Reddit

May the real Eminem clone please stand up?

A thread about Lindsey Lohan’s reaction to Harvey Weinstein produces this utter gem:

…right then!

The joy of this is how it doesn’t really evolve, but just jumps right in. Seeing someone going in a mundane-bullshit brainwashing direction, one man stood up and said, “nope, she is a clone, and guess what! So is Eminem!” No one even mentioned Eminem!

It seems the denizens of r/conspiracy despise Eminem for his recent anti-Trump rap – and some believe he didn’t even rap it at all, and that much like Steve Guttenberg, a vast conspiracy has replaced Eminem with…a clone. Because cloning works very rapidly, and would replicate non-genetic factors like someone’s performance style and ability. This Redditor’s knowledge of cloning would make a Raëlian look good.

And how does he know Eminem was replaced by a clone?

*chef fingers* Marrrrrrrvelous.

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In Which Flat Earthers Prove Too Stupid For Even Reddit

A semi-serious resurgence of flat eartherism is going on all around us, a veritable golden age of theories debunked in the Bronze Age. And it’s now spread to Reddit.

One user, whose submissions are otherwise full of r/conspiracy’s typical anti-Semitism and Pizzagate ravings, also spreads the Flat Earth Gospel to a mostly hostile audience.

The Earth somehow looks different in different photos taken across a period of forty years. This is of course a sign of a conspiracy, since camera technology’s famously hasn’t changed since 1975. The only other explanation is that these photos represent a wide array of photos, taken by different cameras, with different weather on earth, at different angles and distances, and with some being acknowledged composite images, but who would believe that?

His big sticking point seems to be the size of North America: his perpetual refrain in response to criticism is that “US too big!!!”. After all, sizes are absolutely constant from all angles and distances.

They also link to a website about the “NASA Occult conspiracy”:

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to read this site, on account of now being blind because my god that color scheme

The user’s other posts have delightful titles like “NASA gets pwned from a camera bought at Walmart with video showing FAKE PLANETS and fake stars”, “If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line then WHY is there NO FLIGHTS over South Atlantic Ocean?” (with every comment pointing out many, many non-stop flights from South Africa to Brazil or Australia), and “The “Northern Lights” are proof we live under a dome/firmament”.

Could I actually try to debunk these theories? Yes. Should I? Fuck no. Life’s too short to spend time arguing with people who sincerely believe the Earth is flat, and for once the denizens of r/conspiracy agree.

Donald Trump-loving Redditor Places Their Faith in Martin Shkreli

Pictured: horror

Here’s a dispatch from r/The_Donald, a subreddit perhaps better known under its alternative name, “literal Hell”. A Redditor who loves Donald Trump is a potent combination of douchebaggery, and yet to form a proper Asshole Vortex you need something more potent yet.

Ah, there we go!

Martin Shkreli, most universally hated man in America, a smug little Rumpelstilskin-esque goblin whose sins include jacking up the price of medication by thousands and disrespecting the Wu-Tang Clan, has secrets. Secrets about Hillary Clinton, who he tweeted about. Of course, he tweeted that he’d pay $5,000 for a lock of her hair because who even knows. Who even fucking knows, Jesus Christ. Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ, everything. God damn. Fucking shit. Jesus Christ. What the fuck. God FUCKING damn everythinANYWAY back to discussing r/The_Donald, a subreddit devoted to the President, Donald TruJESUS CHRIST, GODFUCKINGARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

 

Would be top kek if his over zealous jailing triggered 10k hill emails to drop

I think the theory here goes that Shkreli is hiding Hillary’s secrets, and if anything happened to him (like going to jail for his many and varied crimes), he’d release them. Which really raises the question: why do these people care about Hillary anymore? The candidate they supported won. He’s been President for almost a full year JESUS FUCKING CHRIST and they’re expecting…what, exactly? Proof Hillary tried to rig the election she lost? Secrets she’s hiding about the person she didn’t beat? What’s end game here for Trump supporters?

I think if everyone began trying to get all the crooked politicians DNA themselves or at least trollin the fuckers with it, the smokescreen will do crazy shit.

they would be freaked to lose a hair. fuckin top kek.

that would scare the shit outta tons of crooks. but normies dgaf. nice.

What does that mean. What does that even mean oh god I’m having a stroke goodbye friends

The Space Lizard Report Hits the Big Time

In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.

As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.

cubs1

“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”

It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.

cubs3

You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.

Specifically, r/conspiracy.

Unironically.

I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.

rconspiracy

The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

…and…

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.

 

The Feminist Plot to Destroy Ghostbusters, The Biggest Film Trilogy of All Time

The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.

The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.

GhostPost1

And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.

GhostPost2They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!

ghostpost3Women are crassening up stand-up comedy by talking about – *whispers*- s-e-x! Oh my!

ghostpost4A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.

The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.

ghostpost5

This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:

Ghostbusters

It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!

And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:

ghostPost6Awful people who aren’t sure if Pokémon Go is a hit because it’s a plot by Them, or if it’s escapism from Them:

ghostpost7Elsewhere, they blame its high Rotten Tomatoes scores on the site being owned by NBCUniversal, a company that, notably, did not make the new Ghostbusters. Here we see a touch of self-awareness:

 

And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:

alienSo what did we learn today, children?

  1. Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.

Glad we could clear that up!

Top Minds: “No Major Sporting Event Has Been Attacked By Terrorists, Except All Those Ones That Were.”

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:

*SCREAMS FOREVER*

Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!

The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.

And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.

“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”

Except if you like the Raiders.

“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.

The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”

Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.

So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.

Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.

The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.

Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.

…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.

If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-

But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.

EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.

It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.

I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).

Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!

So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.

Reddit Goes Dark. Again.

Reddit is a techno-libertarian paradise, a lawless domain where you can find communities full of like-minded people, no matter what your interests are. Do you like paranoid fantasies and vaguely cloaked racism? r/conspiracy is for you! Are you a grown adult who enjoys harassing teenagers? Have fun on r/tumblrinaction! Do you hate women? r/theredpill, r/kotakuinaction…the options are limitless! Do you like cool pictures? Then you could go on the innocuous subreddits that make up the vast majority of the site. Huh, you always forget that part.

Reddit’s been consumed with strife lately. The site’s new CEO enforced a harassment policy (just like Hitler!) and banned several subreddits, including r/FatPeopleHate. Redditors howled in the face of such oppression, even if it’s a bit odd that these PC, liberal, SJW admins didn’t ban r/CoonTown, r/N******, or any number of explicit hate Subreddits on their anti-free speech crusade.

Now Reddit has gone dark. Many subreddits are currently private to protest the site’s admins. But not over this. Actually, they kinda have a point.

The protests were sparked by the sudden firing of one of the site’s most beloved staff members, the AMA coordinator, who organized celebrity question-and-answer sessions. And no one knows why she was fired. Rumors say that she declined to move to San Francisco, refused to make AMAs more commercial, or was let go after a disastrous AMA with Jesse Jackson. No one actually knows, and the firing is more the casus belli used to justify a larger campaign against the site’s lack of transparency and poor treatment of the site’s many volunteer moderators.

However, after everything that’s happened, people are going to leap to conclusions and think that Reddit’s whining about a racist hate sub being banned, because that’s just what you think when you hear “Reddit” now.

Sadly, r/conspiracy is not private. Let’s all encourage its mods to join the protest, then never tell them when it ends. They’ll feel like triumphant activists, fighting the good fight, on a long Bataan death march to social networking transparency, and we’ll never have to see them again. A victory for all involved!

Terrible People Recruit on Terrible Website

The Daily Stormer is a white supremacist news site. Recruiting new white supremacists in 2015 is thankfully difficult, so they have to look for new veins to tap.

“Although Reddit has a reputation for being a far-left SJW hugbox,”

[CITATION NEEDED]

“…certain areas of Reddit are much more open to our ideas than you might think.”

While the Stormfront crowd know about the traditional hatred subreddits, where people bond over “white rights” and literal Naziism, they’ve found some new, fertile grounds for spreading white supremacy. This new demographic they’re pursuing might surprise you, unless you’ve ever read this blog.

“First and foremost, the #1 place on Reddit to recruit people to our side is /r/conspiracy. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Why bother trying to enlighten a bunch of Alex Jones-reading kosher retards who think that the “Illuminati lizard people” run the world?”

No one in r/conspiracy thinks the Illuminati lizard people run the world! I wish they talked about reptilians. That’d be easier to mock, and not so INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING as their actual content. The top 100 posts all-time on r/conspiracy contain no references to reptilians, and one mocking reference to the Illuminati. What it does have is a lot of shit about false flags, allusions to 1984 by people who’ve never read it, quotes by noted political thinkers Banksy and Russell Brand, and antisemitism.

“Well, I’ll tell you why: conspiracy-minded people are the most open to considering the reality, which is that international Jewry, in fact, runs our societies. /r/conspiracy frequently hosts Jew-wise material and, at one point, they even held a Q&A session with Dennis Wise, the director of the excellent Jew-wise documentary Adolf Hitler: The Greatest Story Never Told.”

They featured that documentary. And a giant image of Hitler in the sidebar. During Rosh Hashana. Seriously.

“On any given day, you’ll find /r/conspiracy users posting about Jews, the Holohoax, Zionist control of the West, and more.”

Right now the front page of r/conspiracy contains a post about how the mods are ignoring a “massive Jew shill campaign” in r/worldnews, even. There’s a whole subreddit documenting r/conspiracy’s racism. This isn’t a shocking secret.

” /r/conspiracy is an excellent place to bring mainstream conspiracy-minded, Alex Jones-type people over to our side. All you have to do is post content exposing Jewry for exactly what it is. When you see articles about Jewish conspiracies – we post them here on the Daily Stormer quite frequently – just go on over to /r/conspiracy and post the articles there. “

I’m sure r/conspiracy will freak out over this outside party admitting to brigading r/conspiracy. It’s a literal conspiracy to infiltrate r/conspiracy to advance an agenda and…it sits right now at +36. Meanwhile, a post decrying a “massive Jew shill campaign in r/worldnews” is at +193.

“Other fertile grounds for recruitment on Reddit are the European-dominated subreddits – in particular, /r/worldnews, /r/worldpolitics, and /r/europe. Continental Europeans tend to be much more racist and anti-Jew than Americans are. There’s a reason why Jews are constantly complaining about “anti-Semitism in Europe,” but rarely about “anti-Semitism in America.”
Nationalism is currently surging all over Europe, with parties like Front National, Jobbik, and Golden Dawn leading the polls.”
The Greek elections were won by a leftist party, and Golden Dawn only holds 17 seats in Parliament out of 300, but never mind the facts!
“All Europeans hate gypsies, and most of them hate Moslems too.”

Twelve EU countries with significant Roma population have joined together to enhance the lives of Roma, a group of people they universally hate, obviously. Racism against Roma is certainly widespread and even a majority opinion in some countries, but “all Europeans”? No way.

“Go on European-dominated subreddits and drop subtle redpills.”

…are they trying to neg Europe into fucking them?

“Don’t use “gas the kikes, race war now”-type rhetoric, obviously. If you must, say “Zionists” rather than “Jews.””

As I’ve shown previously, TOP MINDS often swap out “Jew” for “Zionist” in titles when posting on r/conspiracy in order to disguise their Antisemitism (gee, I wonder if Antiochus88 – whose name might as well be “AntisemiteNaziHitler” – is a Stormfront user!). Glad to find out where it came from.

“Use their hatred of Israel and turn it into hatred of Jewry. Be subtle, be smart, and be persuasive.”

“Be smart”, says the white supremacist.

“We brought 4chan over to our side long ago.”

All legitimate social movements proudly trumpet their wide support on 4Chan.

“Now, we need to focus on redpilling Reddit – then, soon enough, every other major website.”

Yeah, about your grand scheme to introduce racism to the unspoiled liberal paradise of Reddit…

“Once we succeed at making our ideas mainstream on the Internet – thus winning over the hearts and minds of the youth – it’s game over for international Jewry.  In the future – when you are living in a Judenfrei world – you can tell your grandchildren how you fought the battle against Jewry on the Internet, waking people up to the Jewish parasite using only your fingertips and your endless amount of information.”

“Yes, children. I was there on that horrible battlefield, typing words. Oh, I received many downvotes that day, but I kept fighting. I kept fighting, kids, and when I looked back at all the racial slurs I threw at people who disagreed with me, I knew…I knew our sacrifices were worth the cost…”

Stormfront is invading Reddit, and…it’s really not going to make it any different at all.

r/Conspiracy Tries to Figure Out What Color That Blue and Gold Dress Is

Wait, no, they just think it’s a DISTRACTION. From…net neutrality?

Yes, r/conspiracy now thinks there’s a sinister secret buried in the 300 page documents on net neutrality. Because if only they were public, they’d totally read a 300 page long bill by a regulatory agency!

Bob. Bob. Relax a little, Bob. Enjoy life. Go to see a movie sometime, without debating if MK Ultra brainwashed the stars. Bob, ya gotta take it easy sometime and stop seeing sinister plots in everything. Go to the beach, Bob.  Go on a nice vacation. Have some fun with an internet joke and let the paranoia slide for a night. Listen to the new Taylor Swift – yeah, I know, Bob, but she’s reinvented herself, she’s – no, Bob, it wasn’t a government plot to – Bob!