Slate’s Ruth Graham revisting the fad for books about trips to Heaven, how one tore a family apart & destroyed the entire, once-inescapable genre. Wither Colton Burpo?
Nibiru, the secretive Planet X speculated to exist by some people who are not astronomers, will not pass through our solar system and destroy the Earth this Saturday, goddamnit.
David Meade, an author who boldly describes himself as a “Christian numerologist” despite that not now, or ever having been a job, predicts the world’s end in a potent mix of Bible-code-eschatology and New Age Planet X fears. And he issues his prophecy via the means best accepted by the people: incredibly stupid Youtube videos.
A woman will descend from heaven, looking like something out of a Pure Moods ad.
“…but because she saw The Shape of Water, she’ll kinda be into it.”
A great red dragon will appear, looking like a Langolier rendered on a Nintendo 64.
Snatched up by God in a way akin to the magical books in Myst, yet somehow with more antiquated graphics.
Ah yes, what more Judeo-Christian symbols are there than Astraea, Hermes, Ares and Aphrodite? We later learn that her child is Jupiter – that classic figure of Christianity, Zeus, God of Thunder.
What follows is an apocalypse depicted with all the verisimilitude of a basic cable drama starring a lesser Skarsgard.
My god, look at the sky…it’s a blurry aurora, at this time of year, localized entirely in your shitty Youtube video!
People disappear worldwide from stock footage of major cities, carried away in epilepsy-inducing balls of light. On this random street, hazy filters distract us from how few people are actually there as cars crash and helicopters fall in some hollow The Leftovers-ripoff. I guess the message is less “be Christian and stuff” and more “NEXT TIME YOU INVITE FINAL PAM TO BARBECUE”.
Pants fall from the sky and we close with a final warning:
…says the man literally making an overwrought Youtube video saying the exact day and hour he thinks the world will end. What a world, what a world. Continue reading
Over on Youtube, I maintain a playlist of bizarre videos. There’s nearly 100 on there now, with videos ranging from Freddy Freaker to the Judderman. I’ve arranged it into sections, because that is exactly the dorky thing I’d do, so watch it sometime.
One of the videos I’ve had up there for a while is a Chicago-area PSA from the late 80’s. In it, an unnamed preacher rails against Halloween:
There’s so much amazing here. Samhain, which is actually pronounced Sah-win, isn’t just an alternate name for Halloween. And I refuse to believe that this guy hates Halloween. He’s just so into his character. He looks like he loves Halloween, as he plays a scenery-chewing Devil trying to “take Chicago back”. It’s incredible.
Happy Halloween, everyone! Make sure to stay safe when trick-or-treating on 1666 Dark Shadow Lane!
Tonight, the Cubs take on the Pirates in the National League’s wild card game. The Cubs are, of course, the Illuminati’s favorite squadron. And hockey season begins, to the delight of many Canadians and seven Americans. And probably some things that aren’t sports are happening tonight. But more importantly, it’s THE END OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD. Again!
The last time the world ended, it was April. Through long summer days, as we listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989, an anonymous prophet not only gave us a specific day (April 30th), but named a time (11/10 Central) for the end of the world. Now, it’s a cold fall night, and as we listen to Ryan Adams’ 1989 we face a much vaguer tribulation, an apocalypse we just can’t shake off so easily.
The eBible Fellowship claimed that the world would end in May 2011. But whoops, math is hard, it’s clearly going to end in October 2015. Those simple math errors! The world will be annihilated sometime tonight, according to the fellowship. What time? Who knows. At least that anonymous Reddit prophet specified a time zone. Does the apocalypse hit Australia first? How would we even know the difference? Is that why Australia is such a blasted deathscape of monstrous creatures – because every apocalypse hits them early, and leaves traces behind? Does Australia act as the world’s bulwark against its end? The questions are as plentiful as they are pointless!
My bet on when the world will end still remains on the “death via sun expansion, billions of years from now” option. We won’t be in any danger when it happens, though, because humanity will have evolved into either pure energy or some form of gigantic newt by that time, and the Earth will be naught but a museum for our great-great-great-great-(thirty hours later)-great-great-grandchildren and their superintelligent newt families, who will marvel at how, 7.5 billion years from now, the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.
There’s a 99.9% chance the world won’t end tonight, and the .1% chance involves some implausiable yet thrilling Tom Clancyian intrigue in an exotic foreign locale. So don’t worry. The world will be here tomorrow.
Time Cube, one of the great weird websites, one of the great oddities of the early-00s, a beloved icon until it turned randomly racist, is no more. The URL has expired. And I remember it here:
And then I commemorate a early-00’s icon in the only fitting way – with some “My Immortal”:
Dr. James David Manning runs Harlem’s Atlah Worldwide Church. He’s also very concerned about Barack Obama sending African-Americans back to Africa in this bizarrely hilarious video from 2012.
Why? He doesn’t really say. Perhaps to solve America’s economic problems, and crime problems, and industrial problems, as this pastor – who is, I must point out, is black – believes. But he does reveal that Obama is working with Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, George Soros* and Bill Clinton to send all black people to Haiti or western Africa. And that Obama is the son of Satan.
“When we go back to Africa, Al Sharpton will be the President. TD Jakes will be your President.”
You’d think the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the countries of West Africa might object, but I’m sure Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is fine with it.
And holy shit, is it intense. “PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. MAYBE WE CAN STAY IN AMERICA. MAYBEEEEEEEEE!”
But the really hilarious part is the sudden change of tone about five minutes and thirty seconds in. He leaps from fire-and-brimstone preacher to morning show meteorologist in seconds. It’s almost like it was an act or something!
*I’m amazed that, after all this time running this blog, I haven’t run into any George Soros conspiracy theories until now. He’s also into FEMA conspiracies and is a birther.
An opinion piece from “Humans Are Free”, whose other stories include “Billionaires and Mega-Banks are Buying Up the World’s Water”, “This Year’s Bilderberg Meeting Will Probably Discuss The Global Awakening” and “Santa Barbara Drive By Mass Shooting Hoax Exposed”. Clearly a Pulitzer-worthy news source.
I love the “They” always cited by conspiracy theorists. Who is They? They is They. The site also runs the story “Maybe ‘They’ Are Not Human?” Perhaps the world is ruled by a secret cabal of Otherkin.
From birth, virtually all of us have been brainwashed through various outlets that encourage materialism, ego, subservience, control and conformity…
And as always this random blog purports to know how you’ve been brainwashed and why, as it’s always random bloggers who unravel THEIR plans.
This is just a typical article along these lines for a while, but it will later spiral out in magical new directions. Continue reading