Who suppresses humanity’s psychic abilities? Bill Nye, the President of Science, apparently.
The SJW Illuminati New World Order NPC Soy Boy Triple-Bracket Bugman Antifa Supersoldier Normie Virtue Signaler Soros-funded Cultural Marxist Cuck plot to forever plunge western civilization – that totally unified society that’s always shared values and heritage, even when at war with each other for 90% of human history – into degeneracy and an age of ceaseless hypersensitivity has unveiled its latest plan, and the only person brave enough to speak out against hypersensitivity is some dweebus screaming at a traffic light because it hurt his feelings.
Meet Mark Collett. He didn’t make today’s video, but he did share it, and he looks like a failed magician desperately pushing card tricks during his night shift at Kinko’s, so.
Mark Collett starred in the infamous documentary Young, Nazi and Proud; he displayed vile, undisguised racism, which of course had no place in the British National Party. The BNP punished him for his naked bigotry by making him head of publicity, and only sacking him when he threatened the party’s leader, Nick Griffin, who looks like he has a side gig as a mayor in a monster movie trying to keep the beaches open.
Now, Collett is known as a podcast host and author of unreadable books about how people who don’t look like him having children is tantamount to the Holocaust. And now, he’s an ardent supporter of people who scream at street lights for no apparent reason:
UK traffic lights now use gender neutral symbols instead of a green man! More liberal nonsense.pic.twitter.com/XWPsCF4ZYc
— Mark Collett (@MarkACollett) October 17, 2018
An anonymous bearded Nazi with the bizarre and existentially frustrating handle “Onlinemagazin” is standing on a street corner, loudly waiting for the “green man”. The little green man in the box who helps him navigate his way home so he can spend another night trying desperately to free the little men from his television. “Who trapped you in this box?” he screams, shaking the TV. “Was it the transes? Who did this to you!?”
But our intrepid protagonist is disappointed: for there is not a green man, but a green gender symbol telling him to walk. “There you fuckin’ go!” He screams, as the light turns red again. Perhaps you should focus less on the symbol and more on the color, Mr. Onlinemagazin.
He conjures a conspiracy from a street light: to the confusion of those around him – Londoners trying to get on with their lives – he screams about how you can have a “red man” because it’s negative, but the walk symbol must be a lesbian/trans/gay/genderfluid arcane rune, designed to brainwash all of the UK into hating all men.
Of course, this is nonsense. These alternate stoplights are an temporary addition for Pride, and Piers Morgan has done more to make Britain hate men than any stop light ever could.
And so Monsieur Onlinemagazin, and his Nazi-documentary-boy supporters, walk off into the night, ranting to the air about street lights, boldly ignoring them in their righteous outrage and wandering straight into an open manhole. Hey – at least the sewers of London are more pleasant than spending time around the alt-right.
Nessie, Area 51, Roswell: names like this define UFO and paranormal lore. This is not a series about them. In Distant Encounters, we tour the strangest, most isolated tales of encounters with the unknown.
Skinwalker Ranch is a fascinating little footnote in UFO lore. A ranch near Ballard, Utah, it gained fame in the mid-90s when a series of stories by journalist George Knapp in the Deseret News documented strange events witnessed by its new owners, the Shermans. The Shermans reported seeing:
…three specific types of UFOs repeatedly during the past 15 months – a small boxlike craft with a white light, a 40-foot-long object and a huge ship the size of several football fields.
But Skinwalker Ranch truly enters UFO lore when the National Institute for Discovery Science, a paranormal research organization founded by businessman Robert Bigelow, acquired it in 1996. The NIDSci folded in 2004 after discovering precisely jack shit.
Yet a faithful remains, and today’s story concerns one of the many entities detailed on the Skinwalker Ranch’s delightfully Web 1.0 website. Despite being maybe the most-researched UFO hotspot in the world, photos of the Ranch’s alien entities – which include sentient mist and alien portals – mostly document just one unearthly being.
The Bulletproof Wolf.
This “dire wolf” like creature has long dirty mangy grey/black hair. Has a proud, intimidating, and intense like presence.
Intense like presence. It’s clearly proud, clearly intimidating, but merely intense adjacent.
At this time I am unsure if it is hostile or friendly, my impression was neither more majestic and to be feared in nature.
I wasn’t sure if the wolf was hostile, so I shot at it as much as I possibly could.
Large sturdy body structure. Has an unusually long and bushy tail.
A scary wolf with the fluffiest tail in the world!
Has a penetrating stare, but is unable/unwilling to communicate verbally or psychically.
This wolf must be an alien: it’s incapable of the speech and telepathy normal wolves are famed for.
Said to show up about %15 of the time, the bulletproof wolf is oddly the subject of nearly all entity photographs.
Look at this goddamn monstrosity, um, walking. Away from us. What is this dastardly alien direwolf planning?
How could there possibly be a reddish-furred, bushy-tailed, wolf-like animal in the Southwestern United States? If such a thing existed, science would know about it.
NOPE, it’s a composite witness sketch of the Beast of Bray Road – a werewolf myth from Wisconsin. Here it is on the site of Beast of Bray Road researcher Linda Godfrey.
…yes, I recognized it off the top of my head.
If you enjoy swiping from better-known legends, you’ll enjoy the Skinwalker Ranch’s Youtube channel, which includes videos on the Paulding Lights and New Jersey’s ghost car.
Chupacabra’s my favorite small ungulate.
That’s not a bulletproof wolf. It’s a testament to your inexplicable inability to either identify or shoot coyotes.
If you’re curious as to the site’s records of other, less wolf-adjacent entities, here’s a photo of one of its famed alien portals opening.
And that tells you everything you need to know about Skinwalker Ranch.
A thread about Lindsey Lohan’s reaction to Harvey Weinstein produces this utter gem:
The joy of this is how it doesn’t really evolve, but just jumps right in. Seeing someone going in a mundane-bullshit brainwashing direction, one man stood up and said, “nope, she is a clone, and guess what! So is Eminem!” No one even mentioned Eminem!
It seems the denizens of r/conspiracy despise Eminem for his recent anti-Trump rap – and some believe he didn’t even rap it at all, and that much like Steve Guttenberg, a vast conspiracy has replaced Eminem with…a clone. Because cloning works very rapidly, and would replicate non-genetic factors like someone’s performance style and ability. This Redditor’s knowledge of cloning would make a Raëlian look good.
And how does he know Eminem was replaced by a clone?
*chef fingers* Marrrrrrrvelous.
Nessie, Area 51, Roswell: names like this define UFO and paranormal lore. This is not a series about them. In Distant Encounters, we tour the strangest, most isolated tales of encounters with the unknown.
Joe Simonton wanted nothing more than to eat a late breakfast one day in April 1961. Instead he found himself the focus of one of UFO history’s weirdest footnotes.
Hearing a strange sound at his farmhouse in Eagle River, Wi., the chicken farmer investigated and discovered an alien craft: discovered as “silvery”, with a shape akin to “two washbowls turned face to face”. It made noise like “knobby tires on wet pavement”. And as Simonton approached the craft from another world, a hatch began to open. And out stepped three…Italians.
To be specific, Simonton described them as five foot tall men with dark hair and skin; only a few sources include him summing them up as space Italians, or at least Italian-adjacent aliens, bearing a silver jug with two handles.
The evolution of what people imagine aliens to look like is a study in anthropomorphism. In the 1950s, the traditional depiction of aliens was as “Nordics”: literally, blonde-haired white people from space. The somewhat less human-looking Grey or Zeta Reticulan hails from the Betty and Barney Hill abduction (by way of a half-remembered episode of The Outer Limits) a few months after Simonton’s sighting – they’d become more common as the Hill case became popular in the mid-60s, and essentially codified as what aliens look like by Whitley Strieber’s Communion. In between we find so much that’s compellingly, bizarrely alien and strange. Greys are still incredibly, unbelievably human in shape, but at least they aren’t Italian dwarves bearing jugs.
According to Simonton, the aliens motioned to him that they needed water. After dutifully filling their jug, Simonton returned – and was granted the gift that made his UFO encounter (in)famous.
On a flameless stove, one of the aliens cooked strange, disc-shaped food. A curious Simonton reached out for them, and was given four. He left the ship with this bounty in hand, and watched as the alien craft vanished as mysteriously as it appeared.
Simonton’s story was bizarre, but he had something no other UFO contactee had: physical proof, in the form of four space pancakes. Wait, three: Simonton ate one. It tasted like cardboard. Analysis of the space pancakes proved that they were made from typical Earthly ingredients, bar an unexplained lack of salt. Simonton faded back into obscurity soon after his encounter, saying that if he ever encountered aliens again, he’d keep quiet.
Simonton’s encounter with aliens is remarkable for how casual it seems. People make up stories about alien experiments, or of wise extraterrestrials handing down profound messages of peace, or warnings for the future. Joe Simonton, by contrast, spins a tale of aliens cooking breakfast. They don’t visit him to deliver a message, but to enlist his help refilling a jug, as they didn’t have enough water to flamelessly fry up their space pancakes. This story of Italians coming down from the stars to make pancakes is more strange – more human than almost anything in UFO lore.
Time Cube, one of the great weird websites, one of the great oddities of the early-00s, a beloved icon until it turned randomly racist, is no more. The URL has expired. And I remember it here:
And then I commemorate a early-00’s icon in the only fitting way – with some “My Immortal”:
A gem from 2008, a IMDB user known as diehardjl05 believes that:
Steve Guttenberg died 07/08/91 from complications with a blood clot, I remember back then on ET, for the red carpet premiere for Point Break, Lori Petty talking about how sad this was and she was there with Eric La salle pre ER fame, but then it wasn’t mentioned again.
Rudolph “Rudy” Guttenberg, Steve’s older brother, took over as Steve Guttenberg in late 1992/1993. He just took the name and has been his since then.
Incredibly, another user claims to have also seen this red carpet interview and the original poster states that this fact was previously listed on Guttenberg’s Wikipedia page.
In 1995 I was at the Odium Convention Center in Effinghag Georgia for a Blockbuster sponsored movie convention….Steve Guttenberg was sitting there signing autographs…after he signed I asked for a picture with him and he agreed, after the pic I asked him if Ally Sheedy had become all full of herself when they were doing short circuit since she was still riding the fame of breakfast club which came out the previous year. At first he paused then said “Ally Sheedy? No we Sort Circuit came out before Breakfast Club”. I was stunned and didnt know what to say, how did I know his filmography better than he did, breakfast club came out in 1985 the same year as Cocoon, then in 1986 Short Circuit came out…
The Breakfast Club did indeed come out before Short Circuit. He could have meant that he shot Short Circuit before The Breakfast Club’s release. Considering that The Breakfast Club largely took place in one room, and Short Circuit required extensive special effects, it’s not unbelievable that Short Circuit could have been shot before The Breakfast Club but come out later. I cannot confirm this, however, as I can’t find the filming dates for Short Circuit.
Anyways I thought he just messed up but then I said so what do you think about the ghost in 3 men and a baby, was it real. He then looked at me and said “what ghost” I said “ya know the famous ghost behind the curtains scene” he again said he had no idea what I was talking about
Maybe he was just confused about why you were asking him about a cardboard cutout.
….then I said in a joking manner “hey what have you done with the real Steve Guttenberg”. Immediately after I said this he kind of looked down and walked back towards his people and this woman came out of nowhere and said to stop harassing Mr. Guttenberg or she would have me arrested.
“I asked him several irrelevant questions and asked him a bizarre, hostile one when confused. How dare they say I harassed him!”
I thought it was all weird, ever since then I thought there was a cover up of somehting, not to mention he was wearing a hat and sunglasses inside….trying to cover his face I guess. Anyways, there are bits and pieces of this mystery all over the net…I emplore you all to find out the truth.
I feel like “somehting” is wrong with this post. I “emplore” you to find a dictionary.
The thread later spawns this amazing theory from Ixnatifual:
It’s all true, except that it was not his brother who took over Steve’s identity. A magical simulacrum was created from bags of decomposing Corn Flakes in the likeness of Steve Guttenberg, and it is this creature which now parades around as a mockery of the now dead actor from whom it owes its appearance.
And the equally incredible response from Secondarymodern:
Oh man, if someone throws milk at Guttenberg, he’s so screwed.
About as believable as the serious posts!
Steve Guttenberg, widely tolerated star of the silver screen, died on July 8th, 1991. Alas, the Powers that Be knew that America could not stand to lose a superstar like him during such a trying time. He disappeared for a few years, and when he returned he just wasn’t the same. His identical, less talented brother, who did not make a film until after a conspicuous four-year absence, replaced him. To help America. His heralded return in a movie co-starring Kirstie Alley and the Olson Twins just didn’t catch on, for some strange, presumably twin-brother-posing-as-national-hero-Steve-Guttenberg reasons. How else could such wonderful comeback year projects fail? Look at the other films he made in 1995 – Guttenberg’s first films since 1990:
- A Disney-produced soccer film with a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes
- A film about the friendship between a dog and a dolphin
- A role in an ensemble comedy-drama directed by Jodie Foster. Respectable enough, but it received mixed reviews.
MY GOD. Look at that first movie, It Takes Two!
Two unrelated young girls who happen to look identical suddenly meet. Amanda Lemmon (Mary-Kate Olsen) is an orphan, and she is about to be adopted by the Butkises, a family whom she doesn’t like. She actually wants her child-loving social worker, Diane Barrows (Kirstie Alley), to adopt her instead. Diane would like to do so, but authorities will not let her because of her low salary. Alyssa Callaway (Ashley Olsen) is coming home from her boarding school’s piano recital competition, only to find that her wealthy father, Roger (Steve Guttenberg), is about to marry Clarice Kensington (Jane Sibbett) a socialite who threatens to send her soon-to-be stepdaughter to boarding school in Tibet.
The girls switch places and find out that Roger and Diane would fit together perfectly.
Much like Stanley Kubrick’s coded moon landing confessions in The Shining, this is a key to the truth. We’re through the looking glass here, people, and it’s time to grab the white rabbit’s ears and fucking ride down the Yellow Brick Road until you all take the red pill.
Identical siblings? Switching places? Who are the loveable parents in this scenario? Could it be a divided America, healed by the return of the late Steve Guttenberg to the cinema? Time for a documentary unraveling all this symbolism! I’ll call it Room 23-MenAndABaby.
Two years later he starred in a direct-to-video sequel to the eminently forgettable live-action Casper movie made in 1996, and a made-for-TV adaption of a Disney World ride. His fame became a joke on The Simpsons. I can’t think why his career never got back on track! Must be his twin brother posing as him after his untimely death, as announced by a E! red carpet reporter covering the premier of Point Break.
Alas, the only witnesses – living witnesses – to this tragedy are a showbiz reporter, ER’s Eriq La Salle and one IMDB poster, for a powerful conspiracy suppressed the news of Guttenberg’s death before it could reach anyone else. Assuredly, any upload of this announcement suffers an immediate takedown at the hands of the powerful Steve Guttenberg conspiracy.
In 1991, a moderately popular comedian died. And the truth has been covered up ever since.
July 6th, 2007. 4:30 PM. Northern California. A woman uncovers HAARP’s “rainbow aerosols” that create rainbows…near the ground! You didn’t see that sort of thing 20 years ago, she declares in vibrant and readable muddy yellow on muddy red.
“What the heck is in our water supply?” this warrior for truth asks, “What the heck is in our oxygen supply? …What is oozing out of our ground?”” What dastardly scheme is Roy G. Biv up to now!?
“Well all know this didn’t happen 20 years ago,” apparently, “But now it’s happening now.”
“We need to raise our voices, before they take away our rights…in their never-ending thirst for energy sources!”
Huh? What does this have to do with rainbows? In our sprinklers? If you’re hoping for an explanation, there is none: after 2 minutes, the bizarre odyssey of a woman who really, really hates rainbows ends as mysteriously as it began. That mystifying lack of context, awful video quality and inane source of panic mark this as one of the greatest conspiracy theory videos of all time, a true work of art.
The Space Lizard Report is being retooled. There shall be a cool new friend (whom everyone will talk about when he isn’t on-screen) and babies for everyone, and it will soon be multi-camera. LAUGH TRACK
Browsing r/conspiracy is depressing. And you can only call out violent paranoia and bigotry so many times. So while I’ll still mock conspiracy theories, I’ll also make fun of all kinds of weird, paranormal sub-cultures. UFOlogists! Ghost hunters! Crytozoologists! Forteana believers of all kinds! There’s a smorgasbord of oddities out there beyond loathsome Redditors, and it’s time to explore it.
Adopting the persona of Pedro, who’s going to sing a song to the hater contingent, because they “have no creativity whatsoever” and he needs to do it for them. An unexplained second voice accompanies Dave J and “Pedro”. A song for all those weird, wacky ideas that sounds like beat poetry, were the sound good enough to discern anything. Something something moon. The title is “Dave j is so stupid we have to Get pretty HIGH Hoax song” and I don’t doubt he was very, very high when making this. And maybe a bit homophobic.
“You evil men just go look at the light in the sky you call the moon/for me, every day, rockets blast off/And NASA can’t tell me no wrong…”
Watch it below:
Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.
The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.
After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.
Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.
Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)
Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.
1. That you click on it.
You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.
Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!
Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????
2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)
The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.
The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…
Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.
“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”
Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.
3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”
A cop talks.
And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.
Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!
Dave J’s other videos include:
- “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
- “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
- “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
- “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
- “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
- “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”
Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?
Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.