The Secret Link Between Netanyahu and Ron Paul, Revealed by a Terribly Written, Outrageously Stupid Crank Site

Before the internet, cranks thrived on the margin of society, in mailing lists and zines, conventions and VHS tapes spread around by cults. Their exposure to the mainstream came largely in the form of green ink: deranged letters to newspapers, named for their tendency to be written in vibrant green ink – the written equivalent of Papyrus font.

The internet didn’t kill green ink. Instead, it turned into a rainbow of bizarre news sites, memes and e-mail forwards. You no longer needed to send that list of President Clinton’s victims to a skeptical editor; now, you could cut out the middleman entirely. The fringe prospered as sites with names like “Libertyblitzkrieg” and “AboveTopSecret” hawked conspiracies right to their believers.

One such site is Whatsupic. Honestly, I first thought it was a satire site, but there’s no disclaimer in sight. It’s a conspiracy site whose main preoccupation is Israel. Israel’s bringing us to the brink of WWIII, Israel did 9/11, Israel rules the US, Israel rigged the last two Presidential elections to ensure that Ron Paul didn’t win. Wait, what? Continue reading

r/Conspiracy Tries to Figure Out What Color That Blue and Gold Dress Is

Wait, no, they just think it’s a DISTRACTION. From…net neutrality?

Yes, r/conspiracy now thinks there’s a sinister secret buried in the 300 page documents on net neutrality. Because if only they were public, they’d totally read a 300 page long bill by a regulatory agency!

Bob. Bob. Relax a little, Bob. Enjoy life. Go to see a movie sometime, without debating if MK Ultra brainwashed the stars. Bob, ya gotta take it easy sometime and stop seeing sinister plots in everything. Go to the beach, Bob.  Go on a nice vacation. Have some fun with an internet joke and let the paranoia slide for a night. Listen to the new Taylor Swift – yeah, I know, Bob, but she’s reinvented herself, she’s – no, Bob, it wasn’t a government plot to – Bob!

 

One Youtuber Has Figured Out The Dark Secrets Of Sports (That’ve Been Revealed Dozens Of Times)

Conspiracy theorists believe that pop culture is a distraction. From what? From what they believe, of course! If only people focused more on your personal movement and not pop songs, then everyone would agree with you and a true revolution could rise!

This line of thinking is not limited to conspiracy theorists, but to political movements of all stripes. If only the people stopped listening to celebrities, and started listening to you, then we’d just be moments away from a widespread conservative/communist/libertarian revolution!

And foremost among distractions is SPORTS. And a video called “FIXED ENTERTAINMENT Sports is a religion used to keep the stupid sheep asleep” (oh, how I love the deranged stream-of-consciousness names of conspiracy videos!) lays out why.

The following video didn’t gain much traction on r/conspiracy, with just 66% upvoting it. And it lays out the case against sports:

“What’s going on, Youtube?”

You insulting Eagles fans by displaying that image the whole video. Haven’t they suffered enough? I mean, they live in Philadelphia.

“This video is about sports only…”

ZHIB RHAN, BRINGING YOU THE BEST SPORTS TALK ON YOUTUBE! GET READY FOR SOME HOT TAKES

“How disgusted I am with sports…”

I agree, I was pretty disgusted with sports late Sunday afternoon for some reason.

“I also want to talk about Robinson Canó, who just recently signed a very big contract with the Seattle Mariners…”

Zhib Rhan hates Robinson Canó. He stands for all that is wrong with sports, and he’s disgusted that people are fans of this guy (to be sure, I know nothing about him; maybe he is eminently hateable).

But what he really hates are sports fans. Those pathetic louts who just watch millionaires throw a ball around, dreaming of getting the autographs of people they don’t even know.

“You’ll sit in packed baseball stadiums to watch these millionaires who don’t give two shits about you.”

Why are you watching a movie!? Millionaires, paid to pretend to be people? PATHETIC.

Why are you reading Harry Potter!? IT’S NOT EVEN REAL. JK Rowling doesn’t care about you!

You’ll sit in a packed theater watching someone who doesn’t care about you sing? They’re not singing to you! That’s pathetic!

“…hope you can get a jersey that you paid two, three hundred dollars for signed. But yet I’M the crazy one, but some of the same people who do that are the ones who want to point the finger at me that I’m crazy. No, no, YOU’RE CRAZY.”

I’m not crazy. You’re crazy for engaging in an activity that is mainstream! This rant brought to you by 2003-era Livejournal entries and Hot Topic t-shirts.

Perhaps you’re called crazy because your other videos include: “Beware of Satans children masquerading as TI’s, reptilians/greys, phony goddesses all over youtube”, “Paul Walker murdered by the Illuminati fast and furiously”,  “Miley Cyrus is an illuminati controlled sex slave”,  “Winner takes Earth mind controlled morons in black with E.U. inverted triangle”, and “Fake snow that doesn’t melt? lets have a look at a simple experiment”.

“The biggest of the losers are…”

The Chicago Cubs? The Jacksonville Jaguars? English penalty takers?

“…the people who deal with sports talk radio and ESPN.”

Sadly, he isn’t calling out the eminently hateable ESPN. Just the fans who call in with their own dumb hot takes.

“Those MORONS, who only wish they knew how to play sports, who were never good enough, who are only good enough to blab on the radio like they know everything.”

Wait, he’s railing against people who weren’t good enough to play sports? Is this a jock criticizing sports as a DISTRACTION? Normally that seems to be the domain of those picked last in gym class.

“Sports is what keeps people dumbed down in this country, that’s not the only thing, but it’s one of the main tools to dumb you down and keep you asleep…you people are broke, you’re losing your homes, your money’s being devalued, and yet you support these millionaires.”

And there it goes.

Sports keep you from caring about anything else. The people just aren’t as brilliant as Zhib Rhan: they literally can’t pay attention to sports and anything else. They wouldn’t even notice that they were losing their own homes if it wasn’t for Zhib Rhan brilliantly pointing this out to the sheeple with his brilliant brilliance.

The most popular sports league in the United States takes up one day of the week. One day out of seven. Your team only plays sixteen regular season games and up to four playoff games. It takes up a few hours on Sunday and maybe one game a season on Monday or Thursday night to follow your team. Even if you watch every game of a team’s 82-game NHL or NBA season, that’s two or three hours at night – no different from watching TV, or going to a movie, or going out for dinner or any number of entertainment options you have at 8/7 PM.

Do some people care about sports too much? Yes. Does it take up too much of their lives? For a minority, yes. But for the majority of people, sports are not a distraction from caring about other things. It’s just one more thing they care about.

Of all kinds of millionaires, athletes and celebrities are the most harmless. They’re not nearly as rich as businesspeople, and when a movie fails it doesn’t risk collapsing the economy or causing you to lose your house. Many do admirable charity work. In fact, American athletes’ salaries are artificially deflated by salary cap rules. It’s not like they’re racist slum lords or something variously terrible; that’s their employers, whose high paychecks are obviously on the level.

“That’s why you support deadbeats like Robinson Canó, and there’s plenty of other ones…”

Plenty of other ones! He won’t tell you their names, but be aware that they’re out there. But he will tell you that all athletes fuck prostitutes throughout the season.

Zhib Rhan doesn’t watch sports anymore. He used to play them, but he doesn’t waste his time on millionaires who don’t care about him.

“Games kids play in the street for free…these are kids games!”

Every time one of these people goes on a rant about sports, statements like this are dropped like they’re incredible truth bombs, enlightening sports fans to things they never considered before.

Zhib Rhan also believes that sports are fixed. He made a more in-depth video on this theory, but it’s ten fucking minutes long so I will never get to hear it.

“Sports has to be fixed, for these guys to make the kind of money they make…you have to pay people this kind of money to shut them up.”

What?

ALL SPORTS ARE FIXED, according to him. One wonders why the NBA fixed it so that the Knicks, one of their most high-profile teams, would go over three decades without a championship whilst awarding multiple championships on the relatively unpopular San Antonio Spurs and Detroit Pistons. Or why the NHL would ensure that hockey-mad Canada goes 20 years without a championship.

“That’s why when children play you don’t have a umpire or referee, but when there’s big money involved there’s referees and umpires.”

Is this a Sacramento fan still angry about the 2002 Western Conference Finals? Referees only exist to fake games…but I thought the players were in on it and needed to be shut up? Now it’s just the referees and umpires fixing it?

And God, imagine being picked to play referee as a child.

“It’s a billion dollar business…”

Sports? Are business? They make? Money? Thank you for enlightening my simple brain with this devastating secret.

“For most people in America, sports is their religion!”

Sports isn’t a belief system of any kind, nor is it a way of seeing or making sense of the world. But people obsess over it so it’s a religion, goddamnit!

“You people are insane. Supporting these millionaires that don’t give a damn about you…”

But enough about the Republican Party!

Let’s look at the Reddit comments.

fslaves

Don’t let yourself sit idly while others manipulate your emotions! Don’t watch movies, or TV shows, or listen to music, or play video games! Don’t ever engage in any form of popular culture to keep your emotions PURE from MANIPULATION.

There’s a lot more to it than grown men scowling at foolish boy games – there’s the whole history of amateurism vs professionalism that led to the Olympics amateurism and the split between rugby codes, which was marked by class. But it certainty wasn’t a plot by “the powers that be”.

chicago

4to6 is the new account of 4to4, one of the Reddit’s more prominent white supremacists.

And the poster talks about the Bartman incident, which ruined the World Series…

…he did not catch the ball during the World Series. The Cubs have not been in the World Series in half a century. How can you know this? Because they’re the Cubs.

Again, we learn that caring a lot about something means it’s a religion to you.

GreenBay

“Don’t say your team! It’s not your team! You are BRAINWASHED.”

“Actually I like a team that’s owned by its fans, so it is my team.”

“You’re pretending! You learned that here, fan of the team you just described!”

entertainment

Finally: all of culture is a CIA plot. Because of course it is to these TOP MINDS.

Previously: The sinister truth behind the Vancouver Canucks; the Illuminati/Freemason ties of the Brewers and Cubs.

Top Minds React to Ferguson

The r/conspiracy crowd has never much cared about the events in Ferguson. Even though they fear police brutality and control, and the images from the city are pulled straight from their Orwellian nightmares, they’ve just never been able to sympathize with the people of Ferguson for some reason.

Now that the result is in, how do they react? The Top Minds must be furious. They’ll look at police intimidating protesters and think, “Man, this is what we feared! If only the Sheeple listened!” Why, they’ve posted the infamous photo of heavily armed police standing under a SEASONS GREETINGS banner – an image that would be cut from a dystopian sci-fi film as too obvious – so let’s click and take in their anger. Oh, you know they’re going to drag out the 1984 comparisons here. They…

There is no conspiracy here…There was a returned opinion from a grand jury followed by security measures.

…will support the government’s judgment completely.

Oh my God, the city is burning down and looting and violence are rampant and there are POLICE there?! CONSPIRACY!!

I’ve seen no one expressing any sympathy with the people of Ferguson. Just a legion of conspiracy theorists – conspiracy theorists! – supporting the police and government. Elsewhere, they laugh over how a livestreamer “trying to make the residents of Ferguson look victimized for doing no wrong” had his phone stolen.

I can’t tell you how bizarre this. TOP MINDS are defined by not believing “the official story”. If the government announced tomorrow that JFK was killed by Cubans, they’d start saying it was obviously Oswald acting alone. And here they’re telling everyone to accept the government’s choice and support them completely. This is the least self-aware thing I’ve ever seen.

I think the elite won. Everyone will be talking ferguson over thanksgiving, not our wars, not our bankers, not our rampant spending, not our drug war, or homeless population. Just Ferguson and racial violence.

Some people believe Ferguson is a distraction, or an entirely invented event meant to “keep racism alive” (“I do business with Black people from all over & have no racism issues coming from their direction & they don’t get any from me either in this day & age”). There’s even a Wheel of Media Distraction:

w92AAAZ

When conspiracy theorists claim a news story is a “distraction”, they rarely say what it’s a distraction from. But this one does: all of news is a distraction from the War in Afghanistan, apparently, and no one actually cares about LGBT rights. It’s just a red herring no one’s against!

Are you fucking stupid? This place is out of control. Looting, burning of buildings, police, EMT and fire fighters being shot at. I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I swear you people can turn anything into a “conspiracy”.

I take that back. This is the most self-aware thing I’ve ever seen.

The Assassination of Coherence By The Weirdo David J

Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.

The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.

After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.

Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.

Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)

Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.

1. That you click on it.

You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.

Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!

Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????

2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)

The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.

The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…

Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.

“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”

Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.

3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”

A cop talks.

And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!

Dave J’s other videos include:

  • “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
  • “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
  • “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
  • “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
  • “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
  • “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”

Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?

Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.

WHERE DO TOP MINDS GET THEIR NEWS?

Kay: We’re gonna check the hot sheets.

Jay: THESE are the hot sheets?

Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

newsCongratulations, r/WorldNews. You are IRRELEVANT for…citing news sources usually regarded as reliable!

So let’s see what journalistic sources r/conspiracy relies on for THE TRUTH.

The most cited news source in the week’s top 25 submissions (excluding text posts, which were all rants about r/WorldNews anyway) are:

IMGUR. Nine submissions, including:

  • Two Imgur albums of images where arrows are pointed at random things in images of the Boston bombing, somehow proving it’s a conspiracy. One of these albums is thirty-seven images long.
  • Uncited quotes from famous people.
  • Two images of the Gaza bombing that killed those four teenagers. You “won’t see this on MSM news”, the title promises. I first heard about this story when it was discussed on MSNBC IT WAS FIRST REPORTED BY NBC. Notably, there are many news stories on this event one could link to instead of contextless images – but citing real news wouldn’t help you PROVE that the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is keeping it all secret.
  • A uncited political cartoon
  • And the week’s top submission, a quote from Joe Rogan. The favorite of TOP MINDS everywhere!

REAL NEWS. Seven submissions, including:

  • A Chicago Sun-Times story about a poll.
  • A Rolling Stone article on price-fixing that opens by apologizing to conspiracy theorists
  • Business Insider
  • Two Huffington Post articles, including one quoting noted political expert Eddie Vedder.
  • Raw Story
  • Politico

ACTIVIST SITES. Two submissions from Avaaz.org and Storyofstuff.org.

TWO WEBSITES FOR VETERANS.

The lead image on one of those veteran's sites.
The lead image on one of those veteran’s sites.

AND THOSE RANDOM WEBSITES YOU SEE NOWHERE ELSE BUT R/CONSPIRACY

“Liberty Blitzkrieg”.

From Liberty Blitzkrieg.
From Liberty Blitzkrieg.

“Truth Code”.

Truth Code
Truth Code

“The Free Thought Project”.

GMO

“Police State USA” (which seems to report on police brutality, mainly)

cropped-PSUSA_Header

AND FINALLY, the latest Weird Al video.

What have we learned today?

The Guardian and BBC are unreliable, but you can always trust LIBERTY BLITZKREIG; screencap news stories you see to share on Imgur instead of linking, so that you can claim no one in the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is covering the story; even conspiracy theorists like Weird Al.