Tonight, the Cubs take on the Pirates in the National League’s wild card game. The Cubs are, of course, the Illuminati’s favorite squadron. And hockey season begins, to the delight of many Canadians and seven Americans. And probably some things that aren’t sports are happening tonight. But more importantly, it’s THE END OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLD. Again!
The last time the world ended, it was April. Through long summer days, as we listened to Taylor Swift’s 1989, an anonymous prophet not only gave us a specific day (April 30th), but named a time (11/10 Central) for the end of the world. Now, it’s a cold fall night, and as we listen to Ryan Adams’ 1989 we face a much vaguer tribulation, an apocalypse we just can’t shake off so easily.
The eBible Fellowship claimed that the world would end in May 2011. But whoops, math is hard, it’s clearly going to end in October 2015. Those simple math errors! The world will be annihilated sometime tonight, according to the fellowship. What time? Who knows. At least that anonymous Reddit prophet specified a time zone. Does the apocalypse hit Australia first? How would we even know the difference? Is that why Australia is such a blasted deathscape of monstrous creatures – because every apocalypse hits them early, and leaves traces behind? Does Australia act as the world’s bulwark against its end? The questions are as plentiful as they are pointless!
My bet on when the world will end still remains on the “death via sun expansion, billions of years from now” option. We won’t be in any danger when it happens, though, because humanity will have evolved into either pure energy or some form of gigantic newt by that time, and the Earth will be naught but a museum for our great-great-great-great-(thirty hours later)-great-great-grandchildren and their superintelligent newt families, who will marvel at how, 7.5 billion years from now, the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.
There’s a 99.9% chance the world won’t end tonight, and the .1% chance involves some implausiable yet thrilling Tom Clancyian intrigue in an exotic foreign locale. So don’t worry. The world will be here tomorrow.