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The Space Lizard Report Hits the Big Time

In September 2014, I posted about a theory that a Cubs-Brewers game revealed the secret Illuminati messages in baseball. A few days ago, as you may have heard from literally everywhere, the Chicago Cubs, a rich baseball team with a high payroll in the nation’s third largest market, finally shook their underdog persona and broke their curse, winning the World Series. And as you’d guess, traffic went up, because apparently when a team wins a sports championship a certain percentage of weirdos run to Google to see if they’re part of the Illuminati. And so a blog post full of now-outdated jokes about the Cubs’ futility is now my most popular.

As a Brewers fan, I’m incapable of experiencing joy whilst sober. But if I could, I would be gleeful about today’s blog traffic.

cubs1

“That’s quite a spike in your blog’s normally pathetic traffic,” you might be thinking, “but why boast about what are, again, pretty underwhelming numbers, and a dreadful views-per-visitor?”

It’s not the numbers that excite me. It’s the source.

cubs3

You may note that my blog post was shared on Reddit.

Specifically, r/conspiracy.

Unironically.

I rushed to r/conspiracy, excited to see how they took my work. Alas, the post was downvoted to Hell. But that’s still good for over 100 views, and being unpopular in r/conspiracy carries a certain appeal in and of itself.

rconspiracy

The comments are strangely reasonable, especially in their hatred of the St Louis Cardinals. My post, which says…

The Masons and the Illuminati have a dastardly plan and they chose to reveal it…via the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers? What’s next, a message from the reptilians at a Jaguars-Titans game? Is this the Illuminati equivalent of dumping news you want buried on a Friday afternoon?

…and…

And the devastation of the world shall, as always, fool everyone except for some random person on the internet who believes they’re a genius and the only one to figure everything out.

…has now been cited as potential evidence of the Cubs’ Illuminati ties. I’m only sad by the post’s stunning lack of virality. May I one day be the subject of vast and terrible rage-comments, or get a hoax massively upvoted. One can always dream. What a world, what a world.

 

The Feminist Plot to Destroy Ghostbusters, The Biggest Film Trilogy of All Time

The most fascinating aspect of the hostile reaction to the idea of an all-female Ghostbusters remake is how it revealed what was, apparently, a gigantic Ghostbusters fandom. People crawled out of the darkest depths of Reddit to claim that Ghostbusters was their childhood, and that they remained devoted fans to a pair of comedy-horror movies from the 80s, one of which was great and one of which was a lesser retread with some good moments. When you look at major fandoms, you picture Star Trek conventions full of people in homemade Starfleet uniforms, and comic book fans clad as their favorite superheroes, and Tumblr discourse about Steven Universe and The 100. But until the Ghostbusters remake, you saw little evidence of the large, slumbering fandom that surely exists and didn’t just spring up when MRAs and alt-righters needed an excuse to attack the movie that sounded slightly less awful than “BUT IT HAS WOMEN IN IT”.

The TOP MINDS of r/conspiracy have figured out the truth – that no one saw the Ghostbusters remake. The number of Kate McKinnon avatars I’ve seen on Twitter imply some audience for the film, but no – some of the over 3,000 theaters it opened in were empty, so no one saw it at all.

GhostPost1

And yet Sony claimed a gross of 45 million dollars on opening day! How could that be, when two dozen people on Twitter paid to see it in empty theaters? You’ve lost Malaysia AND Middletown, Delaware! Twitter said so, so it must have made ZERO DOLLARS.

GhostPost2They ignored the huge, totally-real Ghostbusters fandom, and attacked men by casting women in a film. It’s detrimental to men. I’m not sure which men, given that the original Ghostbusters cameo in the new film and so aren’t exactly losing any work here. But women already have equality, except when it comes to pay, rights or representation in media and politics and also every other aspect of society, so what do they want? Superiority. First they’ll steal our 80s comedy remakes. Then they’ll take over stand-up comedy. And then…THE WORLD!

ghostpost3Women are crassening up stand-up comedy by talking about – *whispers*- s-e-x! Oh my!

ghostpost4A movie that treats men stereotypically and pushes all male characters to the side? GOSH, THAT MUST BE SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. Men now will have to settle for “most of the movies” this year, instead of “all of the movies”. So hard.

The refrain about how male characters are made to look like idiots on TV is a common one. Indeed, many shows feature dumb husbands and smart wives. Except…these shows are all written by men. Often the men playing the dumb husbands, if it’s based on their stand-up comedy. And in every one of these shows, we’re supposed to like the antics of the husband and look upon the wife as, at best, an unfunny moral center and at worst a controlling shrew. They’re a peculiar example of misandry in the media – though all of them are, because misandry don’t real.

ghostpost5

This incomprehensible rant, which conflates Pokémon Go with the Turkish coup, and that inexplicably calls the Nice attack the “twisted metal 3 murders”, leads to the best part of the entire thread – when people tear this guy fucking apart for saying Ghostbusters, “Jedis” and “Vulcans” are the top three franchises in entertainment history:

Ghostbusters

It’s truly inspiring to see people united by someone being wrong on the internet. If only they could all become pedantic nerds!

And for one beautiful moment, they stop being awful people and just start being awful people with very strong opinions on Ghostbusters 2:

ghostPost6Awful people who aren’t sure if Pokémon Go is a hit because it’s a plot by Them, or if it’s escapism from Them:

ghostpost7Elsewhere, they blame its high Rotten Tomatoes scores on the site being owned by NBCUniversal, a company that, notably, did not make the new Ghostbusters. Here we see a touch of self-awareness:

 

And, of course, they blame it all on aliens:

alienSo what did we learn today, children?

  1. Aliens made the new Ghostbusters so that they could take away Ghostbusting jobs from hardworking men and feed on our fear.

Glad we could clear that up!

Top Minds: “No Major Sporting Event Has Been Attacked By Terrorists, Except All Those Ones That Were.”

It’s been a long time, friends. I haven’t made a new post on this blog since last Halloween. Truth be told, while I’ve occasionally dipped into the well of inane conspiracy theories, I’ve been too busy. But I know I missed a lot. So here’s a quick summary of my views regarding the events that have gone on in the world since last October:

*SCREAMS FOREVER*

Now that that’s done with, onto a little post I found while browsing r/conspiracy. For those unfamiliar with r/conspiracy, picture a flaming dumpster. Now, throw it into another flaming dumpster. And then throw that dumpster into a larger flaming dumpster covered with antisemitic graffiti. Congrats, you’ve just lived the r/conspiracy experience!

The top post all-time on r/conspiracy is a story about the police shooting a user’s dog by mistake. Tragic to be sure, but a bit hard to mesh with the fact that r/conspiracy does not care one bit about black people shot by police. r/conspiracy has displayed an amazing propensity for looking at major events that fit their world view perfectly and ignoring them completely to rave about false flag nonsense, racism or just plain bullshit.

And today’s bullshit deals with sports. Conspiracy theorists hate sports. Sports are a secular religion, an obsessive distraction that prevents people from noticing anything going in the world, even during the offseason or when they’re not watching their team’s two-to-three hour-long games, apparently. And sports’ utility as a distraction for the Sheeple is why, according to one Redditor, no major sporting event has ever been attacked by terrorists. Ever.

“People are more psycho about their favorite sports teams than even religion imo. And there is no stigma attached to fanatical sports allegiance. It’s totally accepted.”

Except if you like the Raiders.

“The Elite aka Illuminati, etc. don’t target major sporting events for attacks because they don’t want to disrupt this wonderful population control tool.

The world could be going to shit, but if you can still go batshit crazy over your team’s homerun or goal or touchdown, you’ll still be ok with your shitty life and massive injustices worldwide.”

Indeed, when the Packers score a touchdown, my reaction is always “man, good thing Aaron Rodgers scored that touchdown, now I can forget racism exists forever”. People enjoying themselves and celebrating something for a few hours? Clearly the most devious Illuminati plot of them all.

So you might be thinking, wait, attacks have occurred against major sporting events. The attacks at the Munich and Atlanta Olympics, the Boston marathon bombing, the Paris attack that happened just last year. Well, in a backtrack of epic proportions, our intrepid Redditor explains why none of those events count.

Edit: sorry the Boston marathon, centennial olympics aren’t major sporting events. MLB NBA NFL NHL, and i guess rugby, soccer, and cricket are major sports.

The Olympics, a month-long event featuring thousands of athletes from every country in the world competing in nearly thirty sports, is not a major sporting event. The Boston marathon, one of the world’s most prominent marathons, isn’t either. Only team sports count as major sporting events, and he guesses soccer, the most popular sport worldwide, a sport with high-profile leagues in a dozen countries, in addition to champion’s league and national team play, might count as a “major sport”.

Edit2: The bombing outside the soccer game in Paris only killed one person. One. And it was outside. And they finished playing the game. Hardly a major attack. What happened in the rest of Paris combined was obviously a major attack and a tragedy, but no major sports attacks.

…because a security guard stopped them. It only killed one person because a security guard stopped them from entering. They finished playing the game because they didn’t want to let thousands of spectators out into a ongoing terrorist attack.

If there’s a guy outside stabbing everyone who walks out the door, and you tell people to stay inside so they don’t get stabbed, but one guy goes out and gets stabbed, that doesn’t mean you weren’t under attack by a bizarrely single-minded and persistent knife-wielding criminal just because not enough people got stabbed. And why wouldn’t the police stop a guy who was just standing by a door with a knife? I’m SO ANGRY at the plot holes in my own metaphor, grrrr-

But somehow, that wasn’t an attack on a major sporting event. Because it wasn’t an attack, unlike the Olympics bombings, which weren’t at major sporting events.

EDIT 3: Of course all attacks are evil and horrible tragedies. And I am certainly not calling for any future attacks to occur. I would be devasted just as I’m devasted after any attack, Major or Minor.

It could be a Boy Scout Soap Box Derby with one broken bone and I’d still cry.

I was simply sharing my theory about why a major attack (like, over 20 ppl killed) hasnt happened inside a major sport (MLB, Nfl, nhl, nba, rugby soccer cricket).

Because apparently, 20 people killed is a “major attack”. 19 people, that’s nothing. Sad, but not a major attack. A mere bombing doesn’t count, and neither do over 100 people dying adjacent to sports. But one more person dies? That’s the new 9/11 right there. But only if it happens at certain sports, apparently. It’s almost like he’s defining things in such a way that they validate his own terrible theory!

So the Elite, or the Illuminati, keep us safe at MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA games, and even at those weird sports brown people like, because people watching sports for a few hours is somehow the ultimate distraction from the truth. Is entertainment a conspiracy? Is joy itself a tool the Man uses to keep you down? The “truth” may surprise you…with its breathtaking idiocy and incomprehensible, hole-filled nature.

Reddit Goes Dark. Again.

Reddit is a techno-libertarian paradise, a lawless domain where you can find communities full of like-minded people, no matter what your interests are. Do you like paranoid fantasies and vaguely cloaked racism? r/conspiracy is for you! Are you a grown adult who enjoys harassing teenagers? Have fun on r/tumblrinaction! Do you hate women? r/theredpill, r/kotakuinaction…the options are limitless! Do you like cool pictures? Then you could go on the innocuous subreddits that make up the vast majority of the site. Huh, you always forget that part.

Reddit’s been consumed with strife lately. The site’s new CEO enforced a harassment policy (just like Hitler!) and banned several subreddits, including r/FatPeopleHate. Redditors howled in the face of such oppression, even if it’s a bit odd that these PC, liberal, SJW admins didn’t ban r/CoonTown, r/N******, or any number of explicit hate Subreddits on their anti-free speech crusade.

Now Reddit has gone dark. Many subreddits are currently private to protest the site’s admins. But not over this. Actually, they kinda have a point.

The protests were sparked by the sudden firing of one of the site’s most beloved staff members, the AMA coordinator, who organized celebrity question-and-answer sessions. And no one knows why she was fired. Rumors say that she declined to move to San Francisco, refused to make AMAs more commercial, or was let go after a disastrous AMA with Jesse Jackson. No one actually knows, and the firing is more the casus belli used to justify a larger campaign against the site’s lack of transparency and poor treatment of the site’s many volunteer moderators.

However, after everything that’s happened, people are going to leap to conclusions and think that Reddit’s whining about a racist hate sub being banned, because that’s just what you think when you hear “Reddit” now.

Sadly, r/conspiracy is not private. Let’s all encourage its mods to join the protest, then never tell them when it ends. They’ll feel like triumphant activists, fighting the good fight, on a long Bataan death march to social networking transparency, and we’ll never have to see them again. A victory for all involved!

WHERE DO TOP MINDS GET THEIR NEWS?

Kay: We’re gonna check the hot sheets.

Jay: THESE are the hot sheets?

Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

newsCongratulations, r/WorldNews. You are IRRELEVANT for…citing news sources usually regarded as reliable!

So let’s see what journalistic sources r/conspiracy relies on for THE TRUTH.

The most cited news source in the week’s top 25 submissions (excluding text posts, which were all rants about r/WorldNews anyway) are:

IMGUR. Nine submissions, including:

  • Two Imgur albums of images where arrows are pointed at random things in images of the Boston bombing, somehow proving it’s a conspiracy. One of these albums is thirty-seven images long.
  • Uncited quotes from famous people.
  • Two images of the Gaza bombing that killed those four teenagers. You “won’t see this on MSM news”, the title promises. I first heard about this story when it was discussed on MSNBC IT WAS FIRST REPORTED BY NBC. Notably, there are many news stories on this event one could link to instead of contextless images – but citing real news wouldn’t help you PROVE that the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is keeping it all secret.
  • A uncited political cartoon
  • And the week’s top submission, a quote from Joe Rogan. The favorite of TOP MINDS everywhere!

REAL NEWS. Seven submissions, including:

  • A Chicago Sun-Times story about a poll.
  • A Rolling Stone article on price-fixing that opens by apologizing to conspiracy theorists
  • Business Insider
  • Two Huffington Post articles, including one quoting noted political expert Eddie Vedder.
  • Raw Story
  • Politico

ACTIVIST SITES. Two submissions from Avaaz.org and Storyofstuff.org.

TWO WEBSITES FOR VETERANS.

The lead image on one of those veteran's sites.

The lead image on one of those veteran’s sites.

AND THOSE RANDOM WEBSITES YOU SEE NOWHERE ELSE BUT R/CONSPIRACY

“Liberty Blitzkrieg”.

From Liberty Blitzkrieg.

From Liberty Blitzkrieg.

“Truth Code”.

Truth Code

Truth Code

“The Free Thought Project”.

GMO

“Police State USA” (which seems to report on police brutality, mainly)

cropped-PSUSA_Header

AND FINALLY, the latest Weird Al video.

What have we learned today?

The Guardian and BBC are unreliable, but you can always trust LIBERTY BLITZKREIG; screencap news stories you see to share on Imgur instead of linking, so that you can claim no one in the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is covering the story; even conspiracy theorists like Weird Al.