Plain Summaries of What Conspiracy Theorists Actually F**king Believe

Flat Earthers: The world is flat, and some unknown organization is faking space photographs, flights and cruises to prevent anyone from going to the ice wall that they think exists because they misread a map. By means unknown, this organization somehow profits from inexplicably spending millions, maybe billions annually to make people think the Earth’s flat…for…some…reason? Despite their vast resources & nefarious nature, this organization can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

GamerGate: A game developer used corrupt means to make someone who didn’t ever review their game give a positive review that doesn’t exist to a game that was free. You know, for the sales. After reading some articles that suggested maybe gamers weren’t all nerdy young white straight men anymore as meaning that gamers were literally dead, the geniuses of GamerGate pretended a movement whose origins occurred in public was actually about how gaming journalism wasn’t as ethical as it was in the days of Nintendo Power. Despite this, the conspiracy of corrupt game critics could of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

Also, everyone who believed this is a Nazi now.

PizzaGate: Campaign staffers ate pizza at a popular pizza joint in DC. Somehow this means there’s a secret child abuse cult based in the basement, despite the restaurant not having a basement, and also every part of that sentence being deranged horseshit. I don’t even know here. Despite the cult’s resources, this grand Satanic conspiracy can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

Also, everyone who believed this is a Nazi now.

Medicine denialists: Pharmaceutical companies spend hundreds of millions of dollars on cures for diseases, only to throw them in the trash, for some reason, I guess? Also, the cure for your toxic toxins in your body are [insert whatever scam you’re pitching here]. Despite the pharmaceutical industry’s shadowy nature & vast resources, this conspiracy of greed can of course be outsmarted by some Youtubers.

White genocide: People who aren’t white exist, have kids. Literally. That’s it.

Also, everyone who believes this was already a Nazi.

QAnon: A rando on 4Chan knows secret blah blah I can’t do this anymore. What the fuck. How was that a thing.

Also, Nazis, all of them, etc.

Advertisements

Odds and Ends: Authenticated by Verrit Edition!

MEDIA FOR THE UH, WHO, EXACTLY?

Peter Daou, formerly of the Clinton campaign – and currently living through the 2016 election in a strange, ceaseless fugue – has founded a new media site for “the 65.8 million”. Called Verrit, it’s one of the more confounding political sites online, less a fact checking site than a fact site – a never-ending wall of contextless facts and quotes, each slapped with an authentication number.

Verrit’s existence is less interesting than the bizarre assumptions behind its existence. Verrit exists so that those poor souls still living out the 2016 election can win internet debates; because all you need to win a debate is to show someone a quote as succinct as it is utterly meaningless. Need proof? Why, plug in the authentication number to see that it’s right there on Verrit. Verrit comes from a vein of politics that prizes facts above all, that thinks solid facts are all a person needs to be swayed over to your side, just like on The West Wing. You may know this school of politics from it losing horrifically in the face of fact-free, emotional populism last election. Oh well, at least we can always blame the Russians instead of facing our problems.

LOUISE MENSCH NEWS

Louise Mensch, the British politician turned conspiracy monger and failed media mogul, fired her own lawyer via Tweet for having the audacity to suggest the United States may interfere in democracies abroad occasionally, at some point in its history.

IAN MILES CHEONG WATCH

Noted ant enthusiast Ian Miles Cheong, the saddest boy, is angry. Why is he angry? Because a gender non-conforming kid exists and it’s stopping us from going to space, like we promised in 1977. Like all Americans, I’ll always fondly remember Jimmy Carter’s inspiring promise to “one day, perhaps in 2017, send an American to space for the first ever time, just like in the new motion picture Stars War”. That there are people in space right now, as we speak, must elude Ian Miles Cheong, who’s busy fretting about society’s decline whilst yelling incoherently at literal children.

And if you’re a fan of childish screeching, Ian Miles Cheong has also spent the last several days tweeting angrily about how he didn’t like how a gaming journalist played a video game but fuck me if I’m ever gonna dive into Gamergate again.

ENTER THE NOTCH ZONE

Minecraft designer Notch blinks unsteadily as the California sun creeps through his mansion’s shuttered, dusty blinds. Getting to his feet, he stumbles, falling to the floor, the heavy thud echoing through the desolate halls, heard by no one. Taking one step after another, trepedatiously he walks through cavernous halls to his one source of joy: his candy room. Reaching out with his gnarled, dirt-caked hand, he unwraps a moldy Tootsie roll, struggling, tearing the paper and dropping the glorious nugget to the floor. He picks it up and eats it anyway.

Taking his phone out, he types out a few words of wisdom:

And returns to his solitary kingdom, his empire of dust and candy, content in the knowledge that he really triggered the Sajews with that one.

BIZARRE CONSPIRACY IMAGE OF THE DAY