Pop Culture Conspiracies

The Space Lizard Report Hits the Big Time

In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.

As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.

cubs1

“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”

It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.

cubs3

You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.

Specifically, r/conspiracy.

Unironically.

I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.

rconspiracy

The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

…and…

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.

 

The Feminist Plot to Destroy Ghostbusters, The Biggest Film Trilogy of All Time

The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.

The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.

GhostPost1

And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.

GhostPost2They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!

ghostpost3Women are crassening up stand-up comedy by talking about – *whispers*- s-e-x! Oh my!

ghostpost4A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.

The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.

ghostpost5

This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:

Ghostbusters

It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!

And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:

ghostPost6Awful people who aren’t sure if Pokémon Go is a hit because it’s a plot by Them, or if it’s escapism from Them:

ghostpost7Elsewhere, they blame its high Rotten Tomatoes scores on the site being owned by NBCUniversal, a company that, notably, did not make the new Ghostbusters. Here we see a touch of self-awareness:

 

And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:

alienSo what did we learn today, children?

  1. Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.

Glad we could clear that up!

Oddity of the Day: The Beatles Never Broke Up

BeatlesIn the immortal words of Jerry O’Connell, imagine if you could travel to parallel worlds. The same year, the same Earth, but everything else is different. Imagine a world where the Soviets rule America, or where ketchup is purple and the Beatles still exist.

Such a story was told by a man calling himself James Richards, who launched a website in 2009 detailing his journey into a parallel world – and he brought back evidence of his bizarre trip. (more…)

Top Minds: “No Major Sporting Event Has Been Attacked By Terrorists, Except All Those Ones That Were.”

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:

*SCREAMS FOREVER*

Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!

The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.

And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.

“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”

Except if you like the Raiders.

“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.

The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”

Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.

So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.

Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.

The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.

Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.

…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.

If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-

But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.

EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.

It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.

I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).

Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!

So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.

“Who Makes Steve Guttenberg A Star?” No One, Because Steve Guttenberg Died In 1991.

A gem from 2008, a IMDB user known as diehardjl05 believes that:

Steve Guttenberg died 07/08/91 from complications with a blood clot, I remember back then on ET, for the red carpet premiere for Point Break, Lori Petty talking about how sad this was and she was there with Eric La salle pre ER fame, but then it wasn’t mentioned again.

Rudolph “Rudy” Guttenberg, Steve’s older brother, took over as Steve Guttenberg in late 1992/1993. He just took the name and has been his since then.

Incredibly, another user claims to have also seen this red carpet interview and the original poster states that this fact was previously listed on Guttenberg’s Wikipedia page.

In 1995 I was at the Odium Convention Center in Effinghag Georgia for a Blockbuster sponsored movie convention….Steve Guttenberg was sitting there signing autographs…after he signed I asked for a picture with him and he agreed, after the pic I asked him if Ally Sheedy had become all full of herself when they were doing short circuit since she was still riding the fame of breakfast club which came out the previous year. At first he paused then said “Ally Sheedy? No we Sort Circuit came out before Breakfast Club”. I was stunned and didnt know what to say, how did I know his filmography better than he did, breakfast club came out in 1985 the same year as Cocoon, then in 1986 Short Circuit came out…

The Breakfast Club did indeed come out before Short Circuit. He could have meant that he shot Short Circuit before The Breakfast Club’s release. Considering that The Breakfast Club largely took place in one room, and Short Circuit required extensive special effects, it’s not unbelievable that Short Circuit could have been shot before The Breakfast Club but come out later. I cannot confirm this, however, as I can’t find the filming dates for Short Circuit.

Anyways I thought he just messed up but then I said so what do you think about the ghost in 3 men and a baby, was it real. He then looked at me and said “what ghost” I said “ya know the famous ghost behind the curtains scene” he again said he had no idea what I was talking about

Maybe he was just confused about why you were asking him about a cardboard cutout.

….then I said in a joking manner “hey what have you done with the real Steve Guttenberg”. Immediately after I said this he kind of looked down and walked back towards his people and this woman came out of nowhere and said to stop harassing Mr. Guttenberg or she would have me arrested.

“I asked him several irrelevant questions and asked him a bizarre, hostile one when confused. How dare they say I harassed him!”

I thought it was all weird, ever since then I thought there was a cover up of somehting, not to mention he was wearing a hat and sunglasses inside….trying to cover his face I guess. Anyways, there are bits and pieces of this mystery all over the net…I emplore you all to find out the truth.

I feel like “somehting” is wrong with this post. I “emplore” you to find a dictionary.

The thread later spawns this amazing theory from Ixnatifual:

It’s all true, except that it was not his brother who took over Steve’s identity. A magical simulacrum was created from bags of decomposing Corn Flakes in the likeness of Steve Guttenberg, and it is this creature which now parades around as a mockery of the now dead actor from whom it owes its appearance.

And the equally incredible response from Secondarymodern:

Oh man, if someone throws milk at Guttenberg, he’s so screwed.

About as believable as the serious posts!

Steve Guttenberg, widely tolerated star of the silver screen, died on July 8th, 1991. Alas, the Powers that Be knew that America could not stand to lose a superstar like him during such a trying time. He disappeared for a few years, and when he returned he just wasn’t the same. His identical, less talented brother, who did not make a film until after a conspicuous four-year absence, replaced him. To help America. His heralded return in a movie co-starring Kirstie Alley and the Olson Twins just didn’t catch on, for some strange, presumably twin-brother-posing-as-national-hero-Steve-Guttenberg reasons. How else could such wonderful comeback year projects fail? Look at the other films he made in 1995 – Guttenberg’s first films since 1990:

MY GOD. Look at that first movie, It Takes Two!

Two unrelated young girls who happen to look identical suddenly meet. Amanda Lemmon (Mary-Kate Olsen) is an orphan, and she is about to be adopted by the Butkises, a family whom she doesn’t like. She actually wants her child-loving social worker, Diane Barrows (Kirstie Alley), to adopt her instead. Diane would like to do so, but authorities will not let her because of her low salary. Alyssa Callaway (Ashley Olsen) is coming home from her boarding school’s piano recital competition, only to find that her wealthy father, Roger (Steve Guttenberg), is about to marry Clarice Kensington (Jane Sibbett) a socialite who threatens to send her soon-to-be stepdaughter to boarding school in Tibet.

The girls switch places and find out that Roger and Diane would fit together perfectly.

Much like Stanley Kubrick’s coded moon landing confessions in The Shining, this is a key to the truth. We’re through the looking glass here, people, and it’s time to grab the white rabbit’s ears and fucking ride down the Yellow Brick Road until you all take the red pill.

Identical siblings? Switching places? Who are the loveable parents in this scenario? Could it be a divided America, healed by the return of the late Steve Guttenberg to the cinema? Time for a documentary unraveling all this symbolism! I’ll call it Room 23-MenAndABaby.

Two years later he starred in a direct-to-video sequel to the eminently forgettable live-action Casper movie made in 1996, and a made-for-TV adaption of a Disney World ride. His fame became a joke on The Simpsons. I can’t think why his career never got back on track! Must be his twin brother posing as him after his untimely death, as announced by a E! red carpet reporter covering the premier of Point Break.

Alas, the only witnesses – living witnesses – to this tragedy are a showbiz reporter, ER’s Eriq La Salle and one IMDB poster, for a powerful conspiracy suppressed the news of Guttenberg’s death before it could reach anyone else. Assuredly, any upload of this announcement suffers an immediate takedown at the hands of the powerful Steve Guttenberg conspiracy.

In 1991, a moderately popular comedian died. And the truth has been covered up ever since.

Via Snopes.

r/Conspiracy Tries to Figure Out What Color That Blue and Gold Dress Is

Wait, no, they just think it’s a DISTRACTION. From…net neutrality?

Yes, r/conspiracy now thinks there’s a sinister secret buried in the 300 page documents on net neutrality. Because if only they were public, they’d totally read a 300 page long bill by a regulatory agency!

Bob. Bob. Relax a little, Bob. Enjoy life. Go to see a movie sometime, without debating if MK Ultra brainwashed the stars. Bob, ya gotta take it easy sometime and stop seeing sinister plots in everything. Go to the beach, Bob.  Go on a nice vacation. Have some fun with an internet joke and let the paranoia slide for a night. Listen to the new Taylor Swift – yeah, I know, Bob, but she’s reinvented herself, she’s – no, Bob, it wasn’t a government plot to – Bob!

 

One Youtuber Has Figured Out The Dark Secrets Of Sports (That’ve Been Revealed Dozens Of Times)

Conspiracy theorists believe that pop culture is a distraction. From what? From what they believe, of course! If only people focused more on your personal movement and not pop songs, then everyone would agree with you and a true revolution could rise!

This line of thinking is not limited to conspiracy theorists, but to political movements of all stripes. If only the people stopped listening to celebrities, and started listening to you, then we’d just be moments away from a widespread conservative/communist/libertarian revolution!

And foremost among distractions is SPORTS. And a video called “FIXED ENTERTAINMENT Sports is a religion used to keep the stupid sheep asleep” (oh, how I love the deranged stream-of-consciousness names of conspiracy videos!) lays out why.

The following video didn’t gain much traction on r/conspiracy, with just 66% upvoting it. And it lays out the case against sports:

“What’s going on, Youtube?”

You insulting Eagles fans by displaying that image the whole video. Haven’t they suffered enough? I mean, they live in Philadelphia.

“This video is about sports only…”

ZHIB RHAN, BRINGING YOU THE BEST SPORTS TALK ON YOUTUBE! GET READY FOR SOME HOT TAKES

“How disgusted I am with sports…”

I agree, I was pretty disgusted with sports late Sunday afternoon for some reason.

“I also want to talk about Robinson Canó, who just recently signed a very big contract with the Seattle Mariners…”

Zhib Rhan hates Robinson Canó. He stands for all that is wrong with sports, and he’s disgusted that people are fans of this guy (to be sure, I know nothing about him; maybe he is eminently hateable).

But what he really hates are sports fans. Those pathetic louts who just watch millionaires throw a ball around, dreaming of getting the autographs of people they don’t even know.

“You’ll sit in packed baseball stadiums to watch these millionaires who don’t give two shits about you.”

Why are you watching a movie!? Millionaires, paid to pretend to be people? PATHETIC.

Why are you reading Harry Potter!? IT’S NOT EVEN REAL. JK Rowling doesn’t care about you!

You’ll sit in a packed theater watching someone who doesn’t care about you sing? They’re not singing to you! That’s pathetic!

“…hope you can get a jersey that you paid two, three hundred dollars for signed. But yet I’M the crazy one, but some of the same people who do that are the ones who want to point the finger at me that I’m crazy. No, no, YOU’RE CRAZY.”

I’m not crazy. You’re crazy for engaging in an activity that is mainstream! This rant brought to you by 2003-era Livejournal entries and Hot Topic t-shirts.

Perhaps you’re called crazy because your other videos include: “Beware of Satans children masquerading as TI’s, reptilians/greys, phony goddesses all over youtube”, “Paul Walker murdered by the Illuminati fast and furiously”,  “Miley Cyrus is an illuminati controlled sex slave”,  “Winner takes Earth mind controlled morons in black with E.U. inverted triangle”, and “Fake snow that doesn’t melt? lets have a look at a simple experiment”.

“The biggest of the losers are…”

The Chicago Cubs? The Jacksonville Jaguars? English penalty takers?

“…the people who deal with sports talk radio and ESPN.”

Sadly, he isn’t calling out the eminently hateable ESPN. Just the fans who call in with their own dumb hot takes.

“Those MORONS, who only wish they knew how to play sports, who were never good enough, who are only good enough to blab on the radio like they know everything.”

Wait, he’s railing against people who weren’t good enough to play sports? Is this a jock criticizing sports as a DISTRACTION? Normally that seems to be the domain of those picked last in gym class.

“Sports is what keeps people dumbed down in this country, that’s not the only thing, but it’s one of the main tools to dumb you down and keep you asleep…you people are broke, you’re losing your homes, your money’s being devalued, and yet you support these millionaires.”

And there it goes.

Sports keep you from caring about anything else. The people just aren’t as brilliant as Zhib Rhan: they literally can’t pay attention to sports and anything else. They wouldn’t even notice that they were losing their own homes if it wasn’t for Zhib Rhan brilliantly pointing this out to the sheeple with his brilliant brilliance.

The most popular sports league in the United States takes up one day of the week. One day out of seven. Your team only plays sixteen regular season games and up to four playoff games. It takes up a few hours on Sunday and maybe one game a season on Monday or Thursday night to follow your team. Even if you watch every game of a team’s 82-game NHL or NBA season, that’s two or three hours at night – no different from watching TV, or going to a movie, or going out for dinner or any number of entertainment options you have at 8/7 PM.

Do some people care about sports too much? Yes. Does it take up too much of their lives? For a minority, yes. But for the majority of people, sports are not a distraction from caring about other things. It’s just one more thing they care about.

Of all kinds of millionaires, athletes and celebrities are the most harmless. They’re not nearly as rich as businesspeople, and when a movie fails it doesn’t risk collapsing the economy or causing you to lose your house. Many do admirable charity work. In fact, American athletes’ salaries are artificially deflated by salary cap rules. It’s not like they’re racist slum lords or something variously terrible; that’s their employers, whose high paychecks are obviously on the level.

“That’s why you support deadbeats like Robinson Canó, and there’s plenty of other ones…”

Plenty of other ones! He won’t tell you their names, but be aware that they’re out there. But he will tell you that all athletes fuck prostitutes throughout the season.

Zhib Rhan doesn’t watch sports anymore. He used to play them, but he doesn’t waste his time on millionaires who don’t care about him.

“Games kids play in the street for free…these are kids games!”

Every time one of these people goes on a rant about sports, statements like this are dropped like they’re incredible truth bombs, enlightening sports fans to things they never considered before.

Zhib Rhan also believes that sports are fixed. He made a more in-depth video on this theory, but it’s ten fucking minutes long so I will never get to hear it.

“Sports has to be fixed, for these guys to make the kind of money they make…you have to pay people this kind of money to shut them up.”

What?

ALL SPORTS ARE FIXED, according to him. One wonders why the NBA fixed it so that the Knicks, one of their most high-profile teams, would go over three decades without a championship whilst awarding multiple championships on the relatively unpopular San Antonio Spurs and Detroit Pistons. Or why the NHL would ensure that hockey-mad Canada goes 20 years without a championship.

“That’s why when children play you don’t have a umpire or referee, but when there’s big money involved there’s referees and umpires.”

Is this a Sacramento fan still angry about the 2002 Western Conference Finals? Referees only exist to fake games…but I thought the players were in on it and needed to be shut up? Now it’s just the referees and umpires fixing it?

And God, imagine being picked to play referee as a child.

“It’s a billion dollar business…”

Sports? Are business? They make? Money? Thank you for enlightening my simple brain with this devastating secret.

“For most people in America, sports is their religion!”

Sports isn’t a belief system of any kind, nor is it a way of seeing or making sense of the world. But people obsess over it so it’s a religion, goddamnit!

“You people are insane. Supporting these millionaires that don’t give a damn about you…”

But enough about the Republican Party!

Let’s look at the Reddit comments.

fslaves

Don’t let yourself sit idly while others manipulate your emotions! Don’t watch movies, or TV shows, or listen to music, or play video games! Don’t ever engage in any form of popular culture to keep your emotions PURE from MANIPULATION.

There’s a lot more to it than grown men scowling at foolish boy games – there’s the whole history of amateurism vs professionalism that led to the Olympics amateurism and the split between rugby codes, which was marked by class. But it certainty wasn’t a plot by “the powers that be”.

chicago

4to6 is the new account of 4to4, one of the Reddit’s more prominent white supremacists.

And the poster talks about the Bartman incident, which ruined the World Series…

…he did not catch the ball during the World Series. The Cubs have not been in the World Series in half a century. How can you know this? Because they’re the Cubs.

Again, we learn that caring a lot about something means it’s a religion to you.

GreenBay

“Don’t say your team! It’s not your team! You are BRAINWASHED.”

“Actually I like a team that’s owned by its fans, so it is my team.”

“You’re pretending! You learned that here, fan of the team you just described!”

entertainment

Finally: all of culture is a CIA plot. Because of course it is to these TOP MINDS.

Previously: The sinister truth behind the Vancouver Canucks; the Illuminati/Freemason ties of the Brewers and Cubs.

The Week in Conspiracy Theories: Top Minds Explore The Satanic Origins of Feminism, Islamophobia Down Under and More!

Feminism: A Secret Freemason Plot?

Via r/conspiratard comes this jumble of run-on sentences alleging that Feminism is a Rockefeller/Rothschild/Satanist/Freemason conspiracy to make sure the state raises children, not parents.

56561954Feminism is a cruel hoax, telling women their natural biological instincts are “socially constructed” to oppress them. It is elite social engineering designed to poison male-female relations – divide and conquer. By promoting Feminism, the state is able to gain the allegiance of women to promote more government control. Their twin objectives are depopulation and totalitarian world government. Research it so you can believe your own eyes. IT’S A TRAP! IT’S A SET UP!

 

To be a Freemason, in most lodges you have to be two things:

  1. A man
  2. Religious (usually Christian)

But let’s not dwell on those facts. Let’s instead dwell on this site’s bizarre images:

fem 3

Women! They have eyes! The All-Seeing Eye. Money. Government. Women making a hand symbol! Three of them! Looks like three sixes. ARE WOMEN A FREEMASON-ILLUMINATI-SATANIST PLOT!??? Of course! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! (more…)

Endorsements

fans

 

I don’t even need to look for weird shit anymore; it comes to me.

I have no idea if this blog is serious, but it did attack Miley Cyrus and then link to random blogs on every line of a song. I’m the “From Disney she was sold”, and the link is to the poorly-lit bald guy REPTILIAN post from earlier. Every other link seems to be to a real conspiracy blog. My guess: Googling “conspiracy theory” without actually checking what appeared.

This blog’s most used tags include “erotica” and seems to mostly be fiction and whatever the fuck this is. I’m just…what is this, and what does it have to do with me?

“Only Ideological Feminists…”: #GamerGate reaches new lows

Feminist media critic Anita Sarkeesian, who no one noticed until she started criticizing video games for being sexist sometimes, faced another challenge as an anonymous person threatened a massacre if she made a speech. Again, this is over moderate criticism of video games.

Also: Depression Quest is free.

Also: Depression Quest is free. (source: r/gamerghazi)

The ongoing campaign of harassment against women in gaming has, oddly enough, been better reported by non-gaming sources than gaming news sites. Dubbed #GamerGate, it’s technically a campaign for ethics in journalism – and so, obviously, they’ve allied themselves with Breitbart.com to fight the New York Times. But actually the movement began with long, pointless Youtube videos attacking a developer called Zoe Quinn for sleeping with men. Including a man who gave a good review to her game Depression Quest, except he never once reviewed Depression Quest, meaning the whole justification for the movement is bullshit.

Now, the threat doesn’t mention #GamerGate. But that doesn’t stop Gaters from engaging in the time-honored tradition of conspiracy theorists everywhere: shouting false flag! False flag! everywhere like total assholes.

This isn’t the first time this has happened with Anita Sarkeesian. Back in August, loathsome MRA site Return of the Kings reported that Anita Sarkeesian must have invented threats she showed off: after all, she’s logged out (no one has multiple accounts on Twitter or browses offline, obviously) and the account’s recently made (no one’s ever made a new burner account to get around a ban in the history of the internet)! Plus, isn’t the guy’s grammar too good to be real? And the search bar’s empty – which always happens after going to a account’s page from search results, as I just verified now. It takes 5 seconds to confirm this.

But people ranting about false flags are like cicadas: you can’t seem ’em now, but you know they’ll be back soon and they’re going to be fucking loud when that happens.

anita

I’m pretty sure that politicians get death threats all the time. In fact, quite a few of them have been outright murdered by people. Stephen Sondheim has a musical on the topic if you’re interested.

J61ml88

And here we see someone “proving” the threat was fake by grading it like a damn middle school essay. It must be fake because this manifesto by someone who wanted to shoot people over feminism is too focused on women. Only feminists would know of the Montreal massacre (a major event that spurred gun control in Canada), and you can’t say it’d be an attack like it because there was only one attack (huh?), And this death threat by someone willing to kill people to protect video games from feminism has some weird writing in it, Ergo, false flag. Elsewhere, someone uses a website to prove that a woman wrote this.

There are valid arguments on both sides. For instance, one side thinks saying something about ethics lets you harass women and the other side is full of rational adults who see #GamerGate as the horde of petulant children they are. One side allies with conservative news sites, conservative websites and conservative celebrities and the other side somehow thinks this means they’re a conservative movement. One side angrily reacts to headlines, and the other actually bothers to read things before judging them. One side talks about ethical concerns honestly, and the other only started caring about corruption in the game industry when it let them yell at women. There are truly two sides to this issue, as you can see.

“A few bad apples” is a funny phrase. Now it’s a defense – it’s just a few bad apples, the rest of our group is fine! But the full expression says the opposite: a few bad apples spoil everything. There may be apples in the #GamerGate bunch that aren’t rotten to the core, but they all spring from the same, poison tree.

PS: I apologize to cicadas for comparing you to #GamerGate. Cicadas are great. Bugs are great. Please go look at cool bugs instead of reading anything about #GamerGate.