The Governor-validated paranoia of Jade Helm

It’s been about a week since the world failed to end. And, as you can probably guess, that failed prophet of doom promptly vanished from the Earth come May 1st. He should’ve revealed his prophecy a couple of years before 2015! That’s how you make the kind of serious bank that the 2012 doomsayers hauled in. Richard Noone’s 5/5/2000: Ice – The Ultimate Disaster entered bookstores a good three years before the predicted planetary alignment that would plunge the Earth’s cities under the ocean. Three years in advance is a good time to announce the date of the future apocalypse: enough time for some paperback printings, maybe a TV movie deal…Don’t bother with this “random Reddit hoax” business. Not if you want to become an entrepreneur in the lucrative doomsday industry.

jh-15-map-2
A map of Jade Helm’s sinister plans.

And now, a small-scaler doomsday. I’ve been tracking Jade Helm for a while. It’s the conspiracy theory of the moment, and it’s been validated by some unlikely figures.

Jade Helm is a planned military operation in Texas and other southwestern states. It is nothing more than a large-scale training mission. Or IS IT? …yes, yes it is.

Or perhaps it’s a sinister conspiracy involving…Wal-Mart?

“There can be no doubt that the internal events at Walmart holds the key to the end game of Jade Helm operations. Jade Helm and Walmart are inextricably linked and the existing evidence suggests one of two possible end game probabilities for Jade Helm.

1. Converted Walmart stores will be processing centers for FEMA camp political prisoners.

2. Some Walmarts will be used as supply and staging centers for an internal conflict within the United States.”

Yes. Jade Helm conspiracy theorists believe that Wal-Marts, closed for “renovations”, will actually be used as concentration camps for political prisoners. Our Kenyan Muslim dictator-in-chief will declare martial law and take our guns, and maybe ISIS will come over the border and strike America.

The story about Wal-Marts closing due to “plumbing” failures have swirled around for a while now. And according to some, they’re renovating them into sinister prisons.

Worse, a Texas Ranger claims that there are train cars equipped with shackles:

“Let me drop a bombshell that I have not seen you address. There are trains moving throughout Texas that have shackles inside some of the cars. I have not personally seen them, but I know personnel that have seen this. This indicates that these trains will be used to transport prisoners of some sort. I know from reading your articles that your default belief will be that these are for American political prisoners and will be transported to FEMA detention camps of some sort. We have been told by Homeland that these trains are slated for transporting captured terrorists, non-domestic. We are not sure we can trust this explanation because Homeland is keeping a lot from us and we are growing increasingly uncomfortable with their presence in Texas.”

And somehow this ties back to ISIS.

All this would be typical black helicopter nonsense. These theorists are always panicking over some vaguely defined threat. Political enemies will languish in Wal-Mart jails, the Government will grab the defenseless people’s guns, and terrorists will take over Texas, while a group of delusional Unabomber types will live out a power fantasy where they can somehow repel the military single-handedly.

What makes this different is how these paranoid fears have been validated by Texas’ governor.

First came a simple briefing by the military. Anti-Jade Helm Activists overwhelmed an ordinary press conference. We saw this with Agenda 21, a non-binding sustainable development plan from the early 90s that Glenn Beck blew up into a scheme to destroy American sovereignty. Legions of protestors descended on woefully unprepared zoning board members. And we can only assume that at least one of these assholes was wearing a tricorne hat and introduced himself as a “taxpayer”. These loons ensured the death of an award-winning development plan they regarded as the new Holocaust. Here, 200 people stormed in and relentlessly insulted some poor Colonel.

Said Bob Wells, a resident of Bastrop, where the briefing was held:

“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police. They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.’”

The Governor of Texas then pledged that the Texas State Guard would monitor Jade Helm. The Governor of Texas decided to validate the people haranguing the military about how a routine training operation is somehow the second coming of Nazi Germany. THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS THINKS PEOPLE LIKE THIS ARE WORTH PANDERING TO.

And they probably are. The “paranoid, anti-government” demographic is a key one in deep red Texas. The government is going to imprison you in Wal-Mart, and Obama’s scheme to declare martial law and take our guns is imminent, as it has been for the last seven years. They fight an all-powerful conspiracy that’s, curiously, fine with random nobodies on the internet exposing their evil plans that would imprison or kill thousands. They’ll imprison political prisoners on a massive scale once the conspiracy kicks in, but won’t stop protestors from harassing the military now.

It’s a curious little fantasy that’s at the core of the conspiratorial ideology. Here, look at this Facebook post revealing Obama’s plans – it’s wedged between your grandmother’s Minion meme and your uncle’s terrible thoughts on Baltimore! In the past, they’d be ranting about black helicopters on Usenet. Now, their words – and their votes – are given inexplicable weight.

Luckily, not all in Texas agree with the Governor. Former State Representative Todd Smith said:

“Your letter pandering to idiots… has left me livid. I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my Governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my Governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do.”

And that is the real question here. Does the Governor of Texas believe in Jade Helm, or is he just abetting the spread of these conspiracies because he needs to pander to their beievers? Honestly, I can’t decide which reality is worse.

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The Week in Conspiracy Theorists

NOBODY DIED, NO ONE GOT HURT

I’ve missed a lot in the conspiracy theory world since mocking #GamerGate back in September. Here is a recap of everything you missed:

  • ISIS DON’T REAL
  • EBOLA: DOES REAL, BUT WHO MADE IT DO REAL???
  • Some assholes putting up a Building 7 collapse billboard in New York

So, ISIS. Is it real? Yes. It’s one thing to say “American policy in the region is responsible for the rise of ISIS” and another to say “AMERICA MADE ISIS”.

Sadly, author and political consultant Naomi Wolf is among those who have hitched a ride on the ISIS-Don’t-Real train, and in the process exposed something rather odd. Not only did the US create ISIS, but they staged those beheadings!

Ah yes, Nobody Died-ism, my old friend. The idea that the government will do something unspeakably horrific, but back off at some odd point: they’ll create ISIS, but they wouldn’t actually behead any journalists! It’s another paradox in conspiracy theorist’s beliefs, much like the classic, “the conspiracy will bring down the twin towers, but refuse to go ahead and kill one crazy person ranting on the internet”.

AND NOW, HITLER.

rconspiracy is a cesspool

R/Conspiracy celebrated Rosh Hashanah by making a six-hour long work of Hitler apologism their featured documentary. Thanks to this, their sidebar was – and for the first time ever, I can say this sincerely – literally Hitler. Happy 5775?

Note: I think I have two-thirds of r/conspiracy tagged as “antisemitic” by now.

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NEWTOWN

I just noticed that one of the links in that screencap is someone pointing out that the FBI’s crime statistics include zero deaths in Newtown, PROVING no one died at Sandy Hook. Yes! Of course! They’ll fake the murders, then…refuse to lie on the crime statistics? What? As always, conspiracy theorists believe two things:

  1. There’s a conspiracy of unparalleled evil that’ll stop at nothing, and controls everything.
  2. They leave obvious clues to their wrongdoing and do nothing to stop random people on the internet from unraveling their plan.

A simultaneous persecution complex and power fantasy. Incredible.

The claim’s been debunked by Snopes; since the state police handled Sandy Hook, the deaths are counted under state statistics.

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THE NEW ENEMY

ByohrpbIYAAShphOne of r/conspiracy’s top posts was this joke about how their favorite holiday was “the annual unveiling of the new enemy”. The comments are a bunch of people who haven’t read 1984 making cracks about how we’ve always been at war with Eurasia.

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MUSICAL INTERLUDE

 

The great thing about being a political musician is that you don’t actually have to make a good song, since only people who agree with you will be listening and they’ll be too busy nodding in agreement to notice that you’re fucking terrible. And why write a song about one thing when you can write a song about all the things? Proposed alternate title for this song: “We Didn’t Start the Fire…Because THEY Started The Fire And Fire Can’t Melt Steel Anyway (ft. Skylar Grey)”.

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MEDIOCRE AND CANCELLED

polls_911_simpsons_5630_727607_answer_1_xlargeThe X-Files spinoff The Lone Gunmen is famous for exactly one thing: freaking 9/11 truthers out. See, the pilot features a plot to hijack a plane and fly it into the World Trade Center. I know this because I watched it, live, as it aired. This fact occasionally gets brought up on Reddit and freaks everyone the fuck out.

I’ve always wondered, though, what truthers are saying by pointing this out? There’s a massive conspiracy and they planted clues to it happening in popular media because…? Supposedly, to “prepare” people for 9/11. Because…?

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ACTUALLY CREEPY SHIT

Despite what some may say, gaming is not under assault by vicious feminist succubi out to take away your games. Gaming has nice allies, like the military it glorifies in endless militaristic first person shooters. Hell, there’s even a game made as a recruitment tool for the army.

Call of Duty director David Anthony believes there should be plainclothes soldiers in schools to prevent attacks. “The public won’t like it, they’ll think it’s a police state”, he says, “when we have a new product that has elements that we’re not sure how people will respond to, what do we do as a corporation? We market it, and we market it as much as we can–so that whether people like it or not, we do all the things we can to essentially brainwash people into liking it before it actually comes out”.

Holy shit. Some guy literally said there should be armed soldiers in classrooms and the public needs to be brainwashed into liking it, least they think they’re in a “police state”. So what are the TOP MINDS saying about this?

“My high school already has security, including an armed police officer. Having a soldier in our school wouldn’t be much different”

“Implying kids actually play CoD for the story. Pretty much everyone I know who buys the yearly CoD release plays the campaign mode once then only plays multiplayer after that.”

Keep fucking that chicken, r/conspiracy!

Note: the lengths people will go to in order to not discuss gun control are incredible. “How do we protect kids in the case of a school shooting? Maybe we should implement gun-” “YES, WE SHOULD ARM EVERY TEACHER. IT’S THE ONLY WAY.” Keep fucking that chicken, society???

“It’s the age of the Tea Party, all government is bad. That’s why they threw an amazing, award-winning plan into the trash.”

Conspiracy theories are, generally, harmless. They may become a target of unhealthy obsession for their advocates, but they usually don’t harm anyone else in and of themselves. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes conspiracy theorists can harm the people, and world, around them.

Agenda 21: a non-binding UN resolution calling for sustainable development. Passed in 1992 and signed by many world leaders, including George H. W. Bush.

But if you ask conspiracy theorists, Agenda 21 is something far more sinister. It’s a threat to American sovereignty, it’s a plot to take away your property, it’s going to destroy the Constitution!

And that’s why people fought an award-winning development plan in Baldwin County, Alabama and killed it in 2012. Smart growth and urban development had become something more:

“This battle is more than just planning,” the county commission’s chairman, Robert James, said that day. “This is to protect the Constitution of the United States and what’s in it and, to me, even the Ten Commandments that God gave us.”

In attacking the Baldwin County comprehensive plan, James, the county commission chairman, invoked the names of Hitler and Stalin, Mao and Mussolini, and how their “plans, guides, outlines” resulted in the deaths of millions of people.

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