The Assassination of Coherence By The Weirdo David J

Youtube conspiracy theorists are truly wonderful. Their videos where they point at blurry photographs and ramble incoherently for forty minutes are the apex of the deranged conspiracy theorist form. I’ve seen people who believe that planes aren’t real, and that poorly lit bald men were reptilian aliens, but maybe my favorite is a man who believed World War II was a hoax.

The video’s a masterpiece of the form and I’m…happy? To say that its creator is back and he’s delving into current events.

After shootings, the Alex Jones demographics love to yell about how it’s a false flag. They ask us to consider a dark truth: that nothing bad happens. And in return the world asks them to consider fucking themselves.

Dave J’s motto is “no one died and no one got hurt”. He fervently believes that no one’s ever killed; all shootings, all bombings, all wars are fake. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually, but Dave J wants to expose this terrible secret for the world to see.

Note: I don’t know if Dave J is real or not. If he’s a troll, he’s persistent. But he certainly has fans who believe this shit, if you read the comments (don’t read the comments!)

Dave J opens his video by promising two – no, three ways to prove a story’s a hoax. Any story.

1. That you click on it.

You know a story is a hoax if you click on it. So newspapers or TV networks aren’t hoaxes, but all websites are.

Clicking on a news story proves that you didn’t listen to Dave J and want to be lied to. Shame on you!

Wait…I clicked on this video. Is it a hoax?????

2.The gunman who opened fire (??????????????)

The gunman opened fire on Friday. Fry-day. FIRE.

The article says he shot five people, and himself, but another article says six people were shot. Hmm…mystery…

Six into five, that’s your eleven. Just because you’re holding a ball, and looking at the front, doesn’t mean the back…andddddd you lost me.

“Does existence revolve around you? Are you God? No, no, in fact you aren’t. So maybe, stop dabbling in these dark arts…”

Normally I can figure out some point, no matter how weird someone is, but I’m at a loss here. What the hell? It’s a bizarre self-absorbed rant mixed with some nonsensical numerology.

3. “That this fat-faced demon opened his mouth”

A cop talks.

And then it ends, leaving me even more confused than before.

Seriously, that’s it. That’s where Dave J cuts us off, right when things are getting good. Is he a literal demon? Are fat demons worse somehow? How dare you leave us hanging, Dave J! The public demands answers! It’s Lost all over again!

Dave J’s other videos include:

  • “Richard Dreyfuss was James VI is Edward VI is Lady Jane is Mary 1 and Scots”, “Lockland Murdock” is “Jimmy fallon”
  • “LIVE” Stop watching TV. Now Please Period”
  • “”dana carvey” demon same as “George Custer” (lil’big horn fame) one. Bound and tied”,
  • “How i trim Bud (cannabis indica), (miss)nice guy Example. 7(mind) into 8(trim) Trimsformation”
  • “Kate MiddleTONman is a Man Update”
  • “Hitler was a Women, and 1936 Olympics were a Hoax, (Eye)Ein-stein”

Dave J’s most popular videos are about how THE MOON IS A HOLOGRAM. Dave J does not believe in the Moon, World War II, celebrities not secretly being someone else or the Marysville shooting. But he does believe in marijuana and transphobia, so…there’s…that?

Does Dave J believe any of this? Dave J, the only source in the world for reliable news on the Moon’s existence and who is or isn’t a woman, won’t say, and so the secrets of the universe remain secrets.

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Has the Secret Service been infiltrated by shapeshifting alien Voldemorts?

Reptilians are maybe the best conspiracy theory there is. Sounding like something conceived of during a stoned marathon of V, and created by a soccer commentator who now gives six-hour long speeches to packed houses in Wembley (…Arena), it claims that the course of the world is decided by evil reptilian aliens posing as influential people. So it’s sad to see this delightfully absurd idea fade away in a time where conspiracy theorists mostly just deny things.

But a Youtuber named Reptilian Resistance has discovered a shocking secret in a video of “Barrick” Obama, and it’s perfect, just perfect.

“The cameras spotted a very odd individual who may be with the US Secret Service or Israel’s…and could be strong evidence of a shapeshifter alien humanoid working for the Powers that Be, caught in a high definition video during an event of the Zionist cabal.”

See, a poorly lit bald man is seen in the crowd. So he must be a reptilian! Who’s shapeshifting in front of a crowd of thousands, on live television! Those sneaky reptilians. And he doesn’t have a nose! Why, he looks a lot like Voldemort. Good thing Joe Biden’s here to put on his robe and wizard hat and defeat this dastardly dark wizard – what, you didn’t know that Joe Biden’s a wizard? Well, can you prove he isn’t?

Awesomely, the video zooms in extremely close on the anonymous bald guy; the video’s computer voiced maker apologizes for the distortion, but thinks their case remains clear.

“Did his shapeshifting device fail during Obama’s speech? …Is he an actual reptilian humanoid, is he one of the Annunaki? Is he a tall grey bio-android, or what?”

I mean, let’s keep our options open here. You don’t want to rush to conclusions when you’re saying

The Anunnaki are Mesopotamian deities and the technical term for reptilians. Because of course ancient aliens would work their way into here somehow.

“Is that video evidence that the Illuminati elite is in bed with at least one ancient extraterrestrial race, hidden in plain sight and pulling the strings of mankind?”

Saying that you’re “just asking questions” is a neat way to say the most batshit things and still seem reasonable. CNN anchors who think the missing airplanes might’ve flown into a black hole are just asking questions. Every special about ancient aliens on the History Channel ends by saying they’re just asking questions. “Just asking questions” turns you from a raving lunatic to a ill-informed but curious person.

This tactic does not work here.

This is an older video and, hilariously, the White House was asked to comment on this video alleging that they have reptilian Secret Service agents. Please go read the answer they gave.

“Al Roker Mind Control Trance “Live” Trigger Word = Holy Ghost?”

Just another day on the Today Show. Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie are discussing personal space. Then she says that it’s like in Catholic school: you have to leave room for the Holy Ghost.

But wait. Look at Al Roker. Why is he staring at us? Why? Please stop Al, you’re scaring the children. Al why. AL.

Some might write it off. Maybe it was a wry “haha, look at these clowns” glare gone terribly awry. Maybe someone was telling him what to say next. Maybe he had nothing to do and was just staring at the camera for…some…reason?

But the conspiracy theorist who uploaded this video knows better. He knows that Al Roker is under mind control and the “Holy Ghost” is his trigger word. Which must make church difficult. “In the name of the Father, the Son and…someone wake up Al again! Oh god stop staring at me, no wait…”

The recommended videos at the end are a door down the rabbit hole into the world of MK Ultra. See, some people believe that all celebrities are brainwashed by…someone. THEM, presumably. And every time a celebrity has a breakdown, it isn’t mental illness. No, it’s just their brainwashing breaking down!

As always, this theory tries to write off any bad things ever happening. Non-famous people may have mental problems, but when a star goes off the rails they’re just heroically fighting off the mind control they’ve suffered through since childhood.

And no, Al Roker never explained what happened here. But I can say that he probably wasn’t brainwashed by the government into…being a weatherman, until someone mentions a key figure in the country’s dominant religion, in which case he’ll publicly break down? What?

The Depths of Youtube: Planes Are A Demonic Plot!

The “person pointing at random parts of a blurry screenshot” genre gains a new addition with SKY GOAT DEMON EXPOSED. Planes? No, no. They’re just shapeshifting demons.

demonHe’s not alone in his beliefs, which leads me to think it’s real: it could be a hoax, but this person’s uploaded dozens of similar videos on the subject. Hoaxers are rarely that persistent.

Their other videos include:

…and nearly 200 others.

You know those bizarre deep sea creatures scientists find all the time in the deepest parts of the ocean? Ones who evolved without exposure to light, depending on a thermal vent-based ecosystem? The depths of Youtube also turn up similarly bizarre finds. Such as someone who doesn’t believe in planes, who thinks they’re demons, whose every video consists of them pointing to blurry shit on their computer screen, who somehow isn’t alone in their beliefs and has ardent supporters. Youtube sure is a magical place sometimes.

Previous findings from the depths of Youtube: World War II was a hoax; Vladimir Putin’s keeping dinosaurs from you.

Alex Jones went to the DMV, and What Happened Next Won’t Surprise You At All

A Clinton-era relic, In which Alex Jones thinks taking a fingerprint for identification is literally an attempt to steal people’s identities; screams at DMV employees about having to take the “mark”; compares thumb scans to rape; and confuses not having a driver’s license with being denied the right to travel.

Reminds me of the 80s anxiety over how grocery store scanners would steal your soul: