Who suppresses humanity’s psychic abilities? Bill Nye, the President of Science, apparently.
[CW: pedophilia/child abuse, rape mention]
Judge: Plaintiff may approach the bench.
Cernovich: Thank you, your honor. I may be a simple GamerGate Lawyer, but today I seek to prove two things. One, that several celebrities are secret pedophiles based off of old tweets, and two, that a man doing it for one’s self drains them of their natural vigor, their life force, their-
Judge: …could you please explain to the court what you’re talking about?
Cernovich: Mastubation, your honor.
Judge: Did you just say…mastubation?
Cernovich: I said what I mean, your honor.
Judge: Alright. Just…stick to your case and not to the…
Judge: That. You may proceed.
Cernovich: Your honor, the director James Gunn made several problematic jokes before he found fame with Guardians of the Galaxy. These tweets proving his involvement in a secret ring of pedophiles were discovered by me-
Defense: Objection, your honor. These tweets were widely discussed at the time, and our client has apologized and moved on.
Cernovich: Impossible. If personal growth and change was possible, why don’t I know about it?
Judge: Objection sustained. Gamergate lawyer Mike Cernovich, you did not discover the tweets in question. They were widely discussed by people with an actual stake in them years ago. Move on.
Cernovich: Very well. Now, most men don’t know how their super serum is diluted by jerking it-
Judge: The court commands the plaintiff to never use the phrase ‘jerking it’ again. Please, your next target. I mean the next defendant.
Cernovich: Ah, this is a truly terrible case. Dan Harmon made a video parodying Dexter in 2009.
Cernovich: He publicly released it, and then deleted it when he had second thoughts. But I don’t what that phrase means, so let’s say I discovered this.
Judge: A parody of Dexter proves he’s part of a pedophile ring.
Cernovich: Isn’t it stupid of this wide-reaching, powerful conspiracy to place all their evidence in joke tweets and videos a simple Gamergate lawyer can find years later? But I’ve caught ’em.
Judge: Do you have any proof beyond this Dexter parody?
Cernovich: No. But does it matter? I took an anti-Roman Polanski joke from Sam Seder and used it to smear him as a rapist. MSNBC crumbled and fired him without a second thought. He came back, but the alt-right’s gamed outrage so successfully they can get anyone fired in the space of day. Everyone folds so quickly, not knowing the difference between good-faith outrage and cynical campaigns against political rivals like our’s. That’s why James Gunn is fired for jokes he apologized for, but people will keep throwing money at a man who led a hate campaign, invented a conspiracy theory, and is even an admitted rapist. You know, like Mike Cerno-uh….
Judge: Finish the sentence.
Cernovich: Who best to defend John Connor from a Terminator than a Terminator? It’s like that – who best to catch a sex criminal than a sex criminal? Established part of legal practice.
Judge: No, it’s not! Where did you get your law degree? Gamergate University?
Cernovich: I, uh…I…I would like to reassure the jury that I will never jerk off.
Judge: Please remove the plantiff from the court.
Cernovich: I will never jerk off! I will never jerk off! I will never-
The world is going to hell. In an era of government corruption, creeping power and open descent into fascism, conspiracy theorists are doing just what you’d expect they do: ignore every problem in favor of ranting about feminists and Star Wars. Because who cares about the world’s problems when they don’t impact well-off twenty-something white nerds?
There are many problems with journalism today: the rise of fake news as a phenomenon bolstered by prominent right-wing figures; editorial writers who would rather regurgitate the same tepid story bashing college students than talk about actual problems; and the growing reach of companies like Sinclair Broadcasting. Anyway, Reddit is creeped out by journalists talking about Star Wars:
“What the hell is with the way article headlines are being written these days? At first, it felt like a humorous coincidence, but now it’s seriously starting to creep me out”
My god! You’re telling me internet clickbait often uses repetitive headline structures? Gosh, ya cracked the case!
This thread – sitting at +2764, with 91% upvotes – continues to discuss this vile conspiracy to, uh, have opinions about Star Wars.
“Many people don’t read beyond the headline. It happens even on here. With the style of writing shown in the OP you don’t just quickly inform the smartphone addict, you also immediately tell them how to feel about that information.”
Or maybe it’s teasing what the author thinks about the subject. But nope, having an opinion in a story about media is brainwashing people. And that’s why Roger Ebert is history’s greatest monster.
“Nobody has the time to read an entire article and then do all the critical thinking required to reach an opiniated conclusion.”
Nobody reads articles anymore, whines someone who complained about dozens of news stories they didn’t read because of a meme.
“Because they entire media apparatus is owned by a single middle eastern tribe.”
SHARK NOISE SHARK NOISE! It’s the Antisemitism Megalodon!
(((And that’s a good thing)))
I don’t know how to process someone implying a phrase is Jewish. When you’re so Antisemitic you think a collection of five words is in league with George Soros.
“I don’t bother reading beyond the headline on reddit because I assume the comments will contain a more researched and nuanced discussion than the actual article”
This may seem odd, but to be fair, Redditors do have high IQs due to all that Rick and Morty.
I think you don’t get it.
- Movies / TV are cultural nuclear weapons.
- People are influenced by what they sense – without realizing it.
- The more you repeat a message – the more it will be accepted and embraced.
Insidious messages like “that movie you liked as a kid, but now with women in it” are truly the modern nuke.
I’ll always enjoy the internet dork dude backlash against The Force Awakens for the magical phrase “little white cuck ball”. There is so much to unpack in an 4Chan user reading psychosexual, racist meaning into BB8. BB8, the little soccer ball droid. “Little white cuck ball” is the modern “cellar door” – it is a statement too beautiful to fully take in. The human mind cannot plumb its depths.
“The articles are shaping the perception of the masses (with variations of the message depending on the target) to accept critical and masterfully crafted, hidden and integrated ideas shown in major film such as star wars.
The goal being a continuous shift of the cultural paradigm towards a global unification, also known as new world order.
You embrace ideas that were repugnant to your grandparents and your grandsons and granddaughters will go throught the same process.
We were born in a cult and Star Wars is a tool to evangelize (replace old cultures with new ones) so the small amount of cult leaders can keep enslaving billions of humans.”
Jesus, dude. Just…Jesus. You need a hobby. Maybe collect some stamps or something. Just…do anything but this
And ah yes, I’ve always been proud of my ancestor’s motto, “we’re super mad about women being in a movie that doesn’t exist yet”. A truly noble lineage.
“Operation Mockingbird. CIA controls all aspects of MSM, and the popular narratives on “social media”. Welcome to fascism.”
*sees every Trump speech, the alt-right, and Charlottesville* True fascism is people having different opinions than me about Star Wars.
r/conspiracy could discuss many things. But oddly, this community of paranoid young men with a oppression complex who hate women, minorities and Jews somehow overlooks everything Trump does. Who could possibly know why? But by God, they’ll fight against anyone who vaguely criticize Star Wars, or praise the Star Wars movies they don’t like, or hold an opinion they disagree with even slightly, with all the fierceness anonymous internet commenters can muster.
This is my first post of the year, and naturally, I spent it on some weird, petty Reddit thing. But The Space Lizard Report will return more regularly – as soon as I can install a global conspiracy to make people like the prequels.
A thread about Lindsey Lohan’s reaction to Harvey Weinstein produces this utter gem:
The joy of this is how it doesn’t really evolve, but just jumps right in. Seeing someone going in a mundane-bullshit brainwashing direction, one man stood up and said, “nope, she is a clone, and guess what! So is Eminem!” No one even mentioned Eminem!
It seems the denizens of r/conspiracy despise Eminem for his recent anti-Trump rap – and some believe he didn’t even rap it at all, and that much like Steve Guttenberg, a vast conspiracy has replaced Eminem with…a clone. Because cloning works very rapidly, and would replicate non-genetic factors like someone’s performance style and ability. This Redditor’s knowledge of cloning would make a Raëlian look good.
And how does he know Eminem was replaced by a clone?
*chef fingers* Marrrrrrrvelous.
In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.
As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.
“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”
It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.
You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.
I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.
The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…
The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?
And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.
…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.
The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.
The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.
And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.
They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!
A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.
The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.
This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:
It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!
And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:
And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:
- Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.
Glad we could clear that up!
In the immortal words of Jerry O’Connell, imagine if you could travel to parallel worlds. The same year, the same Earth, but everything else is different. Imagine a world where the Soviets rule America, or where ketchup is purple and the Beatles still exist.
It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:
Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!
The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.
And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.
“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”
Except if you like the Raiders.
“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.
The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”
Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.
So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.
Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.
The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.
Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.
…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.
If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-
But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.
EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.
It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.
I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).
Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!
So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.
A gem from 2008, a IMDB user known as diehardjl05 believes that:
Steve Guttenberg died 07/08/91 from complications with a blood clot, I remember back then on ET, for the red carpet premiere for Point Break, Lori Petty talking about how sad this was and she was there with Eric La salle pre ER fame, but then it wasn’t mentioned again.
Rudolph “Rudy” Guttenberg, Steve’s older brother, took over as Steve Guttenberg in late 1992/1993. He just took the name and has been his since then.
Incredibly, another user claims to have also seen this red carpet interview and the original poster states that this fact was previously listed on Guttenberg’s Wikipedia page.
In 1995 I was at the Odium Convention Center in Effinghag Georgia for a Blockbuster sponsored movie convention….Steve Guttenberg was sitting there signing autographs…after he signed I asked for a picture with him and he agreed, after the pic I asked him if Ally Sheedy had become all full of herself when they were doing short circuit since she was still riding the fame of breakfast club which came out the previous year. At first he paused then said “Ally Sheedy? No we Sort Circuit came out before Breakfast Club”. I was stunned and didnt know what to say, how did I know his filmography better than he did, breakfast club came out in 1985 the same year as Cocoon, then in 1986 Short Circuit came out…
The Breakfast Club did indeed come out before Short Circuit. He could have meant that he shot Short Circuit before The Breakfast Club’s release. Considering that The Breakfast Club largely took place in one room, and Short Circuit required extensive special effects, it’s not unbelievable that Short Circuit could have been shot before The Breakfast Club but come out later. I cannot confirm this, however, as I can’t find the filming dates for Short Circuit.
Anyways I thought he just messed up but then I said so what do you think about the ghost in 3 men and a baby, was it real. He then looked at me and said “what ghost” I said “ya know the famous ghost behind the curtains scene” he again said he had no idea what I was talking about
Maybe he was just confused about why you were asking him about a cardboard cutout.
….then I said in a joking manner “hey what have you done with the real Steve Guttenberg”. Immediately after I said this he kind of looked down and walked back towards his people and this woman came out of nowhere and said to stop harassing Mr. Guttenberg or she would have me arrested.
“I asked him several irrelevant questions and asked him a bizarre, hostile one when confused. How dare they say I harassed him!”
I thought it was all weird, ever since then I thought there was a cover up of somehting, not to mention he was wearing a hat and sunglasses inside….trying to cover his face I guess. Anyways, there are bits and pieces of this mystery all over the net…I emplore you all to find out the truth.
I feel like “somehting” is wrong with this post. I “emplore” you to find a dictionary.
The thread later spawns this amazing theory from Ixnatifual:
It’s all true, except that it was not his brother who took over Steve’s identity. A magical simulacrum was created from bags of decomposing Corn Flakes in the likeness of Steve Guttenberg, and it is this creature which now parades around as a mockery of the now dead actor from whom it owes its appearance.
And the equally incredible response from Secondarymodern:
Oh man, if someone throws milk at Guttenberg, he’s so screwed.
About as believable as the serious posts!
Steve Guttenberg, widely tolerated star of the silver screen, died on July 8th, 1991. Alas, the Powers that Be knew that America could not stand to lose a superstar like him during such a trying time. He disappeared for a few years, and when he returned he just wasn’t the same. His identical, less talented brother, who did not make a film until after a conspicuous four-year absence, replaced him. To help America. His heralded return in a movie co-starring Kirstie Alley and the Olson Twins just didn’t catch on, for some strange, presumably twin-brother-posing-as-national-hero-Steve-Guttenberg reasons. How else could such wonderful comeback year projects fail? Look at the other films he made in 1995 – Guttenberg’s first films since 1990:
- A Disney-produced soccer film with a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes
- A film about the friendship between a dog and a dolphin
- A role in an ensemble comedy-drama directed by Jodie Foster. Respectable enough, but it received mixed reviews.
MY GOD. Look at that first movie, It Takes Two!
Two unrelated young girls who happen to look identical suddenly meet. Amanda Lemmon (Mary-Kate Olsen) is an orphan, and she is about to be adopted by the Butkises, a family whom she doesn’t like. She actually wants her child-loving social worker, Diane Barrows (Kirstie Alley), to adopt her instead. Diane would like to do so, but authorities will not let her because of her low salary. Alyssa Callaway (Ashley Olsen) is coming home from her boarding school’s piano recital competition, only to find that her wealthy father, Roger (Steve Guttenberg), is about to marry Clarice Kensington (Jane Sibbett) a socialite who threatens to send her soon-to-be stepdaughter to boarding school in Tibet.
The girls switch places and find out that Roger and Diane would fit together perfectly.
Much like Stanley Kubrick’s coded moon landing confessions in The Shining, this is a key to the truth. We’re through the looking glass here, people, and it’s time to grab the white rabbit’s ears and fucking ride down the Yellow Brick Road until you all take the red pill.
Identical siblings? Switching places? Who are the loveable parents in this scenario? Could it be a divided America, healed by the return of the late Steve Guttenberg to the cinema? Time for a documentary unraveling all this symbolism! I’ll call it Room 23-MenAndABaby.
Two years later he starred in a direct-to-video sequel to the eminently forgettable live-action Casper movie made in 1996, and a made-for-TV adaption of a Disney World ride. His fame became a joke on The Simpsons. I can’t think why his career never got back on track! Must be his twin brother posing as him after his untimely death, as announced by a E! red carpet reporter covering the premier of Point Break.
Alas, the only witnesses – living witnesses – to this tragedy are a showbiz reporter, ER’s Eriq La Salle and one IMDB poster, for a powerful conspiracy suppressed the news of Guttenberg’s death before it could reach anyone else. Assuredly, any upload of this announcement suffers an immediate takedown at the hands of the powerful Steve Guttenberg conspiracy.
In 1991, a moderately popular comedian died. And the truth has been covered up ever since.
Wait, no, they just think it’s a DISTRACTION. From…net neutrality?
Yes, r/conspiracy now thinks there’s a sinister secret buried in the 300 page documents on net neutrality. Because if only they were public, they’d totally read a 300 page long bill by a regulatory agency!
Bob. Bob. Relax a little, Bob. Enjoy life. Go to see a movie sometime, without debating if MK Ultra brainwashed the stars. Bob, ya gotta take it easy sometime and stop seeing sinister plots in everything. Go to the beach, Bob. Go on a nice vacation. Have some fun with an internet joke and let the paranoia slide for a night. Listen to the new Taylor Swift – yeah, I know, Bob, but she’s reinvented herself, she’s – no, Bob, it wasn’t a government plot to – Bob!