A Guide to the Naive World of Old Alien Pics

THE DYING ALIEN

Origin: unknown, but probably nefarious; mid-2000s

The best thing about this alien picture is that it shows that somebody somewhere was trying to keep this alien alive. That gives us hope that not everyone that comes in contact with a real alien is looking to exploit them for negative reasons. This picture of a dying alien shows the alien in a seriously frail state but fighting to stay alive. We only wish we knew if the alien in this alien picture won its fight for life.

Naive hopes and musings about how Some People Are Nice To Aliens aside, the truth of this image is simple: it’s a promo picture from The X-Files, specifically “Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man”:

While the coloring is different due to the way it’s shot, the medical equipment and the shape of the alien’s nose and eyes match up perfectly, making it certain this is

The source of the promo picture is unknown, but Kentaro Mori says it came to the internet via a long-gone X-Files fansite.

Really, I posted this for the tone of the site’s prose: the odd, naive, hopeful enthusiasm you find in one strain of Ye Olde UFO Culture. Alien-UFO-Pictures dot com embraces everything with a smiling face and a little hope.

An obvious art piece, created in 1978 before proliferating across UFO books in the 90s and landing on this site long after their creator, Linda Corriveau, stepped forward? Sure. Also, they save it as “Chinese looking alien” which, problematic?

A photo of perfectly normal hieroglyphics with the suggestion ancient Pharaohs wore big hats to cover their big alien heads? Why not!

We are told in schools that the great pyramid of Egypt took 40 years to build and it’s purpose was to bury a pharoah. Come on now, are we that gullible and were the Egyptians that gullible? Of course not, who would spend 40 years of hard labor building a pyramid just to stuff a dead body in it after 40 years of hard work. That hardly sounds logical for such an obviously advanced culture as the Ancient Egyptians. They invented their own language for god sakes, are we to think they were dumb enough to spend 40 years sweating their guts out for only burying 1 body.

Sure, we have many burial sites, engravings, and even books detailing Egyptian death beliefs at length…but isn’t it a bit weird for a society to put so much effort into one person’s grave? Egyptology, debunked (???)

(Side bar: I always love when New Age types talk about how it “can’t be a coincidence” that pyramids exist so many places…even though Mesoamerican pyramids look nothing like Egyptian pyramids, and that they served different functions. Almost like it’s a logical shape for building large structures in bits, or something.)

Like the people from Easter Island who were called the Birdmen Tribe, he too can fly.

Sure! Easter Islanders could fly. Why not!

One image on this site of a “dead alien” is, according to IsaacKoi, a photo of a real dead person, photoshopped to have an alien’s face, since people are awful.

I always love claims of UFOs appearing in paintings because it implies a UFO just flew by while they were painting & they chose to include it, like they just asked the weird pointy alien spaceship to stand still a bit so they could get its lines, since of course it’s impossible for historic artists to be symbolic or use stylization.

Here are 2 pictures of the movie Alien Vs Predator, I found it worthwhile to add them to this alien picture page because so many people search for Alien Vs Predator pictures online.

Serious UFOlogy, everyone!

An alien under arrest, presented without any comment, that originally featured in the sterling pages of the Weekly World News? Why not.


FARM ALIENS

Origin: ???

By comparison to the others, these photos are relatively mysterious. Spreading since at least 2004, these photos are alleged to come from Italy, Mexico, and most commonly England, where one site dates them more specifically to the South of England, November 1999. Further searching reveals a source (thanks to this gloriously Geocities-y webpage), Insidor.com, now long-gone.

Insidor.com claimed the images were from a video, and includes the following story:

Mr XXXX was woken in the night by the sound of a neighbour’s dog whining, and a strange feeling. He ventured outside and saw a strange light in the sky. He describes the light as being in three parts, triangular with the brightest point of light in the front. Mr XXXX went back inside grabbed his video camera, and filmed for 4 minutes. He describes hearing a muffled noise near the end of his garden and approached and filmed what he called ‘strange little ghost’. Mr XXXX claimed to have had strange experience throughout his life and an interest in the Paranormal.

Okay?

The site does have a video section; oddly, it only includes well-known UFO videos like Gulf Breeze, White Sands, and 70s UK TV hoax Alternative 3 and not the video of the literal aliens the site claims they were sent. Strange!

But information isn’t forthcoming, so I’d imagine this was some kind of art project or proto-ARG, given the site’s backstory about “Aquarius”. Still, I love these images because they are all incredibly powerful moods:

Like, same?


CHILEAN PARK ALIEN

Origin: …a Chilean park.

We return to Kentaro Mori for a debunking of this little fella.

I think when I first saw this photo it was identified as being in Moscow; Japanese investigators dubbed it a kappa (…walking over land in Chile?); however, it is definitely from Santiago’s Parque Forestal.

I’ve always loved this one. I love an alien picture that’s just a tiny little guy walking between some horse cops for no reason, and the blurriness of every single thing in frame. Like, genuinely.

But if it isn’t an alien, alternative theories dubbed it possibly: an imp; a ghost; a tree branch; a child or a monkey. Or a hoax.

However, analysis showed it wasn’t a hoax, but mistaken identity: it’s likely a dog, snapped in the middle of an awkward pose, with the “arms” being its hind legs. A weird dog, but a good dog.

3D Phantoms & Nokia Ghosts: A Guide to Vintage Ghost Photos, Part II

Previously…
NOW…
The Ghost Girl

Origin: Allegedly, Indonesia circa 1993; others place it in Sarajevo, Ohio or Texas.

Bei längerem Betrachten dieses Bildes wurden bereits bei vielen Menschen auf der ganzen Welt psychische Störungen festgestellt.

 

Ova slika uslikana je na jednom od mjesta zlocina 1993 u Indoneziji.U ovom hodniku desio se zlocin.Ova slika trebala je da sluzi kao jedan od dokaza u sudnici.Medjutim nakon izrade ova se djevojcica pojavljuje na slikama!!!!!

 

La siguiente fotografía es original de Indonesia, en la época de los disturbios en contra del gobierno en 1993, y la foto fue tomada por un reportero que estaba documentando los acontecimientos en uno de los edificios donde había ocurrido una masacre masiva. El fotógrafo disparo el flash a la estancia, en el lugar exacto donde fue la matanza, para documentar el lugar de los hechos. Al revelar la película esto fue lo que apareció, este suceso ha dado la vuelta al mundo. ¿Nos lo creemos o no?

 

This picture was taken by a reporter in Indonesia, in 1993. The reporter wanted to take a photo of a room where a mass killing was done.When the photo was developed showed this!! It is said that people that were looking at this picture for long, had nervous breakdown problems afterwards.

Spreading at least as early as 2002, and likely earlier, this photo is as classic as it is easily explained.

The origins of the ghost girl are always placed in places of horror: unrest in Indonesia, massacres in Eastern Europe, Ohio. To even glimpse this phantom invokes a curse – those afflicted suffer breakdowns and mental illness.

Why a reporter’s camera would pick up red & green colors is never explained. Such an odd spirit, to distort the world to look exactly like an image meant for 3D glasses.

That’s what this photo clearly is. Frustratingly, my history with this supposed spirit is personal: I vividly remember seeing this image, or at least one like it, in a book in the mid-to-late 90s. It must have unnerved me, for me to remember; when I encountered this photo a few years later my entire reaction was “oh, it’s that photo from that book!”

Alas, the source of it has never been found, so I have no clue if it really was the origin or not. ALAS.


CELL PHONE GHOST

ORIGIN: Allegedly Manila, circa 2003, though earlier uploads may exist

This was taken last week, the girls are using Mobile phone that has a camera, I believe it is Nokia 7650, the girls are having fun, but when they look at the screen of the phone they saw a person next to the other girl and holding her hand. It was so scary.

 

Lo scatto in questione proviene da Eastwood City, Manila, è stata fatta con un Nokia 7250, un telefono cellulare con fotocamera. La storia dietro ad essa narra che due ragazze dopo una notte di divertimenti volessero farsi scattare una foto, così chiesero ad un passante di fotografarle, ma ciò che videro nello schermo del telefono scioccò loro. Un essere spettrale era accanto alla ragazza a destra e sembrava toccarle il braccio

 

This photo was taken at Eastwood City in Manila through a Nokia 7250, a phone with a camera. These two girls were out for the night and they wanted to have their picture taken. After asking somebody to take their picture, what they saw on the phone’s screen shocked them. A ghostly being was beside the girl in right and it appeared to be holding her arm. FREAKY!

A mainstay of ghost websites to this day, this photo is in the resplendent quality of early camera-phones.

Though an easy explanation is that someone moved out of frame as the photo was taken, claims of a double exposure are dismissed as impossible by most sources, and I don’t know enough about early cell phone cameras to confirm or deny. The ‘ghost’ resembles one in a ghost-photo-fakery app, but as we know this photo is really from 2003, it can’t be an app (more likely the app modeled their ghost on this photo, not the other way around). A Ghost Study reader helpfully says:

“I get a strong feeling that the ghost in that pic holding the girls arm was a close friend, or relation. The letter ‘K’ keeps appearing in my mind.

But he doesn’t claim to be a psychic. Just a weirdo online.

Reportedly the photographer & the subjects didn’t report anything unusual, and for once the unearthly appearance of the ghost rules out the possibility that it was, y’know, just a person walking by.

My best guess is “Photoshop, probably?” or “some camera glitch from motion”, but most debunkings gravitate towards “they faked a photo provably from 2003 with an app” and “double exposure, which is maybe impossible, I guess”, so we can at least class this one as Kinda Spooky.


AND NOW SOME FACES IN JUNK

Why did everyone in the 2000s see faces in everything

Na slici se nalazi prizor pozara jednog auta.Obicni pozar il nest malo vise,pogledajte tu vatru!?

Hier ist ein Foto von einem Autobrand… War es ein Unfall, oder eher das Werk eines Flammengeistes???

Und jetzt was Aktuelleres: Bilder vom 11. September von CNN.

A wild time where the Devil was just appearing in every fire and cloud but Jesus was in our toast so it’s all good, I guess

NEXT TIME: Smol aliens

British Goblins and Ted Danson: A Field Guide to Vintage Ghost Pictures, Part I

The Legless Woman

Origin: supposedly 1989; started spreading online in late 90s-early 00s

Eine Familie fotografiert ihre Kinder. Nach dem Entwickeln stellt sich heraus, dass eine Frau auf dem Bild erscheint und in die Kamera schaut, die während der Aufnahme NICHT DA STAND ? …und wo sind ihre Beine ?!?!?

 

Esta foto le fue tomada a la niña en Roma cuando la familia fue de vacaciones. Cuando revelaron la película apareció… ¡Esta mujer de sombrero de paja flotando en el aire

 

Majka je uslikala svoju djecu.Kada su izradili sliku pokazalo se da je na slici neka zena koja gleda pravo u kameru,ali koja za vrijeme snimanja slike nije bila tu!!!!!
uh,ja,a gdje su joj noge!!!!!!??????

 

A photograph taken by Mr Webb of his young daughter shows a woman dressed in black floating legless in the background. While it is possible that the woman’s legs are concealed behind a post, the angle at which she leans does create doubt that the lady is corporeal.

 

Of course, during the time the picture was taken, neither Mr. or Mrs. Webb saw anyone move into their way, ruining the moment they were capturing on film.

Though given multiple origins, the most consistent is that this photo hails from London – more specifically, Covent Garden (hence the more official name the “Covent Garden Ghost”). Sources dismiss the photo being an optical illusion; “If her legs were behind the post, she would tip over (in our estimation)”.

…but her legs are behind the post. Unlike the rest of the photo, she’s in motion – presumably fast, given the visible blurring and her lean forward. The photo caught her with one leg behind the post and the other moving, presumably behind her or behind the post.

As for why they didn’t see anyone, well, who remembers someone you don’t know passing by as you took a photo in 1989?


THREE MEN AND A BABY GHOST

Origin: mid-90s

Ein Studio-Foto von “Drei Männer und ein Baby”. Der Junge im Hintergrund wurde während der Aufnahme von keinem aus der Filmcrew gesehen, erkannt, oder wahrgenommen. Nach langen Ermittlungen stellt sich heraus, dass er vor ein paar Jahren in diesem Raum sein Leben gelassen hat.

 

Este es el famoso fotograma de la película
“Tres solteros y un biberón” en donde aparece una imagen que no debería de estar ahí.
La rumorología hollywoodiense cuenta que se trata del niño que resultó fatalmente muerto en ese apartamento mientras manipulaba un fusil.

 

Za vrijeme slikanja djecak u pozadini se nije vidio,ali otkud odjednom na slici????Nakon istrazivanja pokazalo se da je prije nekoliko godina ovdje umro taj mali djecak!!!!!!

The Three Men and a Baby ghost is well-trod ground by now, debunked by Snopes in 1997. It’s a standee of Ted Danson from a deleted scene, and the film wasn’t shot in a real house.

THE CAVE GOBLIN

Origin: 2001-2

Let’s close on the big one, the one image inescapble on Ye Olde Ghost Sites.

Das folgende Bild war ein Beweisfoto in einer polizeilichen Ermittlung. Ein Fotograf wollte in einer Höhle Bilder machen (Khaimah) obwohl Einheimische ihn nahezu anflehten, die Höhle nicht zu betreten. Gegen Mittag rief er die Polizei, weil er fürchterliche Schreie in der Höhle vernahm. Stunden später fand die Polizei den Mann, dessen Körper vollständig zerlegt war. Seine Kamera lag neben ihm. Als die Polizei im Zuge der Aufklärung den Film in der Kamera entwickelte, waren sie geschockt. Da kein weiterer Beweis für die Aufnahme gefunden werden konnte, gab man als Todesursache an, er sei von einem wilden Tier angefallen worden. Guck Dir das “Tier” mal an…

 

Ova slika bila je dokaz u jednoj policijskoj istrazi.Fotograf htio je u jednoj pecini da napravi nekoliko slika(Khaimah),iako su ga domordci molili da ne ulazi u pecinu.Negdje oko podne fotograf je nazvao policiju i rekao im da cuje uzasne zvukove unutar pecine.Nekoliko sati kasnije policija je nasla tijelo fotografa,cije je tijelo upoptunosti bilo izjedeno i istrgano.Njegova kamera nalazila se odmah do njega.Kada je policija izradila film imala je sta i vidjeti!!!Medjutim posto se nije moglo drugacije objasniti,policija je navela da je fotograf napadnut od strane nekih zivotinja.
Pa pogledaj malo te zivotinje!!!!1

“This is a true story in Ras el Khaimah, United Arab Emerites. This picture has been released as a police report evidence in the UAE. The story is that a young man went in the caves in Ras el Khaimah to take pictures in caves known to be deserted, with a friend. He had been warned not to go. The person who had been with him called the police saying he had seen his friend’s flash go off and then his friend screamed. He called his friend but never got an answer and got scared that he’d fallen so went to the police. A few hours later they found the man in the cave dead and the single picture found in his camera is this one

The photo looks real. It looks scary. It even has precisely the blown-out, harried quality that fits what it was always spun as – the last known photo of a man who went missing in a cave, usually said to be in the UAE.

Theories ranged from an alien, to a chupacabra, even to a decomposing body in a ravine (since when we die we become goblins, I guess).

But in reality, the source was quickly uncovered – the cave monster is really…

a statue in an English tourist trap.

Interestingly, it was debunked by the Fortean Times years before it became a hit online.

The creature is a fiberglass model in Crystal Quest, an attraction at Cheddar Grove. For proof, goblin-selfies flourished:

The spread of the story “irritated” tourism officials, though it’s since faded, though occasionally it gets repeated by…hollow Earth newsletters? Okay. Crystal Quest itself is gone, replaced by a new attraction called Dreamhunters.

Which means it’s loose now.

And it’s behind you.

The Alternate Earth Research Center

And here’s a little site I can’t believe is still online.

The Alternate Earths Research Center is a classic work of early web metafiction, presenting itself as the homepage of a group of interdimensional travelers. Supposedly, the AERC dates back to the 50s, founded by one Yeardley Dekader, who perhaps was not of our Earth. There’s technobabble about the IRTV, the vehicle used to traverse the multiverse, and the AERC’s cataloging system, which ranges from “A -drastically altered” (dinosaurs never went extinct) to the inconsequential D- and F- (the USFL merged with the NFL, New York remained New Amsterdam), and witty asides about a traveler who found six different reports of her own disappearance, and a universe where eggs are known as “pre-chickens”.

Alas, the actual fictional documents at the core of the AERC, the reports on the alternate Earths themselves, are paltry, with just three entries, all supported by gloriously rough early Photoshop. Real Tourist-Guy levels of sophistication here. One details a timeline where Lincoln survived; the travelers squee out over his autobiography, only to find that not much else changed after his term. Another goes deep on the USFL-NFL merger, with faked newspaper box scores and lore about how they merged.

The star of the AERC is the final timeline, one where reptiles – maybe aliens, maybe the descendants of dinosaurs – rule the Earth. The terrible scene is rendered with magnificent skill:

The Alternate Earths Research Center wisely doesn’t take itself terribly seriously, and doesn’t try to be anything more than an excuse for photoshopped lizardmen and puns about Lucky Charms. It’s the kind of weirdo project that proliferated in the era of the personal web (it dates back to at least 2003); I could imagine something more expansive, maybe a SCP-like collaborative project, today, but nothing this personal – except maybe in a timeline where the NBA collapsed or joined the ABA or something.

Sci-Fi Keeps Happening

In 2015, I dove into how a Sci-Fi Channel ad campaign created a video that, stripped of all context, continues to propagate in UFO and 9/11 truther circles to this day.

When discussing it, I lamented how the other ads in the campaign have gone down the memory hole, lost to the internet…

…until sometime last year, when they were uploaded to Youtube. While the “magnet” promo remains lost, two of the lesser known SciFi Happens promos are now preserved.

UPDATE: The magnet promo is not lost after all – it was uploaded to Vimeo by the campaign’s creator three years ago.

Living on the Fringe: Space Elves and the Origin of Otherkin

Beyond the normal reaches of our society lies an endless array of others: some living, some dead; some known, some obscure. This is about the fringe of the fringe.

Otherkin were perhaps once best known as “those people online who think they’re dragons”; now they’re best known as “those people on Tumblr who think they’re anime characters”; but in truth, the origins and history of Otherkin date back much further than most might expect.

A quick definition of terms. Otherkin, or “kin”, are a subculture that identify as nonhuman. This is commonly a spiritual, “I was this in my past life”, identification, but some Otherkin believe their identity is psychological in nature. Otherkin traditionally identify with fictional creatures, such as elves, dragons or fae. A closely related concept is therianthropy; therians instead identify with animals that, whether currently living or extinct, exist. A relatively new addition to the nomenclature are “fictionkin”¹, who identify with fictional characters; unlike Otherkin or therians, many fictionkin identify with beings that, while fictional, are generally human.

Otherkin and therians claim to experience their identity in different ways: via memories, and via “shifts” – commonly mental shifts in behavior, sensory shifts in perception, or “phantom shifts”, where they feel their identity reassert its body via phantom, ie mental, limbs. It is important to note that Otherkin and therians do not claim to physically change, and so-called “p-shifters” are usually a laughingstock in the kin community.

Though today it’s seen as a youth subculture, Otherkin trace their origin to the burgeoning pagan & new age movements of the 1970s. An invaluable timeline by Orion Scribner places the first group that we would today call “Otherkin” in at least 1975, when a group called the Elf Queen’s Daughters placed their first public ad in a pagan quarterly. The term itself dates to 1990, invented as a catch-all for the many non-elven identities Otherkin now possessed; therianthropy found a name and a home on Usenet circa 1994.

But all that can wait. Today, we’re zeroing in one specific facet of the Otherkin community: a elfkin subculture with an involved mythology that flourished briefly, but brightly.

The Elenari started on now-lost mailing lists in the late 90s; in 2000, a newly-created site called the Elenari Nexus became the community’s home.

Continue reading

Debunking Paranormal Videos (That Were Just Viral Ads)

Welcome back. I sure didn’t update much in 2018, except to celebrate the ongoing death of the InfoWars empire.

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in Austin… near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read…

And on the pedestal these words appear:
‘My name is Alex Jones, buy my brain supplements;
Before Obama turns frogs gay!’
Nothing beside remains.

Solemnly presses F.

But we’re snared in an ongoing conspiracy hell, and so the Space Lizard Report must rise with…a post about viral ads people think are evidence of the paranormal.

“It’s a viral ad” is the most tired of suggestions tossed out whenever a paranormal event is recorded, no matter how unlikely (I have fond memories of people accusing Cartoon Network of planting the Montauk Monster corpse). But sometimes it’s true: something created as part of a guerilla ad campaign loses its context, loses its last-second website link or show tease, and is believed by many thousands, even millions of people as evidence of the supernatural. Here are some examples.

WTC UFO

Most popular upload: 449K views; millions across multiple uploads; appeared on Japanese TV show

Real Origin: Sci-Fi Channel ad campaign

Here’s one I covered before. A series of fake ads for the Sci-Fi Channel, Sci-Fi Happens seemed destined to be forgotten…until this one ad from 2000 gained new and horrible significance. Half-remembered viewings fed into the myth, even transforming into a sighting “the day before” the attacks instead of an ad from a full year earlier. It was easy to forget it was an ad; it was easy to assume it had been on Sightings or some other paranormal show, or even on the nascent paranormal internet.

Of course, now that we have the video there’s no excuse.

This Man

Spread as: Internet meme, myth, odd and unexplained cameos in the revived X-Files

Real origin: An ad agency doing…something?

This Man was a creepy myth about a man who appeared in the dreams of man all over the world. What was he? What was he doing? What was his sinister plan?

To be an…art project? Failed film pitch? Who…knows? Crafted by an ad agency. Sure.

“Alien Attacks Police Officer”

Spread As: 660K+ views across popular uploads

Real Origin: Viral ad for The 4400

Oh, The 4400. A good mid-00s sci-fi show on USA, The 4400 focused on 4,400 missing people who returned in a ball of light after years, even decades away. Soon, they discover that many of the 4,400 possess supernatural abilities; and all are back for a reason…

Sadly, The 4400 is a good display of what could be termed the Anti-Lost: that is, the opposite of Lost. The 4400 is that rare show that explained too much: by the end of the six-episode first season, we’ve been told the entire story behind the abductions. The 4400 never became a bad show, except during a stretch where it made a character’s baby grow up in seconds & become an all-powerful demi-god, which, what even, but it never reached the heights of a Lost or even early Heroes.

And so, by the time of The 4400‘s final season, only 8,000 people watched a video called “Promicin Freak Kills Cop”.

…and so it was easy-pickings for someone to strip off the The 4400 promos at the start and end, and turn it into a dubious paranormal video stalwart for years to come.

Source for debunking: IsaacKoi

John Titor, Time Traveler

Spread as: internet meme; urban legend

Real Origin: Ad for a book

Another one I’ve covered previously, the news that John Titor had long been solved – as an ad for a shitty book that no one read – was a tremendous disappointment. Now, let us move on.

English Sewer Alien

Spread as: 1 Million+ views over multiple uploads

Real Origin: April Fool’s Day prank by a utility company

Multiple videos uploaded by United Utilities show an unnerving creature hiding in England’s sewers; they’ve become a mainstay of creepy video compilations ever since.

Of course, they brush past a few facts: the video’s April 1st upload date, or that its creators openly said it was a prank meant to make people think about the real issue of flushing waste down the drain. Oh well.

Teleporting Girl In China

Spread as: 11 million views on most popular upload

Real Origin: ad for a MMO

Another mainstay of bullshit video compilations, here we see it uploaded with an ostentatious Guy Fawkes Mask intro.

The invaluable IsaacKoi also provides the source for this one: after apparently debating if angels exist for several pages, AboveTopSecret noticed a game company’s logo subtly inserted into the video. Then they discovered that the video was straight-up linked on the game’s website. Whoops.

 

Old Man Yells At Streetlight

The SJW Illuminati New World Order NPC Soy Boy Triple-Bracket Bugman Antifa Supersoldier Normie Virtue Signaler Soros-funded Cultural Marxist Cuck plot to forever plunge western civilization – that totally unified society that’s always shared values and heritage, even when at war with each other for 90% of human history – into degeneracy and an age of ceaseless hypersensitivity has unveiled its latest plan, and the only person brave enough to speak out against hypersensitivity is some dweebus screaming at a traffic light because it hurt his feelings.

Look at this disgraced ghost hunter. Look at this man fired for a racial slur after a heated minor league darts game. My god, my guy.

Meet Mark Collett. He didn’t make today’s video, but he did share it, and he looks like a failed magician desperately pushing card tricks during his night shift at Kinko’s, so.

Mark Collett starred in the infamous documentary Young, Nazi and Proud; he displayed vile, undisguised racism, which of course had no place in the British National Party. The BNP punished him for his naked bigotry by making him head of publicity, and only sacking him when he threatened the party’s leader, Nick Griffin, who looks like he has a side gig as a mayor in a monster movie trying to keep the beaches open.

Now, Collett is known as a podcast host and author of unreadable books about how people who don’t look like him having children is tantamount to the Holocaust. And now, he’s an ardent supporter of people who scream at street lights for no apparent reason:

 

An anonymous bearded Nazi with the bizarre and existentially frustrating handle “Onlinemagazin” is standing on a street corner, loudly waiting for the “green man”. The little green man in the box who helps him navigate his way home so he can spend another night trying desperately to free the little men from his television. “Who trapped you in this box?” he screams, shaking the TV. “Was it the transes? Who did this to you!?”

But our intrepid protagonist is disappointed: for there is not a green man, but a green gender symbol telling him to walk. “There you fuckin’ go!” He screams, as the light turns red again. Perhaps you should focus less on the symbol and more on the color, Mr. Onlinemagazin.

He conjures a conspiracy from a street light: to the confusion of those around him – Londoners trying to get on with their lives – he screams about how you can have a “red man” because it’s negative, but the walk symbol must be a lesbian/trans/gay/genderfluid arcane rune, designed to brainwash all of the UK into hating all men.

Of course, this is nonsense. These alternate stoplights are an temporary addition for Pride, and Piers Morgan has done more to make Britain hate men than any stop light ever could.

And so Monsieur Onlinemagazin, and his Nazi-documentary-boy supporters, walk off into the night, ranting to the air about street lights, boldly ignoring them in their righteous outrage and wandering straight into an open manhole. Hey – at least the sewers of London are more pleasant than spending time around the alt-right.

Distant Encounters: the Delightful Stupidity of Skinwalker Ranch’s Bulletproof Wolf

Nessie, Area 51, Roswell: names like this define UFO and paranormal lore. This is not a series about them. In Distant Encounters, we tour the strangest, most isolated tales of encounters with the unknown.

Skinwalker Ranch is a fascinating little footnote in UFO lore. A ranch near Ballard, Utah, it gained fame in the mid-90s when a series of stories by journalist George Knapp in the Deseret News documented strange events witnessed by its new owners, the Shermans. The Shermans reported seeing:

…three specific types of UFOs repeatedly during the past 15 months – a small boxlike craft with a white light, a 40-foot-long object and a huge ship the size of several football fields.

But Skinwalker Ranch truly enters UFO lore when the National Institute for Discovery Science, a paranormal research organization founded by businessman Robert Bigelow, acquired it in 1996. The NIDSci folded in 2004 after discovering precisely jack shit.

Yet a faithful remains, and today’s story concerns one of the many entities detailed on the Skinwalker Ranch’s delightfully Web 1.0 website. Despite being maybe the most-researched UFO hotspot in the world, photos of the Ranch’s alien entities – which include sentient mist and alien portals – mostly document just one unearthly being.

The Bulletproof Wolf.

This “dire wolf” like creature has long dirty mangy grey/black hair.  Has a proud, intimidating, and intense like presence.

Intense like presence. It’s clearly proud, clearly intimidating, but merely intense adjacent.

At this time I am unsure if it is hostile or friendly, my impression was neither more majestic and to be feared in nature.

I wasn’t sure if the wolf was hostile, so I shot at it as much as I possibly could.

Large sturdy body structure.  Has an unusually long and bushy tail.

A scary wolf with the fluffiest tail in the world!

Has a penetrating stare, but is unable/unwilling to communicate verbally or psychically.   

This wolf must be an alien: it’s incapable of the speech and telepathy normal wolves are famed for.

Said to show up about %15 of the time, the bulletproof wolf is oddly the subject of nearly all entity photographs.

Look at this goddamn monstrosity, um, walking. Away from us. What is this dastardly alien direwolf planning?

How could there possibly be a reddish-furred, bushy-tailed, wolf-like animal in the Southwestern United States? If such a thing existed, science would know about it.

NOPE, it’s a composite witness sketch of the Beast of Bray Road – a werewolf myth from Wisconsin. Here it is on the site of Beast of Bray Road researcher Linda Godfrey.

…yes, I recognized it off the top of my head.

If you enjoy swiping from better-known legends, you’ll enjoy the Skinwalker Ranch’s Youtube channel, which includes videos on the Paulding Lights and New Jersey’s ghost car.

Chupacabra’s my favorite small ungulate.

That’s not a bulletproof wolf. It’s a testament to your inexplicable inability to either identify or shoot coyotes.

If you’re curious as to the site’s records of other, less wolf-adjacent entities, here’s a photo of one of its famed alien portals opening.

And that tells you everything you need to know about Skinwalker Ranch.

In Which Flat Earthers Prove Too Stupid For Even Reddit

A semi-serious resurgence of flat eartherism is going on all around us, a veritable golden age of theories debunked in the Bronze Age. And it’s now spread to Reddit.

One user, whose submissions are otherwise full of r/conspiracy’s typical anti-Semitism and Pizzagate ravings, also spreads the Flat Earth Gospel to a mostly hostile audience.

The Earth somehow looks different in different photos taken across a period of forty years. This is of course a sign of a conspiracy, since camera technology’s famously hasn’t changed since 1975. The only other explanation is that these photos represent a wide array of photos, taken by different cameras, with different weather on earth, at different angles and distances, and with some being acknowledged composite images, but who would believe that?

His big sticking point seems to be the size of North America: his perpetual refrain in response to criticism is that “US too big!!!”. After all, sizes are absolutely constant from all angles and distances.

They also link to a website about the “NASA Occult conspiracy”:

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to read this site, on account of now being blind because my god that color scheme

The user’s other posts have delightful titles like “NASA gets pwned from a camera bought at Walmart with video showing FAKE PLANETS and fake stars”, “If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line then WHY is there NO FLIGHTS over South Atlantic Ocean?” (with every comment pointing out many, many non-stop flights from South Africa to Brazil or Australia), and “The “Northern Lights” are proof we live under a dome/firmament”.

Could I actually try to debunk these theories? Yes. Should I? Fuck no. Life’s too short to spend time arguing with people who sincerely believe the Earth is flat, and for once the denizens of r/conspiracy agree.