky and we close with a final warning:
…says the man literally making an overwrought Youtube video saying the exact day and hour he thinks the world will end. What a world, what a world. Continue reading →
Tonight, the Cubs take on the Pirates in the National League’s wild card game. The Cubs are, of course, the Illuminati’s favorite squadron. And hockey season begins, to the delight of many Canadians and seven Americans. And probably some things that aren’t sports are happening tonight. But more importantly, it’s THE END OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD. Again!
The last time the world ended, it was April. Through long summer days, as we listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989, an anonymous prophet not only gave us a specific day (April 30th), but named a time (11/10 Central) for the end of the world. Now, it’s a cold fall night, and as we listen to Ryan Adams’ 1989 we face a much vaguer tribulation, an apocalypse we just can’t shake off so easily.
The eBible Fellowship claimed that the world would end in May 2011. But whoops, math is hard, it’s clearly going to end in October 2015. Those simple math errors! The world will be annihilated sometime tonight, according to the fellowship. What time? Who knows. At least that anonymous Reddit prophet specified a time zone. Does the apocalypse hit Australia first? How would we even know the difference? Is that why Australia is such a blasted deathscape of monstrous creatures – because every apocalypse hits them early, and leaves traces behind? Does Australia act as the world’s bulwark against its end? The questions are as plentiful as they are pointless!
My bet on when the world will end still remains on the “death via sun expansion, billions of years from now” option. We won’t be in any danger when it happens, though, because humanity will have evolved into either pure energy or some form of gigantic newt by that time, and the Earth will be naught but a museum for our great-great-great-great-(thirty hours later)-great-great-grandchildren and their superintelligent newt families, who will marvel at how, 7.5 billion years from now, the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.
There’s a 99.9% chance the world won’t end tonight, and the .1% chance involves some implausiable yet thrilling Tom Clancyian intrigue in an exotic foreign locale. So don’t worry. The world will be here tomorrow.
Jade Helm begins today. If you don’t remember Jade Helm, here’s a reminder. The government is about to steal Texas’ guns, as they’ve planned to do every year since 1992. They’re going to lock them up in train cars (just like Hitler did in Glacier National Park!), and trap them in Wal-Marts. My God, Texans will rot in a terrifying big box prison, forced to rely on whatever they can find there to survive. Could you handle that? Would you be willing to kill a man over the last can of Minions Spaghetti-O’s? You have kids to feed (damn those cheap Minions condoms!) and THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE. COULD YOU HANDLE IT?
Here’s how this is gonna go down, Texas: no one will take your guns. No one will force you into shackles and sentence you to life in the Duck Dynasty aisle. Glenn Beck will write a book about this and you will buy it. You will also buy gold. A month later, when Jade Helm is over and everyone’s guns lie unpryed in their warm, living hands, everyone will forget this ever happened, or pat themselves on the back for defeating the massive government conspiracy by Tweeting about it, and then they will rush on to the next imaginary government plot.
It’s akin to a church that gathers on the top of a mountain to witness the end of days, only to see nothing; “ah”, says the pastor, “I made a mathematical error. The world ends this time next year”. The government’s always going to stamp down our rights come tomorrow, if the sheeple don’t wake up. There will always be a Jade Helm just around the corner.
It’s been about a week since the world failed to end. And, as you can probably guess, that failed prophet of doom promptly vanished from the Earth come May 1st. He should’ve revealed his prophecy a couple of years before 2015! That’s how you make the kind of serious bank that the 2012 doomsayers hauled in. Richard Noone’s 5/5/2000: Ice – The Ultimate Disaster entered bookstores a good three years before the predicted planetary alignment that would plunge the Earth’s cities under the ocean. Three years in advance is a good time to announce the date of the future apocalypse: enough time for some paperback printings, maybe a TV movie deal…Don’t bother with this “random Reddit hoax” business. Not if you want to become an entrepreneur in the lucrative doomsday industry.
And now, a small-scaler doomsday. I’ve been tracking Jade Helm for a while. It’s the conspiracy theory of the moment, and it’s been validated by some unlikely figures.
Jade Helm is a planned military operation in Texas and other southwestern states. It is nothing more than a large-scale training mission. Or IS IT? …yes, yes it is.
“There can be no doubt that the internal events at Walmart holds the key to the end game of Jade Helm operations. Jade Helm and Walmart are inextricably linked and the existing evidence suggests one of two possible end game probabilities for Jade Helm.
1. Converted Walmart stores will be processing centers for FEMA camp political prisoners.
2. Some Walmarts will be used as supply and staging centers for an internal conflict within the United States.”
Yes. Jade Helm conspiracy theorists believe that Wal-Marts, closed for “renovations”, will actually be used as concentration camps for political prisoners. Our Kenyan Muslim dictator-in-chief will declare martial law and take our guns, and maybe ISIS will come over the border and strike America.
The story about Wal-Marts closing due to “plumbing” failures have swirled around for a while now. And according to some, they’re renovating them into sinister prisons.
“Let me drop a bombshell that I have not seen you address. There are trains moving throughout Texas that have shackles inside some of the cars. I have not personally seen them, but I know personnel that have seen this. This indicates that these trains will be used to transport prisoners of some sort. I know from reading your articles that your default belief will be that these are for American political prisoners and will be transported to FEMA detention camps of some sort. We have been told by Homeland that these trains are slated for transporting captured terrorists, non-domestic. We are not sure we can trust this explanation because Homeland is keeping a lot from us and we are growing increasingly uncomfortable with their presence in Texas.”
And somehow this ties back to ISIS.
All this would be typical black helicopter nonsense. These theorists are always panicking over some vaguely defined threat. Political enemies will languish in Wal-Mart jails, the Government will grab the defenseless people’s guns, and terrorists will take over Texas, while a group of delusional Unabomber types will live out a power fantasy where they can somehow repel the military single-handedly.
First came a simple briefing by the military. Anti-Jade Helm Activists overwhelmed an ordinary press conference. We saw this with Agenda 21, a non-binding sustainable development plan from the early 90s that Glenn Beck blew up into a scheme to destroy American sovereignty. Legions of protestors descended on woefully unprepared zoning board members. And we can only assume that at least one of these assholes was wearing a tricorne hat and introduced himself as a “taxpayer”. These loons ensured the death of an award-winning development plan they regarded as the new Holocaust. Here, 200 people stormed in and relentlessly insulted some poor Colonel.
Said Bob Wells, a resident of Bastrop, where the briefing was held:
“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police. They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.’”
The Governor of Texas then pledged that the Texas State Guard would monitor Jade Helm. The Governor of Texas decided to validate the people haranguing the military about how a routine training operation is somehow the second coming of Nazi Germany. THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS THINKS PEOPLE LIKE THIS ARE WORTH PANDERING TO.
And they probably are. The “paranoid, anti-government” demographic is a key one in deep red Texas. The government is going to imprison you in Wal-Mart, and Obama’s scheme to declare martial law and take our guns is imminent, as it has been for the last seven years. They fight an all-powerful conspiracy that’s, curiously, fine with random nobodies on the internet exposing their evil plans that would imprison or kill thousands. They’ll imprison political prisoners on a massive scale once the conspiracy kicks in, but won’t stop protestors from harassing the military now.
It’s a curious little fantasy that’s at the core of the conspiratorial ideology. Here, look at this Facebook post revealing Obama’s plans – it’s wedged between your grandmother’s Minion meme and your uncle’s terrible thoughts on Baltimore! In the past, they’d be ranting about black helicopters on Usenet. Now, their words – and their votes – are given inexplicable weight.
Luckily, not all in Texas agree with the Governor. Former State Representative Todd Smith said:
“Your letter pandering to idiots… has left me livid. I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my Governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my Governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do.”
And that is the real question here. Does the Governor of Texas believe in Jade Helm, or is he just abetting the spread of these conspiracies because he needs to pander to their beievers? Honestly, I can’t decide which reality is worse.
A mysterious Redditor going by the alias “20141220” claims that tonight, at 10:50 PM EST, a massive solar event will result in the world losing all power for several years. The end of the world will come at 11/10 Central, or likely won’t, since this is just some random, sub-NoSleep Reddit hoax. Or IS IT? (It is not).
In which they misinterpret a video about searching for alien life to freak out and freaks out about a planet that will “merge with Earth” (clearly it’s our twin planet Mondas, and we should get ready to be converted).
You know those bizarre deep sea creatures scientists find all the time in the deepest parts of the ocean? Ones who evolved without exposure to light, depending on a thermal vent-based ecosystem? The depths of Youtube also turn up similarly bizarre finds. Such as someone who doesn’t believe in planes, who thinks they’re demons, whose every video consists of them pointing to blurry shit on their computer screen, who somehow isn’t alone in their beliefs and has ardent supporters. Youtube sure is a magical place sometimes.