[CW: pedophilia/child abuse, rape mention]
Judge: Plaintiff may approach the bench.
Cernovich: Thank you, your honor. I may be a simple GamerGate Lawyer, but today I seek to prove two things. One, that several celebrities are secret pedophiles based off of old tweets, and two, that a man doing it for one’s self drains them of their natural vigor, their life force, their-
Judge: …could you please explain to the court what you’re talking about?
Cernovich: Mastubation, your honor.
Judge: Did you just say…mastubation?
Cernovich: I said what I mean, your honor.
Judge: Alright. Just…stick to your case and not to the…
Judge: That. You may proceed.
Cernovich: Your honor, the director James Gunn made several problematic jokes before he found fame with Guardians of the Galaxy. These tweets proving his involvement in a secret ring of pedophiles were discovered by me-
Defense: Objection, your honor. These tweets were widely discussed at the time, and our client has apologized and moved on.
Cernovich: Impossible. If personal growth and change was possible, why don’t I know about it?
Judge: Objection sustained. Gamergate lawyer Mike Cernovich, you did not discover the tweets in question. They were widely discussed by people with an actual stake in them years ago. Move on.
Cernovich: Very well. Now, most men don’t know how their super serum is diluted by jerking it-
Judge: The court commands the plaintiff to never use the phrase ‘jerking it’ again. Please, your next target. I mean the next defendant.
Cernovich: Ah, this is a truly terrible case. Dan Harmon made a video parodying Dexter in 2009.
Cernovich: He publicly released it, and then deleted it when he had second thoughts. But I don’t what that phrase means, so let’s say I discovered this.
Judge: A parody of Dexter proves he’s part of a pedophile ring.
Cernovich: Isn’t it stupid of this wide-reaching, powerful conspiracy to place all their evidence in joke tweets and videos a simple Gamergate lawyer can find years later? But I’ve caught ’em.
Judge: Do you have any proof beyond this Dexter parody?
Cernovich: No. But does it matter? I took an anti-Roman Polanski joke from Sam Seder and used it to smear him as a rapist. MSNBC crumbled and fired him without a second thought. He came back, but the alt-right’s gamed outrage so successfully they can get anyone fired in the space of day. Everyone folds so quickly, not knowing the difference between good-faith outrage and cynical campaigns against political rivals like our’s. That’s why James Gunn is fired for jokes he apologized for, but people will keep throwing money at a man who led a hate campaign, invented a conspiracy theory, and is even an admitted rapist. You know, like Mike Cerno-uh….
Judge: Finish the sentence.
Cernovich: Who best to defend John Connor from a Terminator than a Terminator? It’s like that – who best to catch a sex criminal than a sex criminal? Established part of legal practice.
Judge: No, it’s not! Where did you get your law degree? Gamergate University?
Cernovich: I, uh…I…I would like to reassure the jury that I will never jerk off.
Judge: Please remove the plantiff from the court.
Cernovich: I will never jerk off! I will never jerk off! I will never-