Nibiru, the secretive Planet X speculated to exist by some people who are not astronomers, will not pass through our solar system and destroy the Earth this Saturday, goddamnit.
David Meade, an author who boldly describes himself as a “Christian numerologist” despite that not now, or ever having been a job, predicts the world’s end in a potent mix of Bible-code-eschatology and New Age Planet X fears. And he issues his prophecy via the means best accepted by the people: incredibly stupid Youtube videos.
A woman will descend from heaven, looking like something out of a Pure Moods ad.
“…but because she saw The Shape of Water, she’ll kinda be into it.”
A great red dragon will appear, looking like a Langolier rendered on a Nintendo 64.
Snatched up by God in a way akin to the magical books in Myst, yet somehow with more antiquated graphics.
Ah yes, what more Judeo-Christian symbols are there than Astraea, Hermes, Ares and Aphrodite? We later learn that her child is Jupiter – that classic figure of Christianity, Zeus, God of Thunder.
What follows is an apocalypse depicted with all the verisimilitude of a basic cable drama starring a lesser Skarsgard.
My god, look at the sky…it’s a blurry aurora, at this time of year, localized entirely in your shitty Youtube video!
People disappear worldwide from stock footage of major cities, carried away in epilepsy-inducing balls of light. On this random street, hazy filters distract us from how few people are actually there as cars crash and helicopters fall in some hollow The Leftovers-ripoff. I guess the message is less “be Christian and stuff” and more “NEXT TIME YOU INVITE FINAL PAM TO BARBECUE”.
Pants fall from the sky and we close with a final warning:
…says the man literally making an overwrought Youtube video saying the exact day and hour he thinks the world will end. What a world, what a world. Continue reading