THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT IS THIS SPINDLY ASS, HEADLESS JUNJI ITO LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER? IS IT FROM A MOVIE? TELL ME IT IS. THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS. IS IT A RUNNING NAKED PERSON AND A FUCKED PHOTO, WELL NO WAY OF THAT, BECAUSE EVEN THE PROSPECT OF A PHOTO FUCKING UP THIS MUCH IS TERRIFYING.
I hear this is the Jersey Devil but I’ve SEEN the Jersey Devil and he’s nice! He’s a goat! A flying goat whom you can pet!!
Look at this FRIENDLY GOAT, on his way HOME to talk with his LOVELY HUSBAND, and tell me he’s the same as the BODY HORROR above.
THIS is the Jersey Devil. He has ATTITUDE and he fights PUMPKINS and he can’t MOVE PROPERLY IN THREE DIMENSIONS. He doesn’t look like the smoking worm guys from Men in Black on METH!
Look at that SMILING, SMILING FACE. Sure, he’ll make it illegal to pump your own gas, but he won’t MINDFUCK your PERCEPTION OF SPACE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? IS IT WHAT REMAINS OF CHRIS CHRISTIE’S SOUL? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Cryptozoologists! Please explain!!! What is it, and in this one case I’ll accept “ALIENS” as an answer.
Ah, New Jersey. That place next to New York. A state where you can’t pump your own gas, but where you could spend a death-defying day of family fun at Action Park. The great state of New Jersey is very weird. There’s even a magazine about how weird it is. And its most enduring legend is that of the Jersey Devil.
According to one popular origin story, the Jersey Devil was the thirteenth child of Mother Leeds. Leeds declared that her child would be the Devil, for…some reason. The newborn Leeds child grew hooves, bat wings and other devilish accouterments. And, much like a Russian gangster, the now-transformed devil-baby fled into the Pine Barrens, never to be seen again.
An anonymous New Jerseyan, hailing from Galloway, claims to have seen the Jersey Devil. And they managed to snap a picture before it disappeared:
This incontrovertible photographic evidence proves the existence of New Jersey’s most famous flying goat demon monster. And elsewhere we find convincing video evidence.
As anyone with even the slightest knowledge about flying goats can tell you, they keep their bodies absolutely still while they fly. Some say this video looks “obviously fake”, and “cheaper than a Tom Baker-era Doctor Who monster”. These people are ignorant clods who wouldn’t know a Jersey Devil from a Connecticut Goatman. You are all disgraces to the rigorous and not at all credulous-bullshit-filled field of cryptozoology.
Cryptozoology tells us the truth we’ve long suspected, but have always been too afraid to say: Hell is real, and it’s in New Jersey.