Lamestream Media

Burn in Hell, Heat Street!

We created our own website to talk about how much we hate safe spaces.

Heat Street was not a good website. It was a very bad website, in fact, which you may be able to discern from its motto being “no safe spaces”. A failed experiment in creating a libertarian Huffington Post crafted by Louise Mensch, a former Tory who aimed for Arianna Huffington and instead briefly became a cult figure among the type of Twitter user who unironically follows Al Giordano.

Heat Street tried vainly to appeal to the young, Reddit-y conservatives of today by posting incessantly in favor of Gamergate, and defending noted racist frog meme Pepe (more on that later). But what did it in was, ironically, maybe the only decent thing the site ever did: Mensch’s opposition to Trump, which inspired backlash from such sources as Breitbart. But before you praise a conservative for doing the bare minimum possible to oppose Trump (ah, the McCain), know that Heat Street somehow fucked up attacking Donald Trump, basing their resistance on paranoid conspiracy theories about how Russians infected, not just the election, but every quadrant of society that doesn’t agree with them.

I’m sure this site is into GamerGate for pure motives & not as a vain grab for clicks.

Mensch’s ignominious farewell from the site she founded allowed for the ascent of Heat Street’s other luminary, Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy alive. Ian Miles Cheong used to be well-known as a woke, anti-GamerGate voice on Twitter. All that changed when a review of The Witcher 3 shook his ideals to the core by suggesting a game set in a fantasy world with dragons and magic might be able to accommodate a character who wasn’t white. Overnight, Cheong became a strident voice in favor of GamerGate and the alt-right, ready to defend Pepe’s innocence or retweet literal creationists if they attacked Bill Nye. Cheong was a brave maverick, who feared nothing except ants, seeing slightly less nudity in video games, and also everything.

Pictured: THE SADDEST BOY

Mensch’s era at Heat Street is known for causing the site to be at war with itself: one author would publish an article defending the racist meme frog, Mensch would leap in to counter them. One author would defend some creepy anime, Mensch would replace it with a piece about how it was creepy. This sounds like a bizarre, complicated way of going about the job of editor-in-chief, compared to the typical approach of just saying “hey, don’t publish that bad article you wrote”, but then again, I’m not the head of a failed libertarian off-shoot of Fox News. Luckily, under Cheong the site would flourish as a source that would drag up a few Tweets and use them to passionately defend video game breasts – truly journalism’s highest pursuit.

Heat Street was a directionless site that tried to appeal to the alt-right, and ended up appealing to no one. After alienating everyone, this failure of a site died on Friday, merged into Marketwatch. Mensch now runs her own blog to a dwindling audience, and Cheong’s pursuit of e-fame in an extraordinarily awful demographic looks like a road to nowhere.

Heat Street is in the Hell reserved for media outlets. As it arrived, it looked up into the shining sky, where on the clouds of Media Heaven, the sites we once loved frolic in peace. The Dissolve is up there, and Comics Alliance. You can almost hear the heavenly voice of The Toast regaling them with the tales of Narnia, as written by Ayn Rand, and with jokes about Sufjan Stevens song titles as described by medieval monks. Beneath is Media Purgatory, where Gawker sits under a banner reading “Yeah What Happened Was Fucked Up But So’s Leaking Sex Tapes”. Heat Street is not there. It is in Media Hell, unloved and unwanted, sitting for eternity as Grantland blathers about Boston sports and justifies outing trans people. It shall not be missed.

 

The Feminist Plot to Destroy Ghostbusters, The Biggest Film Trilogy of All Time

The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.

The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.

GhostPost1

And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.

GhostPost2They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!

ghostpost3Women are crassening up stand-up comedy by talking about – *whispers*- s-e-x! Oh my!

ghostpost4A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.

The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.

ghostpost5

This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:

Ghostbusters

It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!

And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:

ghostPost6Awful people who aren’t sure if Pokémon Go is a hit because it’s a plot by Them, or if it’s escapism from Them:

ghostpost7Elsewhere, they blame its high Rotten Tomatoes scores on the site being owned by NBCUniversal, a company that, notably, did not make the new Ghostbusters. Here we see a touch of self-awareness:

 

And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:

alienSo what did we learn today, children?

  1. Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.

Glad we could clear that up!

Top Minds: “No Major Sporting Event Has Been Attacked By Terrorists, Except All Those Ones That Were.”

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:

*SCREAMS FOREVER*

Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!

The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.

And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.

“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”

Except if you like the Raiders.

“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.

The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”

Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.

So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.

Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.

The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.

Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.

…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.

If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-

But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.

EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.

It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.

I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).

Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!

So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.

The World’s First Anti-Propaganda Search Engine Places Users in The Biggest Echo Chamber Ever

Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, runs the website Natural News. It’s exactly what it sounds like. When we last saw him, he was calling all non-conspiracy theorists mentally retarded and compared pro-GMO journalists to Nazis and said people had a “moral right” to kill them. Now he’s created a innovative new search engine, a new idea that disrupts a industry by ensuring that you will never again see new ideas.

“For the last six months, I have been working hard on the development of a breakthrough search engine that will finally offer a credible search alternative to the NSA-funded, surveillance-state search engines currently dominating the web.”

This new search engine will keep you from seeing the propaganda that you will see anywhere but my website. You can trust the Health Ranger, because my site isn’t LITERALLY a NSA-funded scheme to spy on you.

“Next week, I’ll be opening the webmaster URL submit page for the world’s first independent, anti-propaganda search engine that filters out corporate propaganda and government disinformation.”

The first search engine that makes sure you don’t have to see any ideas that you don’t agree with. For too long, the denizens of the internet have had to suffer through seeing people who don’t think the same as them. Well, no more! In the past, you might have avoided ever, ever leaving your personal echo chamber by only going to garbage sites like Natural News for your news. This will automate the process. Never be challenged again!

“Uniquely, this independent search engine either bans or flags (with a warning) all corporate propaganda and government disinfo websites. Just as Google flags search result URLs containing malicious code that can infect your computer, we will flag search result URLs containing malicious propaganda that can infect your mind.”

I wonder what propaganda the brave Health Ranger will keep from infecting our mind? It must be pretty awful

“This means you won’t find the CDC’s vaccine propaganda dominating search results, for example.”

It’s the CDC. The CD-fuckin’-C. Their “vaccine propaganda”, otherwise known as “science”, will stop dominating search results. They’re given undue weight, just because they’re “accurate”. This is LITERALLY oppression.

“Instead, you’ll find a universe of independent websites that have been suppressed, censored or outright banned by Google.”

A universe of websites not found easily on Google, just because they might start ranking sites by accuracy and Natural News would be somewhere on page 9,975,256 in any search.

“Google’s search results are now determined by each page’s so-called “factiness” — a new algorithm that punishes all content which disagrees with official sources such as the criminally operated CDC, the pharma-controlled science journals, and biotech-infiltrated universities.”

They rank pages based on “factiness”, a horrible algorithm that punishes content just because it disagrees with sources that “know what they’re talking about”.

“This shift effectively makes Google a real-life Ministry of Truth that censors the truth and promotes corporate propaganda (and government disinfo), all while spying on you to boot.”

In my first post on the Health Ranger, I proposed Space Lizard’s Law: if you live in a country where you can freely compare the government to 1984, then you aren’t living in 1984.

Google is just like the Ministry of Truth. It censors the truth – except it doesn’t do anything to stop competing search engines from existing. It doesn’t torture you if you use Bing, since (insult Bing joke here). Its “propaganda” is judging, objectively, whether facts are true. Google has zero power to force you to use Google, so of course it’s like the propaganda arm of a dystopian dictatorship.

“Think about it: Google heavily promotes Wikipedia, a discredited disinfo and defamation website largely edited by corporate-funded trolls hiding behind anonymity. Even though Wikipedia was co-founded by a “porn king” and carried child porn imagery on its site, Google gives it high rankings while punishing the independent media websites that actually publish the truth.”

One of my favorite things about Wikipedia is Googling (oh no, the Ministry of Truth is going to get me for making their trademark generic!!!) some alternative medicine topic and the first result being a Wikipedia article that outright calls it pseudoscience. I won’t get into the bizarre attack on Jimmy Wales. He’s apparently unreliable because he ran a porn site and covered it up – except it’s mentioned on his Wikipedia page and has its own extensive page. That’s like shredding documents in a copier.

Remember, though: you can’t find the truth out there. You can only find the truth in here. Only I, the Health Ranger, speak the truth. Trust me. TRUST ME AND ME ALONE. I’m sure there were similar speeches given in Jonestown.
“Google also strongly favors mainstream media news sources — precisely the news outlets that spew the most blatant disinformation about everything that matters: Central Banks, government debt, politics, economics, health care, immigration, crime, culture and more.”
Google strongly favors popular, widely read media sources. CONSPIRACY!
“The day is probably not too far off when Google and Facebook ban all independent media websites.”
Strange how your site still pops up when I type in “Natural News”. They’re doing a poor job of suppressing independent websites, then, but I’m sure they’ll just all disappear one day.
“When that day comes, it’s projects like the one I’m launching that will be the last remaining portals to real journalism and independent reporting.”
But everyone will be fine with letting these alternative search engines, run by pseudoscientific health bloggers who constantly tell their followers that they are the only ones telling the truth, proliferate. Just like 1984!


What a magnificent echo chamber this will be! The main problem with social media is, no matter how tightly you construct your personal bubble, dissenting views will occasionally slip through. Now your right to never be disagreed with will be protected. Some people think they have the right to disagree with you just because they’re objectively correct. Well, no longer! Bring on the hive mind!

The Secret Link Between Netanyahu and Ron Paul, Revealed by a Terribly Written, Outrageously Stupid Crank Site

Before the internet, cranks thrived on the margin of society, in mailing lists and zines, conventions and VHS tapes spread around by cults. Their exposure to the mainstream came largely in the form of green ink: deranged letters to newspapers, named for their tendency to be written in vibrant green ink – the written equivalent of Papyrus font.

The internet didn’t kill green ink. Instead, it turned into a rainbow of bizarre news sites, memes and e-mail forwards. You no longer needed to send that list of President Clinton’s victims to a skeptical editor; now, you could cut out the middleman entirely. The fringe prospered as sites with names like “Libertyblitzkrieg” and “AboveTopSecret” hawked conspiracies right to their believers.

One such site is Whatsupic. Honestly, I first thought it was a satire site, but there’s no disclaimer in sight. It’s a conspiracy site whose main preoccupation is Israel. Israel’s bringing us to the brink of WWIII, Israel did 9/11, Israel rules the US, Israel rigged the last two Presidential elections to ensure that Ron Paul didn’t win. Wait, what? (more…)

r/Conspiracy Tries to Figure Out What Color That Blue and Gold Dress Is

Wait, no, they just think it’s a DISTRACTION. From…net neutrality?

Yes, r/conspiracy now thinks there’s a sinister secret buried in the 300 page documents on net neutrality. Because if only they were public, they’d totally read a 300 page long bill by a regulatory agency!

Bob. Bob. Relax a little, Bob. Enjoy life. Go to see a movie sometime, without debating if MK Ultra brainwashed the stars. Bob, ya gotta take it easy sometime and stop seeing sinister plots in everything. Go to the beach, Bob.  Go on a nice vacation. Have some fun with an internet joke and let the paranoia slide for a night. Listen to the new Taylor Swift – yeah, I know, Bob, but she’s reinvented herself, she’s – no, Bob, it wasn’t a government plot to – Bob!

 

One Youtuber Has Figured Out The Dark Secrets Of Sports (That’ve Been Revealed Dozens Of Times)

Conspiracy theorists believe that pop culture is a distraction. From what? From what they believe, of course! If only people focused more on your personal movement and not pop songs, then everyone would agree with you and a true revolution could rise!

This line of thinking is not limited to conspiracy theorists, but to political movements of all stripes. If only the people stopped listening to celebrities, and started listening to you, then we’d just be moments away from a widespread conservative/communist/libertarian revolution!

And foremost among distractions is SPORTS. And a video called “FIXED ENTERTAINMENT Sports is a religion used to keep the stupid sheep asleep” (oh, how I love the deranged stream-of-consciousness names of conspiracy videos!) lays out why.

The following video didn’t gain much traction on r/conspiracy, with just 66% upvoting it. And it lays out the case against sports:

“What’s going on, Youtube?”

You insulting Eagles fans by displaying that image the whole video. Haven’t they suffered enough? I mean, they live in Philadelphia.

“This video is about sports only…”

ZHIB RHAN, BRINGING YOU THE BEST SPORTS TALK ON YOUTUBE! GET READY FOR SOME HOT TAKES

“How disgusted I am with sports…”

I agree, I was pretty disgusted with sports late Sunday afternoon for some reason.

“I also want to talk about Robinson Canó, who just recently signed a very big contract with the Seattle Mariners…”

Zhib Rhan hates Robinson Canó. He stands for all that is wrong with sports, and he’s disgusted that people are fans of this guy (to be sure, I know nothing about him; maybe he is eminently hateable).

But what he really hates are sports fans. Those pathetic louts who just watch millionaires throw a ball around, dreaming of getting the autographs of people they don’t even know.

“You’ll sit in packed baseball stadiums to watch these millionaires who don’t give two shits about you.”

Why are you watching a movie!? Millionaires, paid to pretend to be people? PATHETIC.

Why are you reading Harry Potter!? IT’S NOT EVEN REAL. JK Rowling doesn’t care about you!

You’ll sit in a packed theater watching someone who doesn’t care about you sing? They’re not singing to you! That’s pathetic!

“…hope you can get a jersey that you paid two, three hundred dollars for signed. But yet I’M the crazy one, but some of the same people who do that are the ones who want to point the finger at me that I’m crazy. No, no, YOU’RE CRAZY.”

I’m not crazy. You’re crazy for engaging in an activity that is mainstream! This rant brought to you by 2003-era Livejournal entries and Hot Topic t-shirts.

Perhaps you’re called crazy because your other videos include: “Beware of Satans children masquerading as TI’s, reptilians/greys, phony goddesses all over youtube”, “Paul Walker murdered by the Illuminati fast and furiously”,  “Miley Cyrus is an illuminati controlled sex slave”,  “Winner takes Earth mind controlled morons in black with E.U. inverted triangle”, and “Fake snow that doesn’t melt? lets have a look at a simple experiment”.

“The biggest of the losers are…”

The Chicago Cubs? The Jacksonville Jaguars? English penalty takers?

“…the people who deal with sports talk radio and ESPN.”

Sadly, he isn’t calling out the eminently hateable ESPN. Just the fans who call in with their own dumb hot takes.

“Those MORONS, who only wish they knew how to play sports, who were never good enough, who are only good enough to blab on the radio like they know everything.”

Wait, he’s railing against people who weren’t good enough to play sports? Is this a jock criticizing sports as a DISTRACTION? Normally that seems to be the domain of those picked last in gym class.

“Sports is what keeps people dumbed down in this country, that’s not the only thing, but it’s one of the main tools to dumb you down and keep you asleep…you people are broke, you’re losing your homes, your money’s being devalued, and yet you support these millionaires.”

And there it goes.

Sports keep you from caring about anything else. The people just aren’t as brilliant as Zhib Rhan: they literally can’t pay attention to sports and anything else. They wouldn’t even notice that they were losing their own homes if it wasn’t for Zhib Rhan brilliantly pointing this out to the sheeple with his brilliant brilliance.

The most popular sports league in the United States takes up one day of the week. One day out of seven. Your team only plays sixteen regular season games and up to four playoff games. It takes up a few hours on Sunday and maybe one game a season on Monday or Thursday night to follow your team. Even if you watch every game of a team’s 82-game NHL or NBA season, that’s two or three hours at night – no different from watching TV, or going to a movie, or going out for dinner or any number of entertainment options you have at 8/7 PM.

Do some people care about sports too much? Yes. Does it take up too much of their lives? For a minority, yes. But for the majority of people, sports are not a distraction from caring about other things. It’s just one more thing they care about.

Of all kinds of millionaires, athletes and celebrities are the most harmless. They’re not nearly as rich as businesspeople, and when a movie fails it doesn’t risk collapsing the economy or causing you to lose your house. Many do admirable charity work. In fact, American athletes’ salaries are artificially deflated by salary cap rules. It’s not like they’re racist slum lords or something variously terrible; that’s their employers, whose high paychecks are obviously on the level.

“That’s why you support deadbeats like Robinson Canó, and there’s plenty of other ones…”

Plenty of other ones! He won’t tell you their names, but be aware that they’re out there. But he will tell you that all athletes fuck prostitutes throughout the season.

Zhib Rhan doesn’t watch sports anymore. He used to play them, but he doesn’t waste his time on millionaires who don’t care about him.

“Games kids play in the street for free…these are kids games!”

Every time one of these people goes on a rant about sports, statements like this are dropped like they’re incredible truth bombs, enlightening sports fans to things they never considered before.

Zhib Rhan also believes that sports are fixed. He made a more in-depth video on this theory, but it’s ten fucking minutes long so I will never get to hear it.

“Sports has to be fixed, for these guys to make the kind of money they make…you have to pay people this kind of money to shut them up.”

What?

ALL SPORTS ARE FIXED, according to him. One wonders why the NBA fixed it so that the Knicks, one of their most high-profile teams, would go over three decades without a championship whilst awarding multiple championships on the relatively unpopular San Antonio Spurs and Detroit Pistons. Or why the NHL would ensure that hockey-mad Canada goes 20 years without a championship.

“That’s why when children play you don’t have a umpire or referee, but when there’s big money involved there’s referees and umpires.”

Is this a Sacramento fan still angry about the 2002 Western Conference Finals? Referees only exist to fake games…but I thought the players were in on it and needed to be shut up? Now it’s just the referees and umpires fixing it?

And God, imagine being picked to play referee as a child.

“It’s a billion dollar business…”

Sports? Are business? They make? Money? Thank you for enlightening my simple brain with this devastating secret.

“For most people in America, sports is their religion!”

Sports isn’t a belief system of any kind, nor is it a way of seeing or making sense of the world. But people obsess over it so it’s a religion, goddamnit!

“You people are insane. Supporting these millionaires that don’t give a damn about you…”

But enough about the Republican Party!

Let’s look at the Reddit comments.

fslaves

Don’t let yourself sit idly while others manipulate your emotions! Don’t watch movies, or TV shows, or listen to music, or play video games! Don’t ever engage in any form of popular culture to keep your emotions PURE from MANIPULATION.

There’s a lot more to it than grown men scowling at foolish boy games – there’s the whole history of amateurism vs professionalism that led to the Olympics amateurism and the split between rugby codes, which was marked by class. But it certainty wasn’t a plot by “the powers that be”.

chicago

4to6 is the new account of 4to4, one of the Reddit’s more prominent white supremacists.

And the poster talks about the Bartman incident, which ruined the World Series…

…he did not catch the ball during the World Series. The Cubs have not been in the World Series in half a century. How can you know this? Because they’re the Cubs.

Again, we learn that caring a lot about something means it’s a religion to you.

GreenBay

“Don’t say your team! It’s not your team! You are BRAINWASHED.”

“Actually I like a team that’s owned by its fans, so it is my team.”

“You’re pretending! You learned that here, fan of the team you just described!”

entertainment

Finally: all of culture is a CIA plot. Because of course it is to these TOP MINDS.

Previously: The sinister truth behind the Vancouver Canucks; the Illuminati/Freemason ties of the Brewers and Cubs.

Top Minds React to Ferguson

The r/conspiracy crowd has never much cared about the events in Ferguson. Even though they fear police brutality and control, and the images from the city are pulled straight from their Orwellian nightmares, they’ve just never been able to sympathize with the people of Ferguson for some reason.

Now that the result is in, how do they react? The Top Minds must be furious. They’ll look at police intimidating protesters and think, “Man, this is what we feared! If only the Sheeple listened!” Why, they’ve posted the infamous photo of heavily armed police standing under a SEASONS GREETINGS banner – an image that would be cut from a dystopian sci-fi film as too obvious – so let’s click and take in their anger. Oh, you know they’re going to drag out the 1984 comparisons here. They…

There is no conspiracy here…There was a returned opinion from a grand jury followed by security measures.

…will support the government’s judgment completely.

Oh my God, the city is burning down and looting and violence are rampant and there are POLICE there?! CONSPIRACY!!

I’ve seen no one expressing any sympathy with the people of Ferguson. Just a legion of conspiracy theorists – conspiracy theorists! – supporting the police and government. Elsewhere, they laugh over how a livestreamer “trying to make the residents of Ferguson look victimized for doing no wrong” had his phone stolen.

I can’t tell you how bizarre this. TOP MINDS are defined by not believing “the official story”. If the government announced tomorrow that JFK was killed by Cubans, they’d start saying it was obviously Oswald acting alone. And here they’re telling everyone to accept the government’s choice and support them completely. This is the least self-aware thing I’ve ever seen.

I think the elite won. Everyone will be talking ferguson over thanksgiving, not our wars, not our bankers, not our rampant spending, not our drug war, or homeless population. Just Ferguson and racial violence.

Some people believe Ferguson is a distraction, or an entirely invented event meant to “keep racism alive” (“I do business with Black people from all over & have no racism issues coming from their direction & they don’t get any from me either in this day & age”). There’s even a Wheel of Media Distraction:

w92AAAZ

When conspiracy theorists claim a news story is a “distraction”, they rarely say what it’s a distraction from. But this one does: all of news is a distraction from the War in Afghanistan, apparently, and no one actually cares about LGBT rights. It’s just a red herring no one’s against!

Are you fucking stupid? This place is out of control. Looting, burning of buildings, police, EMT and fire fighters being shot at. I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I take that back. This is the most self-aware thing I’ve ever seen.

The Assassination of Coherence By The Weirdo David J

Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.

The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.

After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.

Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.

Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)

Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.

1. That you click on it.

You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.

Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!

Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????

2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)

The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.

The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…

Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.

“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”

Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.

3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”

A cop talks.

And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!

Dave J’s other videos include:

  • “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
  • “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
  • “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
  • “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
  • “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
  • “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”

Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?

Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.

WHERE DO TOP MINDS GET THEIR NEWS?

Kay: We’re gonna check the hot sheets.

Jay: THESE are the hot sheets?

Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

newsCongratulations, r/WorldNews. You are IRRELEVANT for…citing news sources usually regarded as reliable!

So let’s see what journalistic sources r/conspiracy relies on for THE TRUTH.

The most cited news source in the week’s top 25 submissions (excluding text posts, which were all rants about r/WorldNews anyway) are:

IMGUR. Nine submissions, including:

  • Two Imgur albums of images where arrows are pointed at random things in images of the Boston bombing, somehow proving it’s a conspiracy. One of these albums is thirty-seven images long.
  • Uncited quotes from famous people.
  • Two images of the Gaza bombing that killed those four teenagers. You “won’t see this on MSM news”, the title promises. I first heard about this story when it was discussed on MSNBC IT WAS FIRST REPORTED BY NBC. Notably, there are many news stories on this event one could link to instead of contextless images – but citing real news wouldn’t help you PROVE that the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is keeping it all secret.
  • A uncited political cartoon
  • And the week’s top submission, a quote from Joe Rogan. The favorite of TOP MINDS everywhere!

REAL NEWS. Seven submissions, including:

  • A Chicago Sun-Times story about a poll.
  • A Rolling Stone article on price-fixing that opens by apologizing to conspiracy theorists
  • Business Insider
  • Two Huffington Post articles, including one quoting noted political expert Eddie Vedder.
  • Raw Story
  • Politico

ACTIVIST SITES. Two submissions from Avaaz.org and Storyofstuff.org.

TWO WEBSITES FOR VETERANS.

The lead image on one of those veteran's sites.

The lead image on one of those veteran’s sites.

AND THOSE RANDOM WEBSITES YOU SEE NOWHERE ELSE BUT R/CONSPIRACY

“Liberty Blitzkrieg”.

From Liberty Blitzkrieg.

From Liberty Blitzkrieg.

“Truth Code”.

Truth Code

Truth Code

“The Free Thought Project”.

GMO

“Police State USA” (which seems to report on police brutality, mainly)

cropped-PSUSA_Header

AND FINALLY, the latest Weird Al video.

What have we learned today?

The Guardian and BBC are unreliable, but you can always trust LIBERTY BLITZKREIG; screencap news stories you see to share on Imgur instead of linking, so that you can claim no one in the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is covering the story; even conspiracy theorists like Weird Al.