Illuminati

The Space Lizard Report Hits the Big Time

In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.

As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.

cubs1

“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”

It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.

cubs3

You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.

Specifically, r/conspiracy.

Unironically.

I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.

rconspiracy

The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

…and…

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.

 

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Top Minds: “No Major Sporting Event Has Been Attacked By Terrorists, Except All Those Ones That Were.”

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:

*SCREAMS FOREVER*

Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!

The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.

And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.

“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”

Except if you like the Raiders.

“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.

The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”

Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.

So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.

Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.

The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.

Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.

…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.

If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-

But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.

EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.

It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.

I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).

Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!

So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.

Has the Secret Service been infiltrated by shapeshifting alien Voldemorts?

Reptilians are maybe the best conspiracy theory there is. Sounding like something conceived of during a stoned marathon of V, and created by a soccer commentator who now gives six-hour long speeches to packed houses in Wembley (…Arena), it claims that the course of the world is decided by evil reptilian aliens posing as influential people. So it’s sad to see this delightfully absurd idea fade away in a time where conspiracy theorists mostly just deny things.

But a Youtuber named Reptilian Resistance has discovered a shocking secret in a video of “Barrick” Obama, and it’s perfect, just perfect.

“The cameras spotted a very odd individual who may be with the US Secret Service or Israel’s…and could be strong evidence of a shapeshifter alien humanoid working for the Powers that Be, caught in a high definition video during an event of the Zionist cabal.”

See, a poorly lit bald man is seen in the crowd. So he must be a reptilian! Who’s shapeshifting in front of a crowd of thousands, on live television! Those sneaky reptilians. And he doesn’t have a nose! Why, he looks a lot like Voldemort. Good thing Joe Biden’s here to put on his robe and wizard hat and defeat this dastardly dark wizard – what, you didn’t know that Joe Biden’s a wizard? Well, can you prove he isn’t?

Awesomely, the video zooms in extremely close on the anonymous bald guy; the video’s computer voiced maker apologizes for the distortion, but thinks their case remains clear.

“Did his shapeshifting device fail during Obama’s speech? …Is he an actual reptilian humanoid, is he one of the Annunaki? Is he a tall grey bio-android, or what?”

I mean, let’s keep our options open here. You don’t want to rush to conclusions when you’re saying

The Anunnaki are Mesopotamian deities and the technical term for reptilians. Because of course ancient aliens would work their way into here somehow.

“Is that video evidence that the Illuminati elite is in bed with at least one ancient extraterrestrial race, hidden in plain sight and pulling the strings of mankind?”

Saying that you’re “just asking questions” is a neat way to say the most batshit things and still seem reasonable. CNN anchors who think the missing airplanes might’ve flown into a black hole are just asking questions. Every special about ancient aliens on the History Channel ends by saying they’re just asking questions. “Just asking questions” turns you from a raving lunatic to a ill-informed but curious person.

This tactic does not work here.

This is an older video and, hilariously, the White House was asked to comment on this video alleging that they have reptilian Secret Service agents. Please go read the answer they gave.

One Year Ago, the Chicago fuckin’ Cubs Pulled Some Illuminati Shit, or Something?

Yesterday the Milwaukee Brewers played the Chicago Cubs and lost, blowing their long-held lead in their division in the last stretch because of course they did.

But a Godlike Productions poster is here to remind us that one year ago, something altogether more sinister happened in Milwaukee.

On June 26, 2013, the Chicago Cubs vs Milwaukee Brewers game was on live on Chicago’s WGN network.
The guy in this YT video below was the first to catch the moment thru his DVR.

The date was a significant one: it was the 194th birthday of Abner Doubleday, the proclaimed Father of Baseball who invented the game. What was really interesting too was the location: the Miller Park Stadium in Milwaukee is right off Interstate 94 or I-94 (194)blink!

During a baseball game, a page of symbols appeared. Satanic symbols like pentagrams, all-seeing eyes…plus the Hammer & Sickle and fleur-de-lis.

The poster goes on to say:

Interesting clip from a 1999 episode of The Simpsons…

A clip from The Simpsons! That…proves…???

The baseball itself has a DOUBLE INFINITY design, also as the number 88, which has been showing up lately since this year’s Super Bowl.

Oh my god, the seams on this ball are ILLUMINATI SYMBOLISM!

No way this image is serious. But even it isn’t, I don’t doubt that the poster believes it sincerely.

Good read here…

The Masonic Ritual of Baseball

– The Square and the Compass
– The Checkerboard
– Numerology
The numerology aspect of baseball is something to look at closely because it relates directly to the sacred numbers. You will notice that almost all numbers related to baseball are multiples or divisors of 9.

3 strikes
3 outs
9 fielding positions
9 innings
27 outs per game
81 homes games
81 games on the road

Here’s what those studied in the occult have to say about the occult kabbalistic ritual of Baseball:

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

Why do these conspiracy theories always revolve around shitty teams, anyway? The Cubs haven’t won the World Series in 106 years, but obviously they’re part of a conspiracy that secretly controls the world! And the Vancouver Canucks rule Canada.

THE SACRIFICE FLY

The BATTER at home plate is actually the BAITER, and like BAIT, as the BATTER hits the Ball, the masses get hooked in the excitement and just like MAGIC… lend their intense focus and energy to this kabbalistic ritual. There is no way that the coming world devastation could ever come to fulfillment without the use of mass media and the luciferian kabbalistic rituals we call sports, religious gatherings, political rallies and elections, and just general entertainment. All this had to be put in place first, or none of the killing and natural disasters could ever be accomplished on a worldwide scale, and still be undetected as to who is responsible for them. This is symbolized in the Caduceus of Hermes, or the Caduceus of Mercury medical symbol, where we see two snakes intertwining around a pole with wings that represent the spirit of god. It is this SION serpent, which again is the ZION serpent that is the Serpent of duality that is the driving force behind all sporting events and the Olympic games.

To this type of person, everything must have secret occult meaning. Baseball’s not a game, it’s an arcane ritual meant to brainwash us! And what better vehicle for brainwashing than a game that’s notoriously declining in popularity?

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

The game on the diamond was played out so that the accuser(pitcher) could not rule over man, but the law would. The accuser stands upon the mound 66 gilgul, or the place of the skulls. This is also the same spot as the masonic “G” in the square and compass design. So the accuser stands in the place of God or “Grand Architect” as the masons call it. The accuser’s dominion is the cycles of birth and rebirth, or if you are counting, 60 feet 6 inches. The accuser stands upon the mound to split the accused(batter) in two. He is trying to rule over the batter by accusing the batter. The accusation splits the batter in two.

What?

To understand this better, Jesus stands before Pilate, and Pilate gives the crowd a choice, Jesus, King of the jews, or Joshua Bar Abbas, Jesus son of the father. It’s the same person, there is no other person there. What Pilate did is make the crowd choose, thereby giving himself authority over the death of Jesus. The fact is Pilate split the name in two to create that duality to use the power of death against Jesus. He accused him and split him in two.

What??

Back to baseball. The accuser is there to split the batter in two. The baseball represents the pod, or the Power Of Death. The BAT represents the whole of the law. And by the law the accuser is thwarted, so that he can not use the power of death, against the batter. The batter is like Job, he takes a side, but that leaves the other side unprotected. This is why the batter must be successful at least one third of the time, hence three strikes and you are out. When the batter takes a side, he is unprotected and the accuser will surely broadside him, this is why the bat protects the other side. With the breakdown of the law, the accuser finds his weakness and exploits it to make him fear the limit of death, and make him believe he has power over his life. To get away from the accusing finger of the pitcher, and the judgement of his side, the batter must hit the ball (pod) or power of death, where the accuser is not. Now the Ball represents the power of death. Death only get’s it’s power from your belief in it.

What?!?!

Maya Angelou will not attend the 2014 MLB Beacon Awards Luncheon, where she will be honored.

Major League Baseball cited “health reasons” Friday in saying the 86-year-old won’t make it to the May 30 event in Houston before the annual Civil Rights Game.

Angelou canceled an event last month in Fayetteville, Arkansas, because she was recovering from an “unexpected ailment” that sent her to the hospital.

The caged bird who helped free the minds of racist America: Poet Maya Angelou is found dead aged 86 after final prophetic tweet

Maya Angelou, the groundbreaking poet and author who inspired millions of Americans with her moving memoirs and works of fiction, is dead at 86.

A caretaker found Angelou dead at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, on Wednesday morning when she arrived to check on the ailing poet.

My god, it’s so clear now! A dying Maya Angelou didn’t skip out on an event due to her health. Major League Baseball had her murdered because…?

Further replies continue to grasp for straws. The trailer for the now-forgotten movie Million Dollar Arm is cited as…nothing; no context is given.

Those wondering if all of baseball is in bed with the Illuminati or not should note that the author freaks out about the Brewers and Cubs playing the day she posted this.

brewers

So it’s specifically the Cubs and Brewers that are in with the nebulous conspiracy. Is this a local midwestern conspiracy, or just a poorly planned one?

Imagine the discussion. “Alright, gang. I’ve decided what sports teams to invite into our world-spanning conspiracy. First we capture the Chicago Cubs, Toronto Maple Leafs, Milwaukee Bucks, and Cleveland Browns! Then we’ll go across the pond and recruit Sunderland, Newcastle and the entire English national team! We’ll be ruling the world in no time with this brilliant scheme!”

In 1987, in Chicago, an unknown person hijacked PBS’ feed during an episode of Doctor Who.

What was the meaning behind it? Nothing. There was no conspiracy burying messages in episodes of Doctor Who, and there’s no conspiracy hiding their symbols in a Cubs-Brewers game. What we’re looking at here is likely just some employee of WGN pulling a prank. But internet types who look for meaning in everything saw meaning in it, as they are wont to do.

Above: The finale of the Illuminati’s secret plan.

“The energy bolts give the necessary conditions for these other dimensional civilizations to be able to start experimenting with our universe and/or planet.”

This document is the alleged result of the actions of one or more scientists creating a covert, unauthorized notebook documenting their involvement with an Above Top Secret government program. Government publications and information obtained by the use of public tax monies cannot be subject to copyright. This document is released into the public domain for all citizens of the United States of America.”

“They have started to send probes here, in order to know more about the natural conditions or our universe and planet. The probes are limited to one specific semidome of energy, a circle, in a field where they have scanned the energy bolt…”

Lately, conspiracy theories have been depressing. A lot of bigotry and people eager to write off tragic incidents as “false flags”. What happened to the aliens-and-Area-51 conspiracy theorists of yore?

Well today I bring you all something truly magical: documents about life on other planets, supposedly from an official of some shadowy agency. It’s just one of many documents on a wonderful site I must explore in the future. (more…)