Demonology

Over on Youtube, I maintain a playlist of bizarre videos. There’s nearly 100 on there now, with videos ranging from Freddy Freaker to the Judderman. I’ve arranged it into sections, because that is exactly the dorky thing I’d do, so watch it sometime.

One of the videos I’ve had up there for a while is a Chicago-area PSA from the late 80’s. In it, an unnamed preacher rails against Halloween:

There’s so much amazing here. Samhain, which is actually pronounced Sah-win, isn’t just an alternate name for Halloween. And I refuse to believe that this guy hates Halloween. He’s just so into his character. He looks like he loves Halloween, as he plays a scenery-chewing Devil trying to “take Chicago back”. It’s incredible.

Happy Halloween, everyone! Make sure to stay safe when trick-or-treating on 1666 Dark Shadow Lane!

The Jersey Devil, or possibly some kind of goat prop on a string, caught on camera.

Ah, New Jersey. That place next to New York. A state where you can’t pump your own gas, but where you could spend a death-defying day of family fun at Action Park. The great state of New Jersey is very weird. There’s even a magazine about how weird it is. And its most enduring legend is that of the Jersey Devil.

According to one popular origin story, the Jersey Devil was the thirteenth child of Mother Leeds. Leeds declared that her child would be the Devil, for…some reason. The newborn Leeds child grew hooves, bat wings and other devilish accouterments. And, much like a Russian gangster, the now-transformed devil-baby fled into the Pine Barrens, never to be seen again.

Until now.

An anonymous New Jerseyan, hailing from Galloway, claims to have seen the Jersey Devil. And they managed to snap a picture before it disappeared:

jersey-devil

This incontrovertible photographic evidence proves the existence of New Jersey’s most famous flying goat demon monster. And elsewhere we find convincing video evidence.

As anyone with even the slightest knowledge about flying goats can tell you, they keep their bodies absolutely still while they fly. Some say this video looks “obviously fake”, and “cheaper than a Tom Baker-era Doctor Who monster”. These people are ignorant clods who wouldn’t know a Jersey Devil from a Connecticut Goatman. You are all disgraces to the rigorous and not at all credulous-bullshit-filled field of cryptozoology.

Cryptozoology tells us the truth we’ve long suspected, but have always been too afraid to say: Hell is real, and it’s in New Jersey.

Happy End of the World (II)!

Tonight, the Cubs take on the Pirates in the National League’s wild card game. The Cubs are, of course, the Illuminati’s favorite squadron. And hockey season begins, to the delight of many Canadians and seven Americans. And probably some things that aren’t sports are happening tonight. But more importantly, it’s THE END OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD. Again!

The last time the world ended, it was April. Through long summer days, as we listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989, an anonymous prophet not only gave us a specific day (April 30th), but named a time (11/10 Central) for the end of the world. Now, it’s a cold fall night, and as we listen to Ryan Adams’ 1989 we face a much vaguer tribulation, an apocalypse we just can’t shake off so easily.

The eBible Fellowship claimed that the world would end in May 2011. But whoops, math is hard, it’s clearly going to end in October 2015. Those simple math errors! The world will be annihilated sometime tonight, according to the fellowship. What time? Who knows. At least that anonymous Reddit prophet specified a time zone. Does the apocalypse hit Australia first? How would we even know the difference? Is that why Australia is such a blasted deathscape of monstrous creatures – because every apocalypse hits them early, and leaves traces behind? Does Australia act as the world’s bulwark against its end? The questions are as plentiful as they are pointless!

My bet on when the world will end still remains on the “death via sun expansion, billions of years from now” option. We won’t be in any danger when it happens, though, because humanity will have evolved into either pure energy or some form of gigantic newt by that time, and the Earth will be naught but a museum for our great-great-great-great-(thirty hours later)-great-great-grandchildren and their superintelligent newt families, who will marvel at how, 7.5 billion years from now, the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.

There’s a 99.9% chance the world won’t end tonight, and the .1% chance involves some implausiable yet thrilling Tom Clancyian intrigue in an exotic foreign locale. So don’t worry. The world will be here tomorrow.

Flashback Friday: Weird Tales, and Images, from Wisconsin

“Wisconsin has the highest proportion of eccentric environments in the USA, more than 10% of the total.” – Jan Friedman

Since the demise of Time Cube, I’ve become nostalgic for the early, more personal days of the internet. Before social media was around, before content was shuffled towards a few overarching services. Things that are now Twitter feeds and Tumblr blogs would once be a gigantic number of individual, single-topic websites and forums, an array of personal homepages and strange blogs stretching off into eternity. You might stumble across a weird Subreddit now, but at least it’s cloaked in the familiarity of a larger site. Finding one of the web’s oddities once meant entering into an alternate world, created to mirror the author’s mind.

I once enjoyed browsing these websites. I heard about them on the old Snopes message boards, or places like Crank.net and the Museum of Hoaxes, or through long lists of links on places such as the Insolitology or even the Sci-Fi Channel.

I don’t know where I found today’s website. It’s one of several sites describing the many oddities of Wisconsin. I’ll detail the others in future Flashback Fridays; bizarrely, while today’s site is defunct, the other sites that are still up look way more outdated.

What do you think of when you think of Wisconsin? Cheese? Beer? Serial killers? The Fonz? How about the Beast of Bray Road, the werewolf that calls Elkhorn home? Or the Hodag, a reptilian beast made up in a failed attempt to make Rhinelander interesting? Those are just the obvious legends about the state. Today’s site looks at the deep cuts.

The now-defunct Weird Wisconsin last updated in 2004; it vanished some time in 2006. Presumably inspired by Weird New Jersey, it’s home to many accounts of Wisconsin’s paranormal phenomenon, and wonderful images like this:

WISCONSIN (more…)

Blurry Photo or Evidence of Demons?

Ghost Study, the biggest ghost site on the web since 1999, offers the world two things: dubious ghost photos and advice on how to best misuse tools to make them find “ghosts”. This photograph hails from August 2001 and describes a concept that couldn’t even catch on in the world of ghost hunters.

“Look for the demons. You’ll find several of them in this picture!”

crowdNo, photo, YOU ARE THE DEMONS.

Supposedly this photo includes several DEMONS, including: t-rex eating a dude’s head, a shadow man in the stands, and a giant bird or something they helpfully highlighted.

It’s impossible for these to be a woman’s hair, or a face, or a dude wearing black. It’s impossible that this is a terrible photo. Photos never lie, have errors or just look like shit. No, it’s DEMONS.

“This photo from Jeff gives us greater insight into the phenomena of crowd demons. The term “Crowd Demons” is a term I came up with here at Ghost Master to differentiate them from other demonic beings caught on film. It’s not unusual to catch strange and unidentifiable anomalies on film which I call “Crowd Anomalies”, but this is much different! These are not ghostly anomalies at all, but appear to be actual Demons on film! It is believed that the appearance of these types of demons are a direct result of either the location being haunted or their attractiveness to the photographer or member/s of the audience…….scary thought.”

Scary thought…

If you’re looking for other examples of “crowd demons”…there aren’t any. The few times paranormal sites discuss “crowd demons” it’s…a link to this photo. This terrible, terrible photo.

It’s a terrible, terrible photo that’s lasted until 2013, when it made an appearance on a Listverse listicle about lesser-known kinds of ghost, along with kobolds (!?), doppelgangers of Nic Cage, 100% artificial ghosts and vortexes, strange, camera-strap like spirits that only show up on camera.

So next time you’re talking a low-resolution photo of a crowd with a terrible camera, you can always hope that someone will find ghosts and demons in it and keep spreading it around with some ridiculous backstory about “crowd demons”. Ain’t life grand?

“You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”: One Pastor Reveals Barack Obama’s Frankly Incomprehensible Plan to Ship All Black People To Africa

Dr. James David Manning runs Harlem’s Atlah Worldwide Church. He’s also very concerned about Barack Obama sending African-Americans back to Africa in this bizarrely hilarious video from 2012.

Why? He doesn’t really say. Perhaps to solve America’s economic problems, and crime problems, and industrial problems, as this pastor – who is, I must point out, is black – believes. But he does reveal that Obama is working with Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, George Soros* and Bill Clinton to send all black people to Haiti or western Africa. And that Obama is the son of Satan.

“When we go back to Africa, Al Sharpton will be the President. TD Jakes will be your President.”

You’d think the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the countries of West Africa might object, but I’m sure Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is fine with it.

And holy shit, is it intense. “PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. MAYBE WE CAN STAY IN AMERICA. MAYBEEEEEEEEE!”

But the really hilarious part is the sudden change of tone about five minutes and thirty seconds in. He leaps from fire-and-brimstone preacher to morning show meteorologist in seconds. It’s almost like it was an act or something!

Via r/conspiratard.

*I’m amazed that, after all this time running this blog, I haven’t run into any George Soros conspiracy theories until now. He’s also into FEMA conspiracies and is a birther.

The Week in Conspiracy Theories: Top Minds Explore The Satanic Origins of Feminism, Islamophobia Down Under and More!

Feminism: A Secret Freemason Plot?

Via r/conspiratard comes this jumble of run-on sentences alleging that Feminism is a Rockefeller/Rothschild/Satanist/Freemason conspiracy to make sure the state raises children, not parents.

56561954Feminism is a cruel hoax, telling women their natural biological instincts are “socially constructed” to oppress them. It is elite social engineering designed to poison male-female relations – divide and conquer. By promoting Feminism, the state is able to gain the allegiance of women to promote more government control. Their twin objectives are depopulation and totalitarian world government. Research it so you can believe your own eyes. IT’S A TRAP! IT’S A SET UP!

 

To be a Freemason, in most lodges you have to be two things:

  1. A man
  2. Religious (usually Christian)

But let’s not dwell on those facts. Let’s instead dwell on this site’s bizarre images:

fem 3

Women! They have eyes! The All-Seeing Eye. Money. Government. Women making a hand symbol! Three of them! Looks like three sixes. ARE WOMEN A FREEMASON-ILLUMINATI-SATANIST PLOT!??? Of course! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! (more…)

Endorsements

fans

 

I don’t even need to look for weird shit anymore; it comes to me.

I have no idea if this blog is serious, but it did attack Miley Cyrus and then link to random blogs on every line of a song. I’m the “From Disney she was sold”, and the link is to the poorly-lit bald guy REPTILIAN post from earlier. Every other link seems to be to a real conspiracy blog. My guess: Googling “conspiracy theory” without actually checking what appeared.

This blog’s most used tags include “erotica” and seems to mostly be fiction and whatever the fuck this is. I’m just…what is this, and what does it have to do with me?

The Depths of Youtube: Planes Are A Demonic Plot!

The “person pointing at random parts of a blurry screenshot” genre gains a new addition with SKY GOAT DEMON EXPOSED. Planes? No, no. They’re just shapeshifting demons.

demonHe’s not alone in his beliefs, which leads me to think it’s real: it could be a hoax, but this person’s uploaded dozens of similar videos on the subject. Hoaxers are rarely that persistent.

Their other videos include:

…and nearly 200 others.

You know those bizarre deep sea creatures scientists find all the time in the deepest parts of the ocean? Ones who evolved without exposure to light, depending on a thermal vent-based ecosystem? The depths of Youtube also turn up similarly bizarre finds. Such as someone who doesn’t believe in planes, who thinks they’re demons, whose every video consists of them pointing to blurry shit on their computer screen, who somehow isn’t alone in their beliefs and has ardent supporters. Youtube sure is a magical place sometimes.

Previous findings from the depths of Youtube: World War II was a hoax; Vladimir Putin’s keeping dinosaurs from you.