Political Correctness Gone Mad

In Which Conspiracy Theorists Face Their Greatest Fear – a bean

Paul Joseph Watson, a vlogger in Alex Jones’ sprawling paranoid media empire-slash-supplement lifestyle brand InfoWars, is a major figure in modern paranoid internet dude conservatism, or – as he’d describe it – the new punk rock.

Yeah man, you’re really annoying the leftists by saying something dumb and getting called dumb before everyone moves on with their life.

Paul Joseph Watson is a tough rebel, an iconoclast who fears nothing – except for soybeans.

“Soy boy” is the latest term to spread like wildfire through the alt-right/InfoWars/terrible internet dude scene. Like all of their terminology – from “cuck” to “virtual signaler” – it’s treated as a devastating insult by those who use it, and is heard by everyone else as meaningless horseshit. Just like Watson’s own personal catchphrase, “imagine my shock”. Wow, buddy…I’m starting to think you aren’t really shocked, or something.

Soy feminizes men, Watson says. “You’ve probably seen the Buzzfeed Try Guy video where they measure their testosterone”, he goes on, apparently not knowing what “probably” means. I don’t think I’ve ever googled “testosterone levels of the staff of a website I dislike”, but then again I haven’t shilled even one dubious brain pill.

Watson thankfully includes a two-minutes-hate of feminist men who made a Tweet he dislikes, who also once tweeted about eating soy. Frantically searching for signs your enemies ate a food is a perfectly normal activity. Who hasn’t done such a thing? As you’d expect, this montage ranges from political celebrities to just random nobodies who made a bad Tweet once. Also, he takes a chance to be xenophobic about refugees, because of course.

You’d also expect random cuts to things we’re just instinctively meant to understand as bad. For example, Watson cuts to a woman – unnamed, and never mentioned in the video – saying “I’m triggered”. You sure showed…uh, whoever that was. He also cuts to Jeb Bush. Hasn’t JEB! suffered enough?

The crux of Watson’s theory is that soy contains estrogen. Babies are being fed a soy milk formula, and thus there’s a grand theory about how there’s a plot to raise a generation of Soy Boys. A terrifying world where boys are, uh, feminine a bit, maybe? The implications are truly not that troubling, honestly.

Soy boy outrage ran through the alt-right like a wildfire. Perhaps its finest result was leading 4Chan users to drink onion juice to offset the “effects” of soy and regain their manliness. Stefan “once posed as a woman online to agree with himself” Molyneux compared the consumption of soy to the fall of Rome.

But by and large, “soy boy” has become just another insult thrown about by the alt-right, a sign of cutting wit to them and a sign of meaningless, braying jackassery to everyone else. There’ll be a new one a week from now, and it’ll be just as confounding. But at least we can take pleasure in the fact that this one hurt 4Chan literally.

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Burn in Hell, Heat Street!

We created our own website to talk about how much we hate safe spaces.

Heat Street was not a good website. It was a very bad website, in fact, which you may be able to discern from its motto being “no safe spaces”. A failed experiment in creating a libertarian Huffington Post crafted by Louise Mensch, a former Tory who aimed for Arianna Huffington and instead briefly became a cult figure among the type of Twitter user who unironically follows Al Giordano.

Heat Street tried vainly to appeal to the young, Reddit-y conservatives of today by posting incessantly in favor of Gamergate, and defending noted racist frog meme Pepe (more on that later). But what did it in was, ironically, maybe the only decent thing the site ever did: Mensch’s opposition to Trump, which inspired backlash from such sources as Breitbart. But before you praise a conservative for doing the bare minimum possible to oppose Trump (ah, the McCain), know that Heat Street somehow fucked up attacking Donald Trump, basing their resistance on paranoid conspiracy theories about how Russians infected, not just the election, but every quadrant of society that doesn’t agree with them.

I’m sure this site is into GamerGate for pure motives & not as a vain grab for clicks.

Mensch’s ignominious farewell from the site she founded allowed for the ascent of Heat Street’s other luminary, Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy alive. Ian Miles Cheong used to be well-known as a woke, anti-GamerGate voice on Twitter. All that changed when a review of The Witcher 3 shook his ideals to the core by suggesting a game set in a fantasy world with dragons and magic might be able to accommodate a character who wasn’t white. Overnight, Cheong became a strident voice in favor of GamerGate and the alt-right, ready to defend Pepe’s innocence or retweet literal creationists if they attacked Bill Nye. Cheong was a brave maverick, who feared nothing except ants, seeing slightly less nudity in video games, and also everything.

Pictured: THE SADDEST BOY

Mensch’s era at Heat Street is known for causing the site to be at war with itself: one author would publish an article defending the racist meme frog, Mensch would leap in to counter them. One author would defend some creepy anime, Mensch would replace it with a piece about how it was creepy. This sounds like a bizarre, complicated way of going about the job of editor-in-chief, compared to the typical approach of just saying “hey, don’t publish that bad article you wrote”, but then again, I’m not the head of a failed libertarian off-shoot of Fox News. Luckily, under Cheong the site would flourish as a source that would drag up a few Tweets and use them to passionately defend video game breasts – truly journalism’s highest pursuit.

Heat Street was a directionless site that tried to appeal to the alt-right, and ended up appealing to no one. After alienating everyone, this failure of a site died on Friday, merged into Marketwatch. Mensch now runs her own blog to a dwindling audience, and Cheong’s pursuit of e-fame in an extraordinarily awful demographic looks like a road to nowhere.

Heat Street is in the Hell reserved for media outlets. As it arrived, it looked up into the shining sky, where on the clouds of Media Heaven, the sites we once loved frolic in peace. The Dissolve is up there, and Comics Alliance. You can almost hear the heavenly voice of The Toast regaling them with the tales of Narnia, as written by Ayn Rand, and with jokes about Sufjan Stevens song titles as described by medieval monks. Beneath is Media Purgatory, where Gawker sits under a banner reading “Yeah What Happened Was Fucked Up But So’s Leaking Sex Tapes”. Heat Street is not there. It is in Media Hell, unloved and unwanted, sitting for eternity as Grantland blathers about Boston sports and justifies outing trans people. It shall not be missed.

 

The President of the United States wants you to take his internet survey

This blog has been quiet for a while, mainly because of the void-staring and the internal screaming and the despair. But today I have some quick news for you: Donald Trump, President of the United States, most powerful man in the world, head of the world’s only superpower, the man in control of our nation’s nuclear weapons, is angry at the JOURNALISTS and is fighting back – with a internet survey.

The biased media, spreading fake news by citing things Trump said accurately and doing their jobs, will be taken to task by the President making it 2007 again. His survey includes such unbiased questions as “Do you believe that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order temporarily restricting people entering our country from nations compromised by radical Islamic terrorism?”, “Were you aware that a poll was released revealing that a majority of Americans actually supported President Trump’s temporary restriction executive order?”, and “Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?”. What unskewed results these shall bring! Nate Silver would be proud, if he hadn’t renounced the lies of numbers, those wicked motherfuckers that only ever lie and get you pissed, on November 10th 2016 and embraced a new life as a Patagonian sheepherder.

But before you’re tempted to engage in some good ol’ slacktivism by writing in “mean” (read: accurate) answers to every question, you should know that this survey is an – admittedly hilariously awful – scheme to get you on Trump’s mailing list, and your responses matter less than the ability of Trump’s staff to be able to cite the pure numbers of how many people took said survey, with your clever Drumpf jokes being lost like tears in the rain.

Angry Internet Man Has Glasses-Fueled Breakdown

[cw sexual assault, discussion of pedophilia]

Today’s post takes us to the world of anti-SJ blogs, which are an endless circlejerk, a never-ending procession of screams and tired Otherkin jokes issued from a chorus of boring edgelords.

I don’t even really have to introduce this person, as you know their type if you’ve ever navigated the less employable segments of internet discourse. Their Twitter profile, of course, opens up by identifying as some kind of absurd Otherkin type, before segueing into a “if you disagree with me, you’re a bigot” message, because as we know, modern feminism is known for its pro-Otherkin agenda.

patriHave you ever seen a comedian absolutely bomb? Have you ever watched, cringing, as they tried to salvage a terrible act before a hostile crowd? Well, the only thing sadder than a failed comic is a failed troll. Our protagonist today made a post where he made all the Disney Princesses Caucasian and threw them in front of an American flag, and received a grand 21 notes, none of them even angry. His Patreon has raised $10 thanks to the efforts of eight people.

Of course, it’s not hard to see why. Edgelord trolls, by and large, are aiming their work at an audience of fellow edgelord trolls, with the big names regurgitating the same tired memes like a pelican feeding her chicks, but somehow less dignified. The audience of easily outraged feminists reading their every posts simply does not exist. These circles do not intersect, but they’re so eager to believe that they offended someone that they’ll leap on anything as evidence. Anti-SJ blogs fall for parodies more readily than any group this side of Facebook grandmas reading The Onion, but at least that looks like news, and isn’t some outrageously shitty, unsubtle “I’m a black trans disabled agender asexual dildokin xD uWu” Tumblr parody. Anything to escape the fact that they’re sharing their offensive jokes within an echo chamber of people who aren’t going to be offended.

The one exception to their target’s lack of interest is when a blog introduces us to a concept so breathtakingly, bafflingly inane that the broader internet takes notice. And today I want to introduce you to a phrase that’s simple, but endlessly hilarious: “Problem glasses”.

I considered, at first, that this was a parody. But the line between genuine and satirical in the anti-SJ world blew up thanks to four little words: “little white cuck ball”, and GamerGate’s inexplicable war on oddly colored hair showed us that the anti-SJ world does ascribe political significance to the most random shit. So on we go! Patri-Archie-Comic’s stern warning about problem glasses, in its full glory:

tumblr_nd8nflts121u0r0dgo1_1280

I’m not sure what I can even add to this. “Problem glasses” is an inherently hilarious phrase. “Problem glasses” was not created, it just is. “Problem glasses”, apparently also known as “grandma glasses” or “pedo glasses” (more on that in a bit!), appear to just be…glasses, since the examples offered don’t even look the same.

Words used by “problem glasses” wearers include basic feminist terminology, because there’s nothing anti-SJ types dislike more than incredibly basic terms they don’t understand, as well as concepts like “trans-ethnic” that only exist as anti-SJ fever dreams, and even New Age-y things like headmates and Otherkin. I don’t seem to remember when Anita Sarkeesian declared herself a dragonkin plural with a radical pro-headmate agenda, but I might’ve just missed that video.

Mocking them as “pedo glasses” is interesting, because elsewhere, they’re pretty much fine with pedophiles:

patrip

“As fun as it was to rip into this person and call her a pedo, I actually agree with her opinions, which I tore apart, because…LOGIC AND REASON?”

Let us now just dwell in the magnificence of “problem glasses”, and rue the fact that we can never create something as hilarious, even though we’re trying to be funny.

Found via 9Volt.

The Feminist Plot to Destroy Ghostbusters, The Biggest Film Trilogy of All Time

The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.

The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.

GhostPost1

And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.

GhostPost2They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!

ghostpost3Women are crassening up stand-up comedy by talking about – *whispers*- s-e-x! Oh my!

ghostpost4A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.

The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.

ghostpost5

This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:

Ghostbusters

It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!

And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:

ghostPost6Awful people who aren’t sure if Pokémon Go is a hit because it’s a plot by Them, or if it’s escapism from Them:

ghostpost7Elsewhere, they blame its high Rotten Tomatoes scores on the site being owned by NBCUniversal, a company that, notably, did not make the new Ghostbusters. Here we see a touch of self-awareness:

 

And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:

alienSo what did we learn today, children?

  1. Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.

Glad we could clear that up!

So It’s Come to This: The Space Lizard Report on Gamergate

What happens if your insufferable militant atheist Redditor friend merges with your insufferable social conservative friend? Well, now we know the answer.

Today we tackle the QUINNSPIRACY. It’s advanced in a long and presumably unpleasant video that I refused to watch – which is saying something, as for this blog I’ve watched clearly unbalanced individuals claim that WWII, the moon and planes are hoaxes without a second thought.

The basic gist of the argument seems to be, game developer Zoe Quinn had sex with five men and this proves gaming journalism (which is essentially an enthusiast press that regurgitates press releases) is forever corrupt. The game critic she corrupted reviewed her game Depression Quest approvingly – wait, no, he actually didn’t review the game. And the game is free so Zoe’s not making anything off it.

The issue here appears to be that people within an industry know each other and are friends. If that makes gaming corrupt, then every industry is corrupt. Unless you believe that Oscar voters don’t cast votes for their friends.

And of course, Zoe is apparently supported by a vast conspiracy of social justice warriors. Social justice warrior is an awful insult, by the way. Something like “political correctness” at least invokes some kind of oppressive, Soviet feeling. “Social justice warrior” just makes your enemies sound awesome. What a failure of branding!

The movement against social justice warriors (a thing that does not exist) has no name, thought it overlaps with more traditional regressive movements like MRAs.

People like Anita Sarkeesian, that dastardly villain who raised money for a project and then made it just as promised and yet is still somehow considered a fraud for no apparent reason, have posted some of the harassment they’ve received. Naturally, this is denounced as false. Clearly one image being fake proves online harassment isn’t real, even though you can easily find it by searching on Twitter – and all those journalists who quit were just faking the harassment they received too.

Again, the criticism here seems to imply something untoward…about people within an industry being friends with one another.

Why do gamers care so much about gaming journalism? You don’t see scandals from moviegoers about how bad the reporting on Ain’t It Cool News is. You don’t see calls for movie critics to cover sex scandals. You didn’t see Roger Ebert covering Brangelina.

But we’re here to discuss conspiracies. And supposedly, there’s an even grander conspiracy by feminists to destroy gaming with their wicked censorship. (more…)

Racism. Noun. The belief that BARACK OBAMA SHOULDN’T LET YOU DIE FROM DIRTY IMMIGRANT DISEASES

obama

 

“I knew this day was coming and have even written about it in past years’ columns.”

And I’ve been looking forward to this day as well: the day where I read an anti-Obama article this thoroughly deranged.

“It was a fait accompli when Barack Hussein Obama entered what was once our White House and only a matter of time until he implemented this Orwellian portion of his program.”

ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WE HAVE ORWELL. Space Lizard’s Law is in effect and we’re just two sentences in! (more…)