Who suppresses humanity’s psychic abilities? Bill Nye, the President of Science, apparently.
A short list of garbage fire conspiracy horseshit banned or deplatformed since I last posted:
- Alex Jones’ Infowars was banned from everywhere but Twitter after years of harassing shooting victim’s families and being general shitheads, and then banned on Twitter when Alex Jones yelled at the CEO. Oddly, Infowars-adjacent Paul Joseph “afraid of a bean” Watson videos remain.
- Reddit banned all QAnon subs, including r/GreatAwakening, and quarantined incel & MRA subs like r/theredpill and r/braincels (where the users of banned sub r/incels fled), and quarantined, but oddly did not ban, white supremacist subs.
- And just now, MRA haven Return of the Kings has gone on “hiatus” after losing ad revenue.
Good job, guys! Maybe next time repulsive fringe communities will be banned before they have a chance to fester, leading to years of harassment, violence and four to eight years of an outright fascist President.
The world is going to hell. In an era of government corruption, creeping power and open descent into fascism, conspiracy theorists are doing just what you’d expect they do: ignore every problem in favor of ranting about feminists and Star Wars. Because who cares about the world’s problems when they don’t impact well-off twenty-something white nerds?
There are many problems with journalism today: the rise of fake news as a phenomenon bolstered by prominent right-wing figures; editorial writers who would rather regurgitate the same tepid story bashing college students than talk about actual problems; and the growing reach of companies like Sinclair Broadcasting. Anyway, Reddit is creeped out by journalists talking about Star Wars:
“What the hell is with the way article headlines are being written these days? At first, it felt like a humorous coincidence, but now it’s seriously starting to creep me out”
My god! You’re telling me internet clickbait often uses repetitive headline structures? Gosh, ya cracked the case!
This thread – sitting at +2764, with 91% upvotes – continues to discuss this vile conspiracy to, uh, have opinions about Star Wars.
“Many people don’t read beyond the headline. It happens even on here. With the style of writing shown in the OP you don’t just quickly inform the smartphone addict, you also immediately tell them how to feel about that information.”
Or maybe it’s teasing what the author thinks about the subject. But nope, having an opinion in a story about media is brainwashing people. And that’s why Roger Ebert is history’s greatest monster.
“Nobody has the time to read an entire article and then do all the critical thinking required to reach an opiniated conclusion.”
Nobody reads articles anymore, whines someone who complained about dozens of news stories they didn’t read because of a meme.
“Because they entire media apparatus is owned by a single middle eastern tribe.”
SHARK NOISE SHARK NOISE! It’s the Antisemitism Megalodon!
(((And that’s a good thing)))
I don’t know how to process someone implying a phrase is Jewish. When you’re so Antisemitic you think a collection of five words is in league with George Soros.
“I don’t bother reading beyond the headline on reddit because I assume the comments will contain a more researched and nuanced discussion than the actual article”
This may seem odd, but to be fair, Redditors do have high IQs due to all that Rick and Morty.
I think you don’t get it.
- Movies / TV are cultural nuclear weapons.
- People are influenced by what they sense – without realizing it.
- The more you repeat a message – the more it will be accepted and embraced.
Insidious messages like “that movie you liked as a kid, but now with women in it” are truly the modern nuke.
I’ll always enjoy the internet dork dude backlash against The Force Awakens for the magical phrase “little white cuck ball”. There is so much to unpack in an 4Chan user reading psychosexual, racist meaning into BB8. BB8, the little soccer ball droid. “Little white cuck ball” is the modern “cellar door” – it is a statement too beautiful to fully take in. The human mind cannot plumb its depths.
“The articles are shaping the perception of the masses (with variations of the message depending on the target) to accept critical and masterfully crafted, hidden and integrated ideas shown in major film such as star wars.
The goal being a continuous shift of the cultural paradigm towards a global unification, also known as new world order.
You embrace ideas that were repugnant to your grandparents and your grandsons and granddaughters will go throught the same process.
We were born in a cult and Star Wars is a tool to evangelize (replace old cultures with new ones) so the small amount of cult leaders can keep enslaving billions of humans.”
Jesus, dude. Just…Jesus. You need a hobby. Maybe collect some stamps or something. Just…do anything but this
And ah yes, I’ve always been proud of my ancestor’s motto, “we’re super mad about women being in a movie that doesn’t exist yet”. A truly noble lineage.
“Operation Mockingbird. CIA controls all aspects of MSM, and the popular narratives on “social media”. Welcome to fascism.”
*sees every Trump speech, the alt-right, and Charlottesville* True fascism is people having different opinions than me about Star Wars.
r/conspiracy could discuss many things. But oddly, this community of paranoid young men with a oppression complex who hate women, minorities and Jews somehow overlooks everything Trump does. Who could possibly know why? But by God, they’ll fight against anyone who vaguely criticize Star Wars, or praise the Star Wars movies they don’t like, or hold an opinion they disagree with even slightly, with all the fierceness anonymous internet commenters can muster.
This is my first post of the year, and naturally, I spent it on some weird, petty Reddit thing. But The Space Lizard Report will return more regularly – as soon as I can install a global conspiracy to make people like the prequels.
[cw: rape and misogyny]
r/incels was toxic and misogynistic by Reddit standards, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more terrifying sentence. It was a place for people to congregate to yell about how much they hate women, and then wonder why women won’t sleep with them. It was every nasty, sexist tendency of toxic masculinity-fueled, entitled young men shoved – or, you may say, quarantined – into one hellish place.
Reddit banned r/incels, acting swiftly to stem the tide of such terrible behavior by waiting nearly two years to do literally anything. But let’s not be churlish: Reddit actually Did A Good for once, and we should applaud them, and also ask them to maybe be a bit faster next time.
And on a personal note, I also applaud…myself! Because even though I heard about how awful r/incels was, I never once looked at it. For once in my life, my drive to find something terrible & gaze deeply into it from afar, like a pig wallowing in mud, was defeated by my mind’s self-preservation instincts. Go me! But now I must pick over the fragments of r/incels’ fetid corpse.
Incels, short for “involuntary celibates”, are some of the worst people on the planet – again, they stood out as terrible on Reddit, a kind of zoo for disgusting male subcultures. At their best they appear to have spent time raging against literal strangers maybe having sex, asking profound questions like “why do women like men who are nice and considerate, and don’t spend all their time insulting women on the internet?”. Truly the mystery of our time. Earnest displays of joy and happiness were anathema to them, triggering bizarre and terrifying displays of revulsion.
At their worst, incels are genuinely criminal, often condoning rape – even outright discussing how to get away with it. r/Incels was a vile echo chamber where misogynistic ideas were reinforced and deepened by an insular community. Angry, entitled misogynist dudes still have places to congregate – for example, Reddit – but they have one less place that’s for them – and that’s why we should celebrate its ban.
And to incels themselves: to misquote The Social Network, let it be known that women don’t hate you because you’re a nerd. They hate you because you’re an asshole.
A thread about Lindsey Lohan’s reaction to Harvey Weinstein produces this utter gem:
The joy of this is how it doesn’t really evolve, but just jumps right in. Seeing someone going in a mundane-bullshit brainwashing direction, one man stood up and said, “nope, she is a clone, and guess what! So is Eminem!” No one even mentioned Eminem!
It seems the denizens of r/conspiracy despise Eminem for his recent anti-Trump rap – and some believe he didn’t even rap it at all, and that much like Steve Guttenberg, a vast conspiracy has replaced Eminem with…a clone. Because cloning works very rapidly, and would replicate non-genetic factors like someone’s performance style and ability. This Redditor’s knowledge of cloning would make a Raëlian look good.
And how does he know Eminem was replaced by a clone?
*chef fingers* Marrrrrrrvelous.
A semi-serious resurgence of flat eartherism is going on all around us, a veritable golden age of theories debunked in the Bronze Age. And it’s now spread to Reddit.
One user, whose submissions are otherwise full of r/conspiracy’s typical anti-Semitism and Pizzagate ravings, also spreads the Flat Earth Gospel to a mostly hostile audience.
The Earth somehow looks different in different photos taken across a period of forty years. This is of course a sign of a conspiracy, since camera technology’s famously hasn’t changed since 1975. The only other explanation is that these photos represent a wide array of photos, taken by different cameras, with different weather on earth, at different angles and distances, and with some being acknowledged composite images, but who would believe that?
His big sticking point seems to be the size of North America: his perpetual refrain in response to criticism is that “US too big!!!”. After all, sizes are absolutely constant from all angles and distances.
They also link to a website about the “NASA Occult conspiracy”:
Unfortunately, I won’t be able to read this site, on account of now being blind because my god that color scheme
The user’s other posts have delightful titles like “NASA gets pwned from a camera bought at Walmart with video showing FAKE PLANETS and fake stars”, “If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line then WHY is there NO FLIGHTS over South Atlantic Ocean?” (with every comment pointing out many, many non-stop flights from South Africa to Brazil or Australia), and “The “Northern Lights” are proof we live under a dome/firmament”.
Could I actually try to debunk these theories? Yes. Should I? Fuck no. Life’s too short to spend time arguing with people who sincerely believe the Earth is flat, and for once the denizens of r/conspiracy agree.
Here’s a dispatch from r/The_Donald, a subreddit perhaps better known under its alternative name, “literal Hell”. A Redditor who loves Donald Trump is a potent combination of douchebaggery, and yet to form a proper Asshole Vortex you need something more potent yet.
Ah, there we go!
Martin Shkreli, most universally hated man in America, a smug little Rumpelstilskin-esque goblin whose sins include jacking up the price of medication by thousands and disrespecting the Wu-Tang Clan, has secrets. Secrets about Hillary Clinton, who he tweeted about. Of course, he tweeted that he’d pay $5,000 for a lock of her hair because who even knows. Who even fucking knows, Jesus Christ. Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ, everything. God damn. Fucking shit. Jesus Christ. What the fuck. God FUCKING damn everythinANYWAY back to discussing r/The_Donald, a subreddit devoted to the President, Donald TruJESUS CHRIST, GODFUCKINGARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Would be top kek if his over zealous jailing triggered 10k hill emails to drop
I think the theory here goes that Shkreli is hiding Hillary’s secrets, and if anything happened to him (like going to jail for his many and varied crimes), he’d release them. Which really raises the question: why do these people care about Hillary anymore? The candidate they supported won. He’s been President for almost a full year JESUS FUCKING CHRIST and they’re expecting…what, exactly? Proof Hillary tried to rig the election she lost? Secrets she’s hiding about the person she didn’t beat? What’s end game here for Trump supporters?
I think if everyone began trying to get all the crooked politicians DNA themselves or at least trollin the fuckers with it, the smokescreen will do crazy shit.
they would be freaked to lose a hair. fuckin top kek.
that would scare the shit outta tons of crooks. but normies dgaf. nice.
What does that mean. What does that even mean oh god I’m having a stroke goodbye friends