In the immortal words of Jerry O’Connell, imagine if you could travel to parallel worlds. The same year, the same Earth, but everything else is different. Imagine a world where the Soviets rule America, or where ketchup is purple and the Beatles still exist.
It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:
Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!
The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.
And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.
“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”
Except if you like the Raiders.
“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.
The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”
Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.
So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.
Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.
The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.
Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.
…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.
If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-
But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.
EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.
It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.
I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).
Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!
So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.
In honor of MLB’s opening day, let’s review baseball’s finest Illuminati conspiracy.
Yesterday the Milwaukee Brewers played the Chicago Cubs and lost, blowing their long-held lead in their division in the last stretch because of course they did.
But a Godlike Productions poster is here to remind us that one year ago, something altogether more sinister happened in Milwaukee.
On June 26, 2013, the Chicago Cubs vs Milwaukee Brewers game was on live on Chicago’s WGN network.
The guy in this YT video below was the first to catch the moment thru his DVR.
The date was a significant one: it was the 194th birthday of Abner Doubleday, the proclaimed Father of Baseball who invented the game. What was really interesting too was the location: the Miller Park Stadium in Milwaukee is right off Interstate 94 or I-94 (194)…!
During a baseball game, a page of symbols appeared. Satanic symbols like pentagrams, all-seeing eyes…plus the Hammer & Sickle and fleur-de-lis.
View original post 1,293 more words
Over on Youtube, I maintain a playlist of bizarre videos. There’s nearly 100 on there now, with videos ranging from Freddy Freaker to the Judderman. I’ve arranged it into sections, because that is exactly the dorky thing I’d do, so watch it sometime.
One of the videos I’ve had up there for a while is a Chicago-area PSA from the late 80’s. In it, an unnamed preacher rails against Halloween:
There’s so much amazing here. Samhain, which is actually pronounced Sah-win, isn’t just an alternate name for Halloween. And I refuse to believe that this guy hates Halloween. He’s just so into his character. He looks like he loves Halloween, as he plays a scenery-chewing Devil trying to “take Chicago back”. It’s incredible.
Happy Halloween, everyone! Make sure to stay safe when trick-or-treating on 1666 Dark Shadow Lane!
After many years of hoaxes, it’s finally October 21st, 2015 – the day Marty McFly went to in Back to the Future 2. Alas, Robert Zemeckis’ vision of a world of hoverboards and the Chicago Cubs knowing success was undone by aerodynamics and the New York Mets.
On this occasion, let’s remember another time traveler, who predicted nothing correctly and vanished, as is the norm with time travelers.
Others have done a good job of recounting who John Titor was. From 2000 to 2001, a man calling himself John Titor posted on time travel- and Art Bell-related message boards claiming to be a traveler from the year 2036, a soldier sent back in time to recover a certain computer in 1975. He stopped in 2000 to visit family and retrieve pictures lost in a second American civil war…and answer questions on a message board, apparently.
Though it’d be tempting to write off Titor as a mere hoaxer, he did have some level of technical knowledge. His mission was trying to avert UNIX’s Year 2038 problem, which is a genuine issue in computer science. This may explain why some were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though I’ve heard most people were skeptical from the start.
John Titor told us about life in his time and accordingly left many predictions about the future. Let’s take a look at some of them (drawn mainly from http://www.johntitor.com/):
A world war in 2015 killed nearly three billion people.
Hopefully not true, but there are a few more months left for World War III to break out.
No, the ice caps are not melting any faster than they are now.
False. The ice caps are melting faster than ever.
There is a civil war in the United States that starts in 2005. That conflict flares up and down for 10 years. In 2015, Russia launches a nuclear strike against the major cities in the United States (which is the “other side” of the civil war from my perspective), China and Europe. The United States counter attacks. The US cities are destroyed along with the AFE (American Federal Empire)…thus we (in the country) won. The European Union and China were also destroyed. Russia is now our largest trading partner and the Capitol of the US was moved to Omaha Nebraska.
Hats are more common in the future and flashy colors are less common. Dress is much more functional and we “dress up” whenever we get a chance.
Everyone in the future wears hats. Fedoras make a comeback! But I can’t tell you anymore or I’d risk a paradox, m’spacetimecontinuum.
Perhaps I should let you all in on a little secret. No one likes you in the future. This time period is looked at as being full of lazy, self-centered, civically ignorant sheep. Perhaps you should be less concerned about me and more concerned about that.
The future: full of Redditors!
…Entertainment is less centralized. There are “movies” and “TV” but everything is distributed over the net and more people produce their own “shows”.
Not inaccurate, but even in the 90s people could see the internet effecting entertainment in this way.
Wavering western support for Israel is what gives Israel’s neighbors the confidence to attack.
Incorrect! Western support of Israel, or at least American support of Israel, is still high, and it remains undestroyed.
As a result of the many conflicts, no, there were no official Olympics after 2004. However, it appears they may be revived in 2040.
Wrong! Further Olympics have occurred every two years, and hosts are sorted through the next decade. Not even mounting expenses and hosting the Winter Olympics in Beijing can kill it off.
The year 2008 was a general date by which time everyone will realize the world they thought they were living in was over.
Going off their e-mail forwards and Facebook posts, our racist uncles sure thought the world ended in 2008. But this is so vague you can’t possibly judge it false or true.
I would describe it as having a Waco type event every month that steadily gets worse.
I don’t remember a massive siege, or terrorist attack, or weird cult suicide happening every month in 2008. Just your run-of-the-mill mass shootings.
The conflict will consume everyone in the US by 2012 and end in 2015 with a very short WWIII.
Again, no civil war started in 2005, and though WWIII technically could start this year it wouldn’t spring from some divided America’s strife with Russia or China.
John Titor is remembered fondly as one of the web’s strangest mysteries. At least that’s how most people remember him. That’s how I remember him. What I didn’t know until today was that the mystery had been solved long ago – and the truth was disappointing.
Allegedly, a lawyer named Lawrence Haber and his brother were behind the whole thing; that explains Titor’s knowledge of obscure computer problems. As Keith Veronese notes in their io9 article, there’s a chance that someone else was behind the first messages (a series of faxes to Art Bell in 1999). However, much like beloved Russian internet horse horse_ebooks, the basis for John Titor was apparently commercial – in 2003, the John Titor foundation was registered, and they quietly released a book based on the story that year. With the book long-since out-of-print, John Titor has survived as a bizarre internet legend, the tale of a time traveler who stopped by some message boards to do an AMA, one of many strange stories from the wild late-90s/early 00s internet, up there with eBay’s haunted painting and Time Cube.
Other Memetic Time Travelers Who Aren’t Real
Rudolph Fentz, the 19th-century man struck by a car in 1950s New York City, is from a Jack Finney story, which became a real urban legend for some reason; the man from Taured, who vanished from a Tokyo airport, is also from a story, though from a more obscure source than the Fentz tale. That hipster at the bridge opening was wearing an era-appropriate Montreal Maroons sweater, and that woman walking by the premiere of The Circus was just using a hearing aid. And I’m pretty sure the former drummer of Iron Butterfly wasn’t about to crack the code of time travel, either.
Ah, New Jersey. That place next to New York. A state where you can’t pump your own gas, but where you could spend a death-defying day of family fun at Action Park. The great state of New Jersey is very weird. There’s even a magazine about how weird it is. And its most enduring legend is that of the Jersey Devil.
According to one popular origin story, the Jersey Devil was the thirteenth child of Mother Leeds. Leeds declared that her child would be the Devil, for…some reason. The newborn Leeds child grew hooves, bat wings and other devilish accouterments. And, much like a Russian gangster, the now-transformed devil-baby fled into the Pine Barrens, never to be seen again.
An anonymous New Jerseyan, hailing from Galloway, claims to have seen the Jersey Devil. And they managed to snap a picture before it disappeared:
This incontrovertible photographic evidence proves the existence of New Jersey’s most famous flying goat demon monster. And elsewhere we find convincing video evidence.
As anyone with even the slightest knowledge about flying goats can tell you, they keep their bodies absolutely still while they fly. Some say this video looks “obviously fake”, and “cheaper than a Tom Baker-era Doctor Who monster”. These people are ignorant clods who wouldn’t know a Jersey Devil from a Connecticut Goatman. You are all disgraces to the rigorous and not at all credulous-bullshit-filled field of cryptozoology.
Cryptozoology tells us the truth we’ve long suspected, but have always been too afraid to say: Hell is real, and it’s in New Jersey.
Tonight, the Cubs take on the Pirates in the National League’s wild card game. The Cubs are, of course, the Illuminati’s favorite squadron. And hockey season begins, to the delight of many Canadians and seven Americans. And probably some things that aren’t sports are happening tonight. But more importantly, it’s THE END OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD. Again!
The last time the world ended, it was April. Through long summer days, as we listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989, an anonymous prophet not only gave us a specific day (April 30th), but named a time (11/10 Central) for the end of the world. Now, it’s a cold fall night, and as we listen to Ryan Adams’ 1989 we face a much vaguer tribulation, an apocalypse we just can’t shake off so easily.
The eBible Fellowship claimed that the world would end in May 2011. But whoops, math is hard, it’s clearly going to end in October 2015. Those simple math errors! The world will be annihilated sometime tonight, according to the fellowship. What time? Who knows. At least that anonymous Reddit prophet specified a time zone. Does the apocalypse hit Australia first? How would we even know the difference? Is that why Australia is such a blasted deathscape of monstrous creatures – because every apocalypse hits them early, and leaves traces behind? Does Australia act as the world’s bulwark against its end? The questions are as plentiful as they are pointless!
My bet on when the world will end still remains on the “death via sun expansion, billions of years from now” option. We won’t be in any danger when it happens, though, because humanity will have evolved into either pure energy or some form of gigantic newt by that time, and the Earth will be naught but a museum for our great-great-great-great-(thirty hours later)-great-great-grandchildren and their superintelligent newt families, who will marvel at how, 7.5 billion years from now, the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.
There’s a 99.9% chance the world won’t end tonight, and the .1% chance involves some implausiable yet thrilling Tom Clancyian intrigue in an exotic foreign locale. So don’t worry. The world will be here tomorrow.
“Wisconsin has the highest proportion of eccentric environments in the USA, more than 10% of the total.” – Jan Friedman
Since the demise of Time Cube, I’ve become nostalgic for the early, more personal days of the internet. Before social media was around, before content was shuffled towards a few overarching services. Things that are now Twitter feeds and Tumblr blogs would once be a gigantic number of individual, single-topic websites and forums, an array of personal homepages and strange blogs stretching off into eternity. You might stumble across a weird Subreddit now, but at least it’s cloaked in the familiarity of a larger site. Finding one of the web’s oddities once meant entering into an alternate world, created to mirror the author’s mind.
I once enjoyed browsing these websites. I heard about them on the old Snopes message boards, or places like Crank.net and the Museum of Hoaxes, or through long lists of links on places such as the Insolitology or even the Sci-Fi Channel.
I don’t know where I found today’s website. It’s one of several sites describing the many oddities of Wisconsin. I’ll detail the others in future Flashback Fridays; bizarrely, while today’s site is defunct, the other sites that are still up look way more outdated.
What do you think of when you think of Wisconsin? Cheese? Beer? Serial killers? The Fonz? How about the Beast of Bray Road, the werewolf that calls Elkhorn home? Or the Hodag, a reptilian beast made up in a failed attempt to make Rhinelander interesting? Those are just the obvious legends about the state. Today’s site looks at the deep cuts.
The now-defunct Weird Wisconsin last updated in 2004; it vanished some time in 2006. Presumably inspired by Weird New Jersey, it’s home to many accounts of Wisconsin’s paranormal phenomenon, and wonderful images like this:
As we remember those lost on 9/11, let’s remember that the 9/11 truther movement is dead.
Speaking of Loose Change:
Loose Change peaked in 2007; the September spikes are even smaller. Thanks, Popular Mechanics!
A 2014 poll on conspiracy theories found that 57% of those responding believe that 9/11 was not a conspiracy; 24% believe the government knew about it in advance and didn’t stop it. Polls asking if the government was behind 9/11 give clearer results: a 2006 Scripps Howard poll discovered that 77% of people believe the Twin Towers were not brought down by explosives, and just 6% said it was “very likely”.
Despite this, Truther sites claim that a majority of people doubt the “official story”. This is because of a poll sponsored by…9/11 truthers. A 2006 poll is seized on as proof that 84% of people believe in a conspiracy, but the (rather confusing) question just asked you if you felt George W Bush was lying or hiding something. Thinking that George W Bush was lying about something does not a Truther make.
Some of the top links on r/911truth are years old, and they come from a small number of posters. When a guy shows up to a Bernie Sanders speech holding this:
Now everyone calls him out as the asshole he is. Once upon a time 9/11 truthers would demand the “truth” from politicians, or rush onto podiums to ask for an “investigation”. Now, 9/11 truth as a movement is largely dead. Thankfully.
Time Cube, one of the great weird websites, one of the great oddities of the early-00s, a beloved icon until it turned randomly racist, is no more. The URL has expired. And I remember it here:
And then I commemorate a early-00’s icon in the only fitting way – with some “My Immortal”: