General Conspiracies

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Who suppresses humanity’s psychic abilities? Bill Nye, the President of Science, apparently.

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Plain Summaries of What Conspiracy Theorists Actually F**king Believe

Flat Earthers: The world is flat, and some unknown organization is faking space photographs, flights and cruises to prevent anyone from going to the ice wall that they think exists because they misread a map. By means unknown, this organization somehow profits from inexplicably spending millions, maybe billions annually to make people think the Earth’s flat…for…some…reason? Despite their vast resources & nefarious nature, this organization can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

GamerGate: A game developer used corrupt means to make someone who didn’t ever review their game give a positive review that doesn’t exist to a game that was free. You know, for the sales. After reading some articles that suggested maybe gamers weren’t all nerdy young white straight men anymore as meaning that gamers were literally dead, the geniuses of GamerGate pretended a movement whose origins occurred in public was actually about how gaming journalism wasn’t as ethical as it was in the days of Nintendo Power. Despite this, the conspiracy of corrupt game critics could of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

Also, everyone who believed this is a Nazi now.

PizzaGate: Campaign staffers ate pizza at a popular pizza joint in DC. Somehow this means there’s a secret child abuse cult based in the basement, despite the restaurant not having a basement, and also every part of that sentence being deranged horseshit. I don’t even know here. Despite the cult’s resources, this grand Satanic conspiracy can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

Also, everyone who believed this is a Nazi now.

Medicine denialists: Pharmaceutical companies spend hundreds of millions of dollars on cures for diseases, only to throw them in the trash, for some reason, I guess? Also, the cure for your toxic toxins in your body are [insert whatever scam you’re pitching here]. Despite the pharmaceutical industry’s shadowy nature & vast resources, this conspiracy of greed can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

White genocide: People who aren’t white exist, have kids. Literally. That’s it.

Also, everyone who believes this was already a Nazi.

QAnon: A rando on 4Chan knows secret blah blah I can’t do this anymore. What the fuck. How was that a thing.

Also, Nazis, all of them, etc.

The Conspiracy Theorist Ideology in a Nutshell

“Natural News” (“See real-time breaking news on: GMOs, fluoride and heavy metals”) posted an astonishing article¬†entitled, “Refreshing rationality: Why NOT believing in conspiracies is a sure sign of mental retardation“.

With a title like that, how can you go wrong? Well, quite easily.

The phrase “conspiracy theorist” is a derogatory smear phrase thrown at someone in an attempt to paint them as a lunatic. It’s a tactic frequently used by modern-day thought police in a desperate attempt to demand “Don’t go there!”

First paragraph and we have a Thought Police reference already!

We need a term for unwarranted 1984 comparisons. Perhaps a Space Lizard’s Law: If you live in a country where you can freely read and discuss 1984, then making a comparison to 1984 causes you to immediately lose any argument. (more…)