I have an announcement to make.

I have long chronicled the absurdities of the conspiracy theorist movement here on the Space Lizard Report. I’ve covered 9/11 truthers who think a viral ad is real, blurry bald people being mistaken for alien Voldemorts, and a very, very high Youtuber who believes every war is a hoax. I’ve looked at people who think feminism is a conspiracy and the delusional nerds of GamerGate, who see everything as feminist “censorship” of video games. How the Moon is a hologram. And also whatever the hell this is.

its-mediaYet last night I realized a terrible truth. Everything these people said was true. Only I realize the truth. For you see, I am the Son of the Godhead. And reptilians rule the world.

They’ve taken over all world leaders. The Queen of England. Barack Obama. Zlatan Ibrahimović. They control the media, but I’d like to reassure you that it’s not a racist thing. My followers may make it a racist thing, but to me it’s just reptilians. Horrible reptilians.

If you don’t believe me, then just witness my patented process to PROVE someone is a secret reptilian. Continue reading

Has the Secret Service been infiltrated by shapeshifting alien Voldemorts?

Reptilians are maybe the best conspiracy theory there is. Sounding like something conceived of during a stoned marathon of V, and created by a soccer commentator who now gives six-hour long speeches to packed houses in Wembley (…Arena), it claims that the course of the world is decided by evil reptilian aliens posing as influential people. So it’s sad to see this delightfully absurd idea fade away in a time where conspiracy theorists mostly just deny things.

But a Youtuber named Reptilian Resistance has discovered a shocking secret in a video of “Barrick” Obama, and it’s perfect, just perfect.

“The cameras spotted a very odd individual who may be with the US Secret Service or Israel’s…and could be strong evidence of a shapeshifter alien humanoid working for the Powers that Be, caught in a high definition video during an event of the Zionist cabal.”

See, a poorly lit bald man is seen in the crowd. So he must be a reptilian! Who’s shapeshifting in front of a crowd of thousands, on live television! Those sneaky reptilians. And he doesn’t have a nose! Why, he looks a lot like Voldemort. Good thing Joe Biden’s here to put on his robe and wizard hat and defeat this dastardly dark wizard – what, you didn’t know that Joe Biden’s a wizard? Well, can you prove he isn’t?

Awesomely, the video zooms in extremely close on the anonymous bald guy; the video’s computer voiced maker apologizes for the distortion, but thinks their case remains clear.

“Did his shapeshifting device fail during Obama’s speech? …Is he an actual reptilian humanoid, is he one of the Annunaki? Is he a tall grey bio-android, or what?”

I mean, let’s keep our options open here. You don’t want to rush to conclusions when you’re saying

The Anunnaki are Mesopotamian deities and the technical term for reptilians. Because of course ancient aliens would work their way into here somehow.

“Is that video evidence that the Illuminati elite is in bed with at least one ancient extraterrestrial race, hidden in plain sight and pulling the strings of mankind?”

Saying that you’re “just asking questions” is a neat way to say the most batshit things and still seem reasonable. CNN anchors who think the missing airplanes might’ve flown into a black hole are just asking questions. Every special about ancient aliens on the History Channel ends by saying they’re just asking questions. “Just asking questions” turns you from a raving lunatic to a ill-informed but curious person.

This tactic does not work here.

This is an older video and, hilariously, the White House was asked to comment on this video alleging that they have reptilian Secret Service agents. Please go read the answer they gave.